Sex consultant uses photos to stop a roving eye

Sex consultant uses photos to stop a roving eye

By Stevie Emilia

JAKARTA (JP): Family pictures are meaningless for some people.
But they are not without use at all. In fact, they can help to
save one's marriage by helping to fight any temptations to have
an affair.

This special trick comes from noted gynecologist and sex
consultant Boyke Dian Nugraha, who put pictures of his family --
his wife and three children -- all around him: inside his black
leather wallet, on the walls of his office and even on his Nokia
cell phone.

"These pictures will stop one who is thinking of having any
affair whatsoever," said boyish-looking Boyke while showing the
picture in his wallet of his wife of 14 years, physician Ferry
Lasemawati, and their children.

Born in Bandung on Dec. 14, 1956, Boyke, the first of five
children, came from a simple family, making him determined to
work hard to be what he is now -- a successful doctor, host of
various programs on TV and radio and a big time speaker in
seminars discussing sex-related issues.

Boyke's mother, Milly Ratna Dumilah, was a junior high school
teacher while his father, Col. (ret.) Subagio Danusasmita, who
died of cancer three months ago, was an army officer.

His determination to become a doctor came a long way, since he
was seven years old, after witnessing his mother suffering a
miscarriage of her would-be fourth child.

"She was lying on her bed and covered in blood. I thought she
was dead. All I could do was cry and scream. Then, I asked my
neighbors for help although I had to climb fences in order to do
that. They then took my mother to St. Borromeus hospital (in
Bandung)," he recalled. "At that time, my father was on an
assignment...."

At the hospital, his mother was treated and given a blood
transfusion. And soon, she was recovering.

"I was so impressed by the doctor that treated my mother ...
He hugged and comforted me, saying that my mother was just fine,
before taking me to see her. At that time I knew I wanted to be a
doctor."

His road to success was a rocky one. His father told him that
he might not be able to finance him to study medicine as it was
too expensive for his small salary.

"But I insisted ... Later on he told me that if I could make
it to a state-run university, he might be able to afford it,"
said Boyke, now head of the training and education division at
the Dharmais cancer hospital in West Jakarta.

A smart student, he was accepted at three state universities
-- the School of Medicine at the University of Indonesia (UI)
here, the University of Airlangga in Surabaya and the School of
Industrial Technology at the Bandung-based Technology Institute.
He decided to study at UI and graduated in 1981.

However, his father wanted him to join the military, but his
mother was strongly against the idea.

"Please don't be a soldier. Look at what has happened to your
mother. When I suffered from the miscarriage, it was neighbors
who took me to hospital, not your father. Don't let this happen
to your wife when you get married," said Boyke recalling his
mother's words.

Boyke regards his loving mother as his role model, teaching
him about many things, including religious values that he finds
useful in his life and work. From his father, Boyke learned about
discipline and honesty.

"I remembered when my father forbid me to use firecrackers
that were sent to us, saying that the person who sent them must
have a certain wish. My father then bought me firecrackers. He
told me he had the money to buy me them. That experience taught
me that honesty is very important in life."

But children cannot always easily understand their parents'
actions.

"When I was a child, my siblings and I used to complain that
our parents were too strict. Other children could play around,
but not us. But now, we're grateful for the way they taught us.
We are not sure that we can be better parents than them," said
Boyke.

Experiences

For Boyke, experiences, mostly those he had during assignments
outside Java, have contributed to shape both his career and his
personality.

He survived his first assignment in Palas, a small district in
Lampung, thanks to his favorite childhood films, Little House on
the Prairie and Dr. Kildare, which gave him the spirit not only
to treat sick people, but also to set up a senior high school
where he became teacher and also principal.

"There I saw that some students had to quit school because
they got pregnant outside of marriage. I knew this because I was
the teacher. I could not believe it ... they were so young,"
Boyke said, adding the situation made him decide to study
gynecology.

When he finished studying gynecology and was assigned to Luwu,
South Sulawesi, he found many more reasons to stay in the medical
field.

He spoke of a young woman, who came to him with tears in her
eyes, complaining of her "burning" genitals.

"After examining her, I was stunned into disbelief ... Her
genitals were covered with chili sauce. It turned out that the
woman was a mistress and because of jealousy she was tortured by
her lover's wife and children," Boyke said. "I was seriously
concerned that it was happening because of sex."

One of Boyke's published books, entitled Rahasia Pasien
Misteri Dokter (Patient's Secret, Doctor's Mystery), deals with
many cases he encountered during the period when he was in both
Lampung and South Sulawesi, and includes the time when he fell
victim to black magic.

Boyke insisted that sex plays an important role in marriage,
saying that sex problems were often blamed for causing extra-
marital affairs.

"Forty-two percent of the 130 cases of affairs that I am
dealing with happened during the wives' menopause, with the women
aged over 40 years old and were mostly caused by sex problems,"
said the specialist, who is practicing at Klinik Pasutri, a
medical clinic for married couples seeking medical and marital
advise.

For him, it was not natural to have affairs since he came from
a happy family with strong relations. He is conservative in
nature, believing that a marriage should last for a lifetime.

"I think extra-marital affairs happen because of communication
and sex problems," Boyke said. "It's not really difficult to
build good communication. You can simply call each other, say, to
remind your partner to have his or her meal in time. Small
things, but important."

He warned that extra-marital affairs could happen to anyone,
men or women, no matter what their educational backgrounds were.

"Affairs are not only happening in certain groups of people.
But with everyone: Pedicab drivers with jamu (traditional herb)
vendors, secretaries with directors ... I even have many married
female patients who have other men," said Boyke, who is against
casual sex and abortion himself.

In his seminars, he says that he tries to urge women to stay
beautiful and trendy or to take part in physical exercises
especially designed to maintain good sex relations with spouses.

"It takes a special effort to maintain your family. In the old
days, people were ashamed of having affairs. But now, we're
surrounded by affairs. But don't worry, there are ways to
maintain your family and you can learn about them," Boyke said.

These days, he finds people are becoming more open about sex,
even discussing their sex-related problems.

"I think sex is no longer a taboo issue ... All my seminars
are always fully-packed and many people come to my clinic," said
Boyke, who dreams of setting up his own center that will cover
all aspects of sex-related problems.

In Klinik Pasutri, he discovered that from the 3,000 patients
who came to the clinic since it opened last year, the main
complaints were those concerning infertility, difficulty in
reaching orgasm and erectile dysfunction.

And the openness about sex issues was not only found in urban
areas, but also in rural areas where at parties people talk or
joke about sex.

"People chat about this person getting married again, or that
person cheating. They're laughing about it. All the talk is about
sex. But they are not willing to admit to it ... you now, our
people tend to be muna (hypocrites)," Boyke said.

But some are still too shy to reveal their sex-related
problems.

"There's a patient who sent his driver to ask me to prescribe
something to increase his 'power'. It's not necessary. Many men
suffer from erectile dysfunction and they have been turning to
traditional herbs like Kuku Bima. I keep saying that erectile
dysfunction is just like other diseases, you can come to a
doctor, talk about it and cure it."

And as a father, Boyke also tries to be open with his children
when it comes to sex-related issues.

"My fifth-grade daughter just asked me the difference between
French and Japanese kisses? She also asked me if it's true that
she should allow her male friend, who likes her a lot, to kiss
her to show that they are now a couple? So, I had to explain...."