Sense of identity not something someone chooses

MELBOURNE, Australia (JP): At the "Autonomy or Disintegration" conference, convened by the universities of Melbourne, Monash, La Trobe and Deakin, in Melbourne last weekend, the topic of nationalism and the nation state was discussed at length. Aspects such as shared ethnicity, shared history, common interests, even externally forced boundaries, were explored as factors that held a group of people together forming a nation.

While the above aspects have been historically proven to contribute to the shaping of a nation, it is also important, it seems, to remember that the people they hold together consist of individuals, whose sense of identity plays an equally important role. And this sense of identity may reflect the person's ethnicity, upbringing, global or historical awareness, common objectives with others, some of the above or all those things combined. And interestingly, the sense of identity is not something the person chooses. It is something the person develops, almost involuntarily. And just as interestingly, it is not necessarily what other people see from outside.

As a person with some Chinese ancestry who was born and brought up in Indonesia then came to live in Australia, I can tell you some first-hand experiences.

I have never had any problem with my Chinese ancestry. It is an accepted part of my family history, but it does not have any role in my present life or lifestyle. If I have ever had any problems at all, it was deciding whether I was Indonesian or Australian, because they were both in me. When I physically came to live in Australia, I did not leave Indonesia behind. My Indonesianness never stopped developing, while at the same time my Australianness also grew.

Three decades later, I can comfortably say that I feel both Indonesian and Australian. When Indonesia does something good, I feel proud. When Indonesia does something bad, I feel terrible. The same can be said about my emotional relationship with Australia. The tension that has been going on between Indonesia and Australia, needless to say, has caused me embarrassment at best and anguish at worst.

Another problem I have is having to deal with expectations that having Chinese ancestry means that I feel and act Chinese and respond to certain things in a Chinese way. On many occasions I have heard comments, "That's not very Chinese of you!"

On the other hand, as soon as I mention what is good or bad feng-shui for example, a topic which, by the way, only came to my awareness some five years ago after hearing an Australian friend talk about it, people will pounce on me, commenting how Chinese I am.

I became acutely aware of these expectations in April 1999. I finally recovered from a state of shock after learning of the physical violence, including rape and murder, of Indonesian women, many of whom were of Chinese descent, perpetrated by men unidentified until now, over a short period of time, in Jakarta and a number of cities in Indonesia in mid 1998. I was deeply disturbed that those men, my compatriots, could have committed such gratuitous and senseless acts on defenseless women. And what more, these were not reported in the media for almost a whole year and the victims were too scared to come forward.

I thought of those poor women who continued cowering in the dark, without any recognition of their suffering. So I wrote an article, published in The Age.

For months after the article appeared, whenever I came across someone from the Indonesian community, I was either congratulated for my courage, or received an apology. One dear friend tearfully said to me, "Dewi, I am so ashamed! I am so sorry!" To which I replied warmly and truthfully, "So am I."

Then one day a friend related to me that many from the Indonesian community were cross with me, because I showed my Chinese bias by writing that article. "She only wrote it because she is Chinese," my friend quoted them.

I was dumbfounded. I explained to my friend that I wrote that story in the hope of helping the victims start their healing process. And just as importantly, to start my own healing process. I needed to reconcile with the fact that some Indonesian people had the capacity to act so cruelly, without clear reasons.

My friend understood. But I could not repeat the explanation to each member of the Indonesian community, and I did not feel the inclination to do so.

After all, my sense of identity is private. If people cannot see it, it is not my problem.

-- Dewi Anggraeni