Stars tell of the ups and downs of single parenting

Stars tell of the ups and downs of single parenting

By Tuti Gintini

JAKARTA (JP): Pierre Gruno brings his own experience as a
father to his role as the head of a family on a popular
television serial.

The 47 year old married young at the age of 20 when he was at
the height of his career as a male model. He was the object of
desire of many and his marriage was shaky in the glamorous world
of fashion and celebrity.

After 11 years and two children, Anneke and Jeremy, Pierre and
his wife called it quits. He said the reason was he could not
bear his wife's jealousy.

He became the main parent to the children. Anneke, now 27, has
graduated from the law school, while Jeremy, 24, has almost
finished his economic studies.

Pierre shared his experiences in a discussion on single
parenting as a trend, held last week at Fashion Cafe, last week.
Also taking the stage to talk about her role as a single parent
was rock singer-actress Renny Djajusman.

Renny married at the age of 17 to director Putu Wijaya and she
had a child, Yuka Mandiri, now 18. They later divorced and each
remarried. From her second marriage Renny has a son named
Growong, now 13, but the union was brief.

Renny became the single parent to both children. She said
repeatedly during the show that she was not interested in
remarriage and was content to bring the children up on her own.

Of course, she may one day change her mind. Growong, who was
also at the show, is now in his adolescence and admitted to the
audience that sometimes he wished he had a father figure.

"I'm happy to be only with Mom, but I sometimes need a
father."

Renny said she was strict with her children and taught them
discipline because of her fears for their future, including that
they might become involved in drugs.

"Frankly speaking, I protect them to my utmost and I've
mentally prepared myself to be both a father and a mother to
them."

Yuka did not have any problems with Renny's method of child
rearing.

"I don't think Mom is authoritative. She's right to have
raised us strictly, because it is in our own best interests in
order for us to live properly."

Pierre prefers to take the role of father, friend and elder
brother to his two children. He acknowledged the divorce, which
occurred when the children were 11 and eight, was a tough time
for them to endure.

"I had a lot of heart-to-heart talks with them, so I knew
their desires and dreams."

He said he never found the right woman to become his wife and
their mother, which was the reason he raised them alone for 16
years.

"I always worry if a prospective mother is not suitable for
the family, I'm afraid the happy atmosphere will turn into hell,"
he said.

It was a fear shared by Renny Djajusman. She believed that
marriage was only beautiful at the start; she compared it to a
garment which was great when first worn, but gradually wore out.

She said her focus and energy in life were on her children.
"Their lives are more important than mine."

Pierre said there were positive and negative aspects to being
married or living without a spouse.

One is not tied down and free from nagging when alone, he
said. But he said being married was also agreeable because there
was someone to share one's feelings with, and the duties and
obligations of parenting were less complicated because they were
shared.

However, he acknowledged that he experienced problems in his
social life as a single man. If he went out with married male
friends, their wives would worry that Pierre would encourage them
to look for other women.

Pierre eventually decided he could only socialize with single
or divorced men. It led to its own set of problems -- and fanned
the rumor that Pierre, despite his masculine appearance, was gay.

"To me, the hardest gossip I experienced in life was the time
when I was labeled a fag," he said. "Now I feel most comfortable
just being who I am."

Pierre said divorce was repugnant to his children, but trying
to keep a fractured marriage together amid daily fights was even
worse for them. Renny said divorce was also the best solution
when there was no way out for warring parents.

She added that her biological needs were not a substantial
factor in thinking of remarriage. She said she flirted and had
sexual relationships, but she did not want to be tied down by a
marriage.

"But what can you do when it's done already? Well, son, your
mother will have to bear the sin," said Renny.

Pierre said he went to discotheques if he needed to have sex.
He said he found a woman who he liked but he added that sometimes
it was enough to go dancing or listen to music at pubs.

With his children grown up, Pierre is now also thinking about
getting married again. Anneke and Jeremy also are marriage-
minded, but Pierre plans to beat them to the altar next year.

"I tell them, be patient, let your father go first," he said.