Should "head of family" be replaced by "heads"?

By Santi WE Soekanto [10 pts ML]

JAKARTA (JP): If women have equal rights and are able to fill social roles which were previously men's, should the "head of the family" position still be occupied by men only?

When the question is raised women are split in their opinion. So are men. And not in the traditionally polarized sense of "us against them."

"No matter what, I still want to see a man, my husband, as the head of my family," a Moslem female librarian in her mid-thirties said, quoting Koranic verse which says that man is the leader of woman.

"Oh, no. The `head' of the family is a collective position," said a young male reporter who hails from a family of journalists and whose mother is a high level achiever.

"Women can make as good decisions as men. Look at (Britain's former premier) Margaret Thatcher! Look at how meek John Major is!"

"But women are by nature weaker and more emotional, so it is natural that men have the privilege of leading their families," a male librarian said.

"And who said that all that hard work that men do, including the obligation to lead and provide for the family, is a privilege? Who is to say that `privilege' is not actually an enslavement of men?" another, older, male journalist shot back.

The four people above were speaking in a small group with The Jakarta Post. However, even in a larger gathering, a similarly fierce debate occurred.

In a recent seminar on women's rights in the family and society, prominent lawyer Nursyahbani Katjasungkana told 250 participants that because Indonesia has ratified the Convention of the Elimination of All Forms of Discrimination Against Women, it should automatically mean the protection of Indonesian women's rights.

Including the right to a portion of the family leadership.

"That means, the `head of the family' position is a collective one," Nursyahbani said. "A man does not automatically have to be the leader of his family."

In the seminar held in conjunction with the Kartini Day, which commemorates one of Indonesia's pioneers of women's rights, lawyer Abdul Hakim Garuda Nusantara cited women's civil rights.

Among these, he said, is women's right to draw up contracts and handle their own estates, the right to choose their own residences, as well as the right to obtain, change or retain their nationalities.

Only when those rights are met are women really equal, he said.

Both Nursyahbani and Hakim found various factors, from religious teachings to the country's political structure, to blame for various types of discrimination.

Though apologizing that they were not "experts" in religions, they managed to come up with several examples of religious (Islamic) edicts, which they believe are the cause of discrimination here.

"A Koranic verse which allows a man to beat his unruly wife is often used to justify wife-beating," Nursyahbani said. She failed to mention that Islam reserves such actions for situations in which other measures have failed and that it is written that the beating should never hurt or injure the woman.

Respect

During the seminar, a female doctor said that no matter how well she does in her job, she still looks up to her husband and lets him "lead" her family.

"I'm a Moslem, and this is what Islam teaches," she said.

Another participant in the seminar, a male radio broadcaster, said that although the Koranic verse on man's leadership over woman might seem "discriminatory" at first, the religion also expresses great respect for women, especially mothers.

"So, the head of the family still has to discuss with his wife if he wants to make certain decisions," he said helpfully, as if trying to reconcile the conflicting opinions.

According to a verse from the hadith (sayings and teachings of the Prophet Muhammad), a man asked what person he should respect the most.

The Prophet answered "Your mother" three times, before saying "Your father."

"...The fact that women can stay at home while their husbands have to go out there and earn a living for the families is a privilege for women," the older journalist said.

Both the seminar and the private discussion ended without definite conclusions, but left the impression that men still are more privileged than women.

At least in the sense that men have the benefit of ardent defense by women, while the most that men were willing to say for the defense of women is that they should escalate their campaign for equal rights.

"Oh, we men agree to your quest for equal rights," said a male doctor good-naturedly. However, this was viewed as patronizing by women participants.

The doctor, who is well-known for his advice column in the women's magazine Femina, also said "It's all now up to you. What do you want to do?"

Interests

Another impression left by such discussions is that the opinions expressed ensue from different points of views, as well as interests.

Those who find that religions are to blame for discrimination against women start their arguments by apologizing that they are "not experts on religion."

Those who advocate male superiority in the family structure quote religious teachings, but mix them with misleading stereotypes.

"Men should be the leader because women are weaker," claimed a young father of a boy.

However, he stopped talking when it was pointed out to him that statistically women outlive men and that women are more able to endure pain.

What obviously lacks in such discussions is the willingness of either party to study the other's point of view comprehensively, and the willingness to examine their own opinions and beliefs.

Engaging in such discourses may be interesting, but they fall short of providing answers for the actual problems faced by women every day.

These problems - such as violence, sexual harassment, poverty and poor treatment in the workplace, were set out in a speech last year by State Minister for Women's Role Mien Sugandhi.

"It's likely that those various obstacles besetting women's roles in development will remain the same this year and the next five years," Mien said.

There is also the question of the real definition of "head of the family."

The Ministry of Women's Roles defines the term as "someone who is psychologically and economically responsible in a household."

Around 7.15 percent of urban women and 7.68 percent of rural women, who occupy this position in their families are either widows, divorced or spouses whose husbands are no longer "actively participating in society."

Perhaps another, more satisfying definition is in order?

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