Steal often and steal big: It pays

Steal often and steal big: It pays

Endy M Bayuni
Deputy editor
The Jakarta Post
Cambridge, Massachusetts

I overheard recently the following conversation at an adjacent
table in a Cambridge Starbucks cafe. I was minding my own
business, but could not help being attracted to what they were
saying. I was so thankful that it had not happened in my country:
It couldn't.

"What's the latest news from home? My Internet access has been
down this past week."

"Well, I hear stealing is OK now."

"What? Are you serious?"

"Well, yes. Stealing is condoned, certainly by the highest
court of the land."

"You mean, it's OK for anyone to steal?"

"Well, not just anyone. Some of us still have morals, you
know."

"Tell me more."

"Well. First you have to make yourself look respectable."

"How d'you do that?"

"Well, rather than steal, you embezzle. You take money from
the government or from the public."

"That's corruption, right? It's still stealing to me. How is
that more respectable?"

"Well, it's all relative you see. You look more respectable if
you do it in a sophisticated way. It's called white-collar
crime."

"You're talking race now. Stealing is stealing, whatever color
your collar is."

"Well, one is more respectable than the other, that's for
sure."

"So tell me. How do you go about it then? Not that I intend to
steal, you know."

"Well, what's the worst that can happen to you if you steal?"

"You tell me."

"Well, you get caught."

"And getting caught isn't bad?"

"Well, you give the money back."

"That's it? Just give the money back?"

"Well. That's all it takes."

"No prosecution?"

"Well, there will be. But the court tends to look upon you
favorably if you restore the money. After all, some religious
leaders will tell you that if God is all-forgiving, then we
should be, too. And those who steal deserve our forgiveness if he
restores the money."

"You mean all thieves, I mean all corruptors, get away with
stealing?"

"Well, not every one. That is the tricky part."

"I knew there was a catch somewhere. What do you have to do,
not that I intend to ..."

"Well, there are two conditions. The first is that if you're
going to steal, steal really big."

"Hmm. This is getting more interesting."

"Well, the court has punished people for small-time
corruption. If you steal your neighbor's chicken, you'll get
street justice. You'll be beaten black and blue, and they'll
probably even incinerate you."

"That sounds horrible for a country that boasts respect for
the rule of law."

"Well, you see. There are two kinds of law in the country. One
for ordinary thieves and another for privileged crooks."

"OK. Now you steal big, and you get caught, and you're
prosecuted. What happens next? And will you stop saying 'well' at
the start of every sentence!"

"Well, I'll try. You hire the most expensive lawyers in the
country to defend you in court ..."

"How can you afford that after giving back all the money you
stole?"

"Well, that's the second condition. You steal as frequently as
you can. You'd probably get caught once, but by then, you could
pay your way out."

"You still have to pay your way out? I thought you're already
paying enormous sums for your top-notch lawyers."

"Well, you pay off the judges, you give huge sums to charity,
and you might have to pay the religious leaders to be on your
side, at least to speak for you. You pay the lawyers to argue the
fine legal points."

"What about the bad publicity you're going to get from the
free media?"

"Well, you pay a bunch of reporters and their editors. Free
media also means that the media is free to take your money. They
will wage the propaganda war for you.

"Anything else I should know? Not that I intend to ... , you
know."

"Well, it helps if you hold a position of influence in
government, like the speaker of parliament or something."

"Now, that's hard isn't it? Not everyone can become the
speaker."

"Well, there is the general election coming up. That job,
along with those of other elected positions, will soon be up for
grabs."

"Well."

"Yes. Well indeed."

The writer is currently studying at Harvard University under
fellowships jointly provided by the Nieman Foundation, the Ford
Foundation and the Asia Foundation.