Superior fare at Palm Beach Seafood Restaurant

I'm depressed. I have put on three kilos. For years, I have been able to ward off weight gain. But months of bacchanalian indulgences have finally taken their toll. If anybody is happy, it's my mother, but that doesn't count because if she had her way, I'd look like a cherub for the rest of my miserable life.

Well, not that it wouldn't help being a cherub. At least a cherub doesn't have to justify chubby cheeks and fat thighs.

Okay, at this point you're wondering: who's the culprit? The answer lies in a sinful night in Surabaya, where soul-searching metamorphosed into a seafood chow time of epic proportions.

I tried to delude myself that the setback would be incremental. Yet, spinning that particular yarn to myself is ultimately counterproductive. Not to mention off-putting, seeing how gross I looked the last time I came across a mirror. So, I resorted to a harsher form of self-reprimand: Epicurus, it's time to say goodbye to seafood. Forever.

But who says "forever" lasts? Or that duty comes second? "You have the right," insisted my partner, perhaps more in reference to his bulging love handles than to my future. What right, indeed? To say no to reviewing the new seafood place in Jakarta?

"I'll exercise, I swear." I told my equally depressed partner as we scanned the menu at the Palm Beach Seafood Restaurant, located on the first floor of Wisma 46 at BNI City, Central Jakarta. At least the atmosphere didn't bear any resemblance to the bustling seafood market that had been the Surabaya experience. It is unlike any other Chinese establishment -- no goldfish on canvas, red lanterns, calligraphy, fish tanks.

This is industrial hip, owing to its location in Celebrity Central, where only a few strides away on the ground floor, Jakarta's Beautiful People pour into Fashion Cafe and their monied fathers discuss business transactions over shark's fin and abalone at the Crystal Jade Palace.

The interior is streamlined, even by universal standards. The base colors are beige and taupe. Accent is of the pasted, muted kind.

Walls are painted in vermilion, lime green and pale blue, to resemble Mediterranean window shutters.

The space is a wide, monolithic L-shape, dominated by high glass window beams. Part of the ceiling slopes at a steep 60- degree angle offset by a profusion of halogen lights.

There are no paintings or ornaments. This sterile minimalism, combined with the distinctively Chinese scent of sesame oil and garlic, suggests that we'd come upon an errant UFO cult.

But the minimalism of the menu held an assurance that couldn't be found in the restaurant's other features. Crispy baby squids, Sotong Balls, Chilli Crabs, Kangkong Belachan all screamed one thing to me: balmy nights at the now-defunct Newton Circus, US$1.50 Sunday lunch at the canteen opposite my dormitory, the city of hawker centers.

I sat up right away. A few words with a waiter confirmed my growing suspicions. The restaurant is a branch of the famous Palm Beach Seafood Restaurant in Singapore's Kallang Stadium.

Gone were all reservations. I started barking orders, mentally calculating just when it would be feasible to return to this restaurant a.s.a.p.

Soon, I was chewing on my kangkong belachan, relishing the rich and spicy taste of ground chili combined with shrimp paste.

Next to attack were the crispy baby squids, a personal favorite not easily found these days. They were so crisp they tasted almost like crackers, and the sweet soy sauce coating was almost like caramel.

There was some minor argument regarding which crab dish to choose, but the formidability of the victorious dish spoke for itself.

At first, the Sri Lankan crab sounded appealing due to its sheer size, but the best way to appreciate its natural flavor is when it is fried with crushed black pepper.

As there was no way we could review a Singaporean Seafood restaurant without sampling its Chili Crabs, we settled for local crabs.

Contrary to the popular image, Chili Crabs are not so much hot as they are rich and flavorful. The sauce is made from a thick blend of tomato ketchup, chili, lots of eggs and crab roe, which was exactly what it looked like on our table that evening.

After 40 years of serving seafood, you'd think they should know what they're doing, right?

Partially, perhaps. The crab meat was sweet and succulent, and in no time we were sucking on claws like there was no tomorrow. But since the sauce was slightly undercooked, there was no need to order additional buns.

Perfection came in the form of the steamed grouper. The fish was fresh and almost as tender as the fish Soon Hock. Despite its simple preparation -- steamed with a light soy sauce, garnished with spring onions -- it is a refined epicurean accomplishment.

For lovers of Singapore-style fried rice, the fried rice with salted fish, warrants a second order.

Desserts don't extend beyond the standard offerings: variations on longans and litchis, fresh fruit platters, and so on. Maybe it's just as well, because no other dessert could round off our fabulous meal than a pure and pristine bowl of longans with tofu.

The best news yet? At Rp 95,000 for two (considering we had crabs and grouper), the price was very reasonable. After all, I could always compensate for the half a kilo weight gain with home-made steamed broccoli.

Nobody would accuse me of not trying, right?

-- Epicurus