Smacks may be necessary to educate children

By Tri Hafiningsih

Abuse or education? As the following interviews by The Jakarta Post reporter Tri Harfiningsih show, the line of distinction between the two is not always as easy to draw as it may seem. Yet, the question is worth pondering as Indonesia celebrates National Children's Day today.

JAKARTA (JP): Physical punishments may give your children a better understanding of what is good or bad, some parents say.

Some pinches and smacks are often necessary to emphasize the meaning of the word "no", especially for small children.

Tengku Malinda, a news-announcer at the TVRI state run television station and mother of two, says there are times she must lightly pinch her daughters' thighs when words no longer work.

Physical punishments, however, should be applied only in "emergency situations", said the 31-year-old mother of Sherrine, 10, and Shafti, 5, in an interview on Thursday.

When a child plays with an electric socket or climbs to a high window were her examples of when it is neccessary. At that very moment, when warnings are ignored and explanations are impossible, smacks sometimes work just fine.

"They don't know that it can harm them. It's better to make them afraid first," she said, adding that the child will understand the danger of playing with electricity or climbing too high as they grow older.

For older children, pinches may be eliminated as parents are able to explain the reasons they are not allowed to do certain things.

"Still, the traditional way works," Malinda said, laughing.

She emphasized that such punishments should not in anyway physically hurt a child. "It should be done without the mother losing control," she said, admitting it is often difficult to stay calm while facing the yells and wails of a "normally stubborn" child.

Discipline

Nanies, the mother of Nadia, 3, prefers light snaps on her daughter's palms or fingers as the last attempt to teach discipline.

"It shocks her a little bit without really hurting her physically," she said

She shares Malinda's opinion that physical punishments should be the last measure taken.

The graduate of the School of Psychology at the University of Indonesia, said that small children may not really understand words but they can "read" adults' reactions.

"I think Nadia understands she has done something wrong when I warn her by raising my voice, making it more firm and determined," said Nanies, who had to literally sit and "attend" the nursery class with her daughter during Nadia's first week of school. She has applied her disciplinary measures since little Nadia was one year old.

Another mother said that strict discipline, including physical punishment, does not always work wonders.

Isnaeni shared her experience of "one of those days" when her son Wawan, now 18, was in fifth grade.

"As usual, I grumbled at him whenever he forgot to tidy up his room, or when he threw his shoes and bag away after school, or piled up his dirty socks in the corner of his room. I snapped his ears whenever my nattering seemed to be 'gone with the wind' or if he acted as if I wasn't there," she said.

She said that the disciplinary measures had worked before, but realized something was wrong when Wawan started to do the opposite of what he was told. "He refused to have lunch with me but had his lunch when I had my afternoon nap. He just shrugged his shoulders whenever I asked why," Isnaeni said. This quiet protest went on for months.

For years she had applied her "standard" method of teaching discipline to Wawan and Tanti, 15. She used to wake the children up around five o'clock in the morning, so they could be ready for school before six o clock or the family swimming session early Sunday mornings. The children attended Catholic schools, well known for their strict discipline, where being late is almost a sin.

"I remember I had to carry the children from their beds to the dining room, make them sit on their chairs, then hold their heads up so they didn't fall back to sleep on their breakfast. Sometimes they cried a lot and I had to give them little smacks to calm them down," she said, adding that she, however, kissed the children goodbye and walked them to the front porch every school day.

The method seemed to work fine until Wawan reached his early teens. "Sometimes my son just avoided me the entire day," she said.

It took Isnaeni almost six months of regular visits to a psychologist to realize that Wawan was "tired" of her method of discipline.

"He finally admitted to me that he was practically sick of my morning complaints and snaps on the ear. He later teased me that he knew my morning grumbles almost by heart," she said. "The punishments didn't hurt him physically, but he said he was hurt inside. He thought I would complain about everything he did anyway."

Father's way

Tamin. a bajaj driver, claims that physical punishments can become a bad habit.

"Parents think that their children will not be obedient without spanking and smacking, while the children will understand something is wrong only when they get hard smacks," said the 49- year-old father of six grown-up children, and a grandfather of three year old Rini.

The elementary school drop-out said the hardest punishment he ever gave his children was making them go to school without pocket money.

"Once my son, Ahmad, refused to go to school. So I told him that he would end up like his father, a bajaj driver, or even worse. The advice really worked. He went back to school the next day," said the proud father of Suminarsih, 23, Sunarti, 20, Yusmiati, 19, Ahmad Suryadi, 17, Sugandi, 13, and Satya Suryati, 12.

Tamin's and his wife Saurah's three eldest girls are graduates of an economics high school and work as clerks. Ahmad is in his first year at a technical vocational school, Sugandi is in her first year of junior high, and Satya, the youngest, is in the sixth grade.

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