Sibling rivalries work both ways, depending how parents deal with it

Dear Dr. Donya,

Thank you for replying to my previous letter regarding my son's tantrums.

I do allow him to kiss his sister, although I get a little worried that he's a bit rough with her at times, like pulling her feet. I have to keep telling him over and over again to be gentle (I still don't think he realizes that he's much bigger and stronger than her) but a couple of weeks ago he had chicken pox, and I did try to maintain a distance between him and the baby, which he didn't take too kindly to. Unfortunately, because of his insistence upon being close to her, she also got chicken pox.

The tantrums usually occur after his afternoon nap and he does have a normal routine, but when he doesn't get his way or if I tell him he's not allowed to do something, then he will kick up a fuss. He's discovered the word "no" and frequently uses it when I give other suggestions apart from watching television.

What kind of approach will give a more positive response?

-- Roni

Dear Roni,

How about this story that I always remember to tell parents when they have a new second baby.

Your partner comes home one day with another woman and says to you: "Dear, I love you as much as I always have, but now this person is going to live with us too. By the way, she is also going to take up a lot of my time and attention because I am crazy about her and she is more helpless and needy than you are anyway. Isn't that wonderful? Aren't you delighted?"

Well how nice do you think you would be?

There is bound to be some jealousy between siblings. Good thing is if it is not severe, it probably helps children to grow up more tolerant, independent and generous. It is good for a child to know ahead of time he is going to have a baby brother or sister, preparing the way, also during labor and delivery.

The baby's arrival should change the older child's life as little as possible -- he still has his favorite toys, we will go to the same park to play, we still have our special time together. After delivery, it is tactful to play down the new baby in the early weeks. Do not act too excited about her, do not gloat over her. Do not talk a lot about her. As far as is convenient, take care of her while the older one is not around.

Many young children feel the greatest jealousy when they see the mother feeding the baby, especially at the breast. You should remind him of how big, how strong, smart or skillful he is, how much more he is able to do than the baby is. I don't mean that you should overdo it but just a sincere compliment whenever it is appropriate.

As a parent in this situation, you have three jobs. To protect the baby, to show the older child that he is not permitted to put his mean feelings into action and to reassure him that you still love him and that he is really a good boy.

If he can realize that his parents accept his angry feeling, not his angry action, and still love him, it is the best proof that he doesn't need to worry.

-- Dr. Donya