Surly secretaries, English lesson

JAKARTA (JP): English-speaking people say English is the universal language.

I don't know about that, but I know that in Indonesia, it's the only way to do business.

This is a story about what should be a simple procedure: making a phone call.

My job requires making many phone calls, including to so- called fairly important people (FIPs) I've never met. It doesn't sound like a difficult task; at least it didn't before I moved back to Indonesia. Now, my feelings about making these calls are about the same as having dental surgery.

Here's a typical ordeal, in Bahasa Indonesia.

Cheerful me speaking in my most polite Indonesian: "Hello, can I speak to Mr. So-and-so please?"

Surly Secretary: "Who's calling?"

Still cheerful me: "I'm So-and-so from such-and-such and I'd like to talk to Mr. So-and-so about this-and-that."

Surly Secretary, getting more surly: "Who are you?"

I repeat myself, not so cheerfully.

Miss Moody: "He's busy".

I stay calm. "When should I call him?"

Potential member of the Nazi S.S. "How should I know? Call back later."

At this point, I realize pleasantries are hopeful and whimper my thanks.

When I call back an hour later, congeniality still escapes Surly Secretary and her boss is still busy. I ask my questions again and she deadpans: "Just call back later."

So for the next three days I call back, by which time I've become familiar with the gamut of Miss Moody's surly retorts and start imagining her in situations involving sharp objects. But have I actually completed my mission? Well, as Surly Secretary said: "He's busy".

Now let's reimagine the scenario, this time in English.

I dial the number, and when the person on the other line answers, I say firmly: "My name is So-and-so and I'd like to speak to the President Director of this company RIGHT NOW."

A nervous "um, yes" and you're on the phone with the head honcho.

Such arrogance works every time. In Indonesia, if you want to get anywhere, speaking Indonesian, however politely, won't get you there. I've learned, the hard way, that an English (or American) accent is your ticket to cracking what could potentially resemble a kryptonite vault.

To many Indonesians, who cares that you're speaking in their native language (and yours). Who cares that you're supporting the government's campaigns of "Indonesianization". As the surly secretaries prove, if you don't speak English, you're Nobody.

And it's a sad state of affairs when the biggest English- speaking Nobody can get through to the Big Boss while a fairly important person continues to grovel hopelessly, in Indonesian of course. But that's developing Indonesia, fast becoming a nation of secretaries not surly only when talked to in a foreign language.

And it's not only surly secretaries who crumble at the sound of unfamiliar vocabulary. I've been in the city's finest hotels and restaurants, and I know that the finest service would require translation for some Indonesians. As a proudly brown-skinned Indonesian, I've received not-so-fine service in the past, unless I wear clothes costing as much as the waiters' annual wage.

But once I order in English, attitudes change -- theirs and mine. They flutter around suddenly haughty of me, whispering "Is she Singaporean? Japanese? Hawaiian?" What nationality they think I am is not the point; it's what they think I am not that matters.

And what does that say about Indonesia's identity? Why, after 50 years as a sovereign nation, do we still regard a foreign language as more compelling -- superior even -- than ours? Why does a command of English, which does not necessarily imply living overseas, command so much more respect? Were Dutch- speaking people fussed over on the same pedestal during our supposedly feudal years?

It's a blessing and blight perhaps, both for me and for Indonesia. I have spent most of my life overseas, and I am now trying to master the language I first learned. Yet all around me are students who want me to impart yet more English idioms. Now when I hear myself speak, I pick up affectations I didn't have in all my years abroad. I now speak Indonesian with a slight American accent; I wonder if I have learned that from trying to get the respect and attention of my peers here. After nearly two decades speaking English, I am now learning an English lesson I probably wouldn't have learned anywhere else; how to speak English for the sake of being perceived as different, separate and better.

-- Suwara Sari