Seven steps to looking and acting intellectual

How to look and act like an intellectual somebody in seven easy steps.

1. Carry a dog-eared copy of one of Pramoedya's books everywhere. It dosn't matter which one. Eat a panini in QB cafe, and gush over how his stories and prose changed your life. Stress how deep and all encompassing his novels are, and casually mention your own personal library of his work and other greats. You must be either be crestfallen, brooding or quick-to-anger when you mention his time in prison at Buru Island. Don't forget to call him Pram, as other devotees call him. Otherwise you'll sound like a novice. As for foreign authors, JD Salinger, Milan Kundera and the Beat Generation writers are a safe bet (Stephen King, Danielle Steele, Sidney Sheldon are definite no-nos). Being able to namecheck a rising, young author will also improve your cred.

2. Discuss existentialism with ardent fervor, accompanied by an endless supply of cigarettes and black coffee, of course. A friend once remarked that he had fallen for a classmate who knew the work of Kafka by heart -- of course, the fact that his classmate had a huge pair of errr, Kafkas -- two large volumes in fact -- was not given even the slightest consideration.

3. Pretend that you're in the know when it comes to politics, but sigh and say that you're much too cynical, jaded and/or bitter to comment if others want to know your opinions. America is a good country to hate right now, which makes all other countries that support America fair game.

4. Pepper your conversation (and articles) with difficult, obscure, abstruse and obfuscating neologisms -- or words and phrases. Don't worry if you don't have the slightest inkling of their meaning. Your audience will nod along in agreement, what with them, being eager to look like deep, intellectual individuals themselves. Some words to get you there: Cultural relativism, intellectual torpor, enervate, inane, denouement, rube, hoi polloi and, of course, post-structuralist. (For bonus points -- use non-English foreign words; French is good)

5. Scoff at mindless Hollywood pap. Worship auteurs, not mere directors. No Steven Spielberg, please. Only Godard, Fellini, Bergman and Truffaut will do. Anybody who sounds French counts. The only local filmmaker to mention is Garin. If you have to like an American, make sure it's Kubrick. The more confusing the plot, the better. If it's boring, then it must be Cannes material. A controversial sex scene is a bonus, because if you don't have the slightest clue what the movie is all about, you can at least ogle the actors' bottoms.

6. Dislike anything mainstream. No self-respecting educated bourgeoisie would be caught dead enjoying anything off the Top 40 list. According to Toby Young, author of the hilarious memoir How to Lose Friends & Alienate People, popular culture is strictly divided between the stuff it is okay to like -- indie films, alternative rock, any form of cultural expression associated with minorities -- and the "rubbish" produced by the American entertainment industry. In order to pass muster, something has to be "authentic", it has to have an "edge". Mainstream popular culture is "plastic" and "safe". You're an avant-garde babe, with avant-garde taste. Announce to the world that you're a die-hard Radiohead fan, that Thom Yorke is the all-seeing God whose deep and moving lyrics make you cry. Denounce them when there are more than two people in the room who share the same sentiment.

7. Should you be unable to conceal your delight at hearing the opening keyboard intro of Britney's Baby One More Time, offer either of the following explanations: A) "It's just like an annoying repetitive ad, unfortunately bad things just stick in your mind," or B) "it was enjoyed strictly in a spirit of camp condescension". Baywatch, for instance, should be regarded as "hilarious" because it falls into the "so bad, it's good" category. If you're caught with one such dodgy CD or DVD at the record store, mention reason B or say that you're buying it for your don't-know-any-better 10-year-old niece.

Of course, none of these strategies need apply if you happen to be an expat. People will regard you as a stylish, intellectual individual whose words they will cling onto, despite the fact that you drool when eating, speak broken, child-like Indonesian and frequently voice your love for Britney, Baywatch, Steven Speilberg, George Bush, Jackie Collins and Starbucks. --Krabbe K. Pitting