Sex consultant uses photos to stop a roving eye

By Stevie Emilia

JAKARTA (JP): Family pictures are meaningless for some people. But they are not without use at all. In fact, they can help to save one's marriage by helping to fight any temptations to have an affair.

This special trick comes from noted gynecologist and sex consultant Boyke Dian Nugraha, who put pictures of his family -- his wife and three children -- all around him: inside his black leather wallet, on the walls of his office and even on his Nokia cell phone.

"These pictures will stop one who is thinking of having any affair whatsoever," said boyish-looking Boyke while showing the picture in his wallet of his wife of 14 years, physician Ferry Lasemawati, and their children.

Born in Bandung on Dec. 14, 1956, Boyke, the first of five children, came from a simple family, making him determined to work hard to be what he is now -- a successful doctor, host of various programs on TV and radio and a big time speaker in seminars discussing sex-related issues.

Boyke's mother, Milly Ratna Dumilah, was a junior high school teacher while his father, Col. (ret.) Subagio Danusasmita, who died of cancer three months ago, was an army officer.

His determination to become a doctor came a long way, since he was seven years old, after witnessing his mother suffering a miscarriage of her would-be fourth child.

"She was lying on her bed and covered in blood. I thought she was dead. All I could do was cry and scream. Then, I asked my neighbors for help although I had to climb fences in order to do that. They then took my mother to St. Borromeus hospital (in Bandung)," he recalled. "At that time, my father was on an assignment...."

At the hospital, his mother was treated and given a blood transfusion. And soon, she was recovering.

"I was so impressed by the doctor that treated my mother ... He hugged and comforted me, saying that my mother was just fine, before taking me to see her. At that time I knew I wanted to be a doctor."

His road to success was a rocky one. His father told him that he might not be able to finance him to study medicine as it was too expensive for his small salary.

"But I insisted ... Later on he told me that if I could make it to a state-run university, he might be able to afford it," said Boyke, now head of the training and education division at the Dharmais cancer hospital in West Jakarta.

A smart student, he was accepted at three state universities -- the School of Medicine at the University of Indonesia (UI) here, the University of Airlangga in Surabaya and the School of Industrial Technology at the Bandung-based Technology Institute. He decided to study at UI and graduated in 1981.

However, his father wanted him to join the military, but his mother was strongly against the idea.

"Please don't be a soldier. Look at what has happened to your mother. When I suffered from the miscarriage, it was neighbors who took me to hospital, not your father. Don't let this happen to your wife when you get married," said Boyke recalling his mother's words.

Boyke regards his loving mother as his role model, teaching him about many things, including religious values that he finds useful in his life and work. From his father, Boyke learned about discipline and honesty.

"I remembered when my father forbid me to use firecrackers that were sent to us, saying that the person who sent them must have a certain wish. My father then bought me firecrackers. He told me he had the money to buy me them. That experience taught me that honesty is very important in life."

But children cannot always easily understand their parents' actions.

"When I was a child, my siblings and I used to complain that our parents were too strict. Other children could play around, but not us. But now, we're grateful for the way they taught us. We are not sure that we can be better parents than them," said Boyke.

Experiences

For Boyke, experiences, mostly those he had during assignments outside Java, have contributed to shape both his career and his personality.

He survived his first assignment in Palas, a small district in Lampung, thanks to his favorite childhood films, Little House on the Prairie and Dr. Kildare, which gave him the spirit not only to treat sick people, but also to set up a senior high school where he became teacher and also principal.

"There I saw that some students had to quit school because they got pregnant outside of marriage. I knew this because I was the teacher. I could not believe it ... they were so young," Boyke said, adding the situation made him decide to study gynecology.

When he finished studying gynecology and was assigned to Luwu, South Sulawesi, he found many more reasons to stay in the medical field.

He spoke of a young woman, who came to him with tears in her eyes, complaining of her "burning" genitals.

"After examining her, I was stunned into disbelief ... Her genitals were covered with chili sauce. It turned out that the woman was a mistress and because of jealousy she was tortured by her lover's wife and children," Boyke said. "I was seriously concerned that it was happening because of sex."

One of Boyke's published books, entitled Rahasia Pasien Misteri Dokter (Patient's Secret, Doctor's Mystery), deals with many cases he encountered during the period when he was in both Lampung and South Sulawesi, and includes the time when he fell victim to black magic.

Boyke insisted that sex plays an important role in marriage, saying that sex problems were often blamed for causing extra- marital affairs.

"Forty-two percent of the 130 cases of affairs that I am dealing with happened during the wives' menopause, with the women aged over 40 years old and were mostly caused by sex problems," said the specialist, who is practicing at Klinik Pasutri, a medical clinic for married couples seeking medical and marital advise.

For him, it was not natural to have affairs since he came from a happy family with strong relations. He is conservative in nature, believing that a marriage should last for a lifetime.

"I think extra-marital affairs happen because of communication and sex problems," Boyke said. "It's not really difficult to build good communication. You can simply call each other, say, to remind your partner to have his or her meal in time. Small things, but important."

He warned that extra-marital affairs could happen to anyone, men or women, no matter what their educational backgrounds were.

"Affairs are not only happening in certain groups of people. But with everyone: Pedicab drivers with jamu (traditional herb) vendors, secretaries with directors ... I even have many married female patients who have other men," said Boyke, who is against casual sex and abortion himself.

In his seminars, he says that he tries to urge women to stay beautiful and trendy or to take part in physical exercises especially designed to maintain good sex relations with spouses.

"It takes a special effort to maintain your family. In the old days, people were ashamed of having affairs. But now, we're surrounded by affairs. But don't worry, there are ways to maintain your family and you can learn about them," Boyke said.

These days, he finds people are becoming more open about sex, even discussing their sex-related problems.

"I think sex is no longer a taboo issue ... All my seminars are always fully-packed and many people come to my clinic," said Boyke, who dreams of setting up his own center that will cover all aspects of sex-related problems.

In Klinik Pasutri, he discovered that from the 3,000 patients who came to the clinic since it opened last year, the main complaints were those concerning infertility, difficulty in reaching orgasm and erectile dysfunction.

And the openness about sex issues was not only found in urban areas, but also in rural areas where at parties people talk or joke about sex.

"People chat about this person getting married again, or that person cheating. They're laughing about it. All the talk is about sex. But they are not willing to admit to it ... you now, our people tend to be muna (hypocrites)," Boyke said.

But some are still too shy to reveal their sex-related problems.

"There's a patient who sent his driver to ask me to prescribe something to increase his 'power'. It's not necessary. Many men suffer from erectile dysfunction and they have been turning to traditional herbs like Kuku Bima. I keep saying that erectile dysfunction is just like other diseases, you can come to a doctor, talk about it and cure it."

And as a father, Boyke also tries to be open with his children when it comes to sex-related issues.

"My fifth-grade daughter just asked me the difference between French and Japanese kisses? She also asked me if it's true that she should allow her male friend, who likes her a lot, to kiss her to show that they are now a couple? So, I had to explain...."