Samuel Wattimena puts his gay past behind him for God

Samuel Wattimena puts his gay past behind him for God

By Bruce Emond

JAKARTA (JP): Fashion designer Samuel Wattimena has long been
a favorite of the country's top entertainers for his stylish,
slinky gowns.

In gay circles, he also earned a reputation for his up-front
acknowledgement of his sexuality and as an enthusiastic regular
on the party and nightclub circuit.

But Wattimena is now making news outside of the style and
social sections of local newspapers. His public declaration that
he has embraced Jesus and is no longer gay has shocked many,
including friends and colleagues in the fashion industry.

"It has been difficult for many people to understand," he says
in a rambling two-hour interview in a local cafe. "Some people
have criticized me behind my back and others have even come up to
me and said things to my face, like 'We'll see what happens to
you.'"

His frank discussion of his gay experiences, including in a
lengthy profile on a recent Christian TV show, has been
particularly startling in a communal society where gays and
lesbians face overwhelming pressure to conform.

When mention of homosexuality does make it into the media, it
is more often as a snide aside, such as an official sniffing that
he is not a banci (fag) in facing his critics. The homosexuality
of many public figures, including a late national leader's
famously campy choreographer son and the former Soeharto minister
implicated in a foreign sex scandal, may be open secrets, but
they receive the soft touch in agreeable media profiles.

In contrast, Wattimena, 38, refuses to pussyfoot about his
past. In blunt, sometimes harrowing detail, he confesses to
embarking on a sexual merry-go-round in a vain quest for love. He
is equally candid in describing his renewed love for Christ.

Skeptics will no doubt be tempted to dismiss him as a deeply
troubled man who fell into the safety net of a religion only too
happy to embrace a reformed homosexual; a prize sinner too good
to pass up.

Problem is that he does not, for all the persuasive
pronouncements and profession to a life of abstinence, come
across as a raging zealot hell-bent on bringing the world's gay
men and lesbians back to the straight and narrow. He shows
genuine surprise, if not hurt, when asked if he understands the
pain and anger his statements cause many gay people.

In his own words, Wattimena tells of his gay experiences, his
immersion in a netherworld of sex and drugs and what led him to
religion.

Question: When we talked on the phone yesterday, you mentioned
your "change of attitude" regarding being gay. What does that
mean?

Answer: Actually, it was something I always wanted since
junior high school. I wanted so much to get out of this way of
life but I couldn't do it by myself. I cannot say I didn't enjoy
being gay, but there was nothing in my soul. It was only physical
for me and I could never rid myself of the overwhelming guilt.

In 1992, I had a mental breakdown and I underwent intense
psychiatric care for about six months. Still, I couldn't rid
myself of the guilt. It is only now, after realizing that I could
not do it alone but had to leave it up to Christ, that I have
changed.

Q: What have you learned?

A: I found out that I was filled with hate. And it was toward my
parents, especially my father, because they treated me like a
girl when I was small. So they created me to be that way. In
elementary school people started teasing me, calling me a fag. It
made me wonder why I talked the way I did. Why did I have the
funny intonation?

At the time I did not know that I really hated my father,
because my family was very close-knit, ostensibly harmonious. We
never fought, never argued. Which means we never had an outlet
for our emotions. And my family supported me because I was the
youngest. My brothers must have thought something was wrong with
me, but they protected me. If I put on a girl's dress, they all
clapped and made light of it. My father would even take
photographs.

Q: What were your first sexual experiences?

A: I knew about sex very early on because my older brothers would
watch porn films in front of me. In elementary school, I can
remember taking a porn magazine to show to my friends. I guess I
became known as the porn distributor among them! But I felt under
so much pressure in junior high school when I was really picked
on. Other boys would call me a fag and challenge me to a fight,
and I would not know what to do.

I started having sexual relations quite early on. In high
school a friend asked me to visit a gay friend's place and that's
when it started. And then, of course, you start seeking out other
people like yourself, but the gay relationships were always with
men older than me, not the same age. I was already cruising
around looking for sex, looking to get someone to get laid. When
it was over, I was always left wondering why I felt like garbage.

Q: You say this desire to change started a long time ago...

A: There were perhaps four times in my life when I really tried
to change, tried to get out of the gay life. But I would always
find myself giving up because I was depending on myself, not on
Him. I would try to change, and then think that all of us are
sinners, even the smallest baby, so why bother. And it went on
like that; each time you fall, you fall further into the ravine.

I started to accept myself as a gay. Here I was a smart,
intelligent gay man, and my gay life became happier and wilder. I
met a Western man and I finally had a real relationship after
never being able to get enough. He was handsome and intelligent
and he really cared about me, which I never felt before. Because
previously I was always suspicious that people wanted me because
of my fame or money. So, I had the person I dreamed of, but still
I was so afraid, so insecure about him finding someone else. I
built up a fortress and pushed him away, and I became even
wilder.

Q: What do you mean?

A: I was living in New York in 1994 and I went crazy with sex. I
wanted to try everything, experience everything. I was using
drugs to get me through the experience. Twenty-four hours of the
day were filled with sex and more sex.

Before and after my relationship with that man, I did wild,
unbelievable, evil things. I would use my money and my name to go
after people. If I saw someone I liked, I would do anything to
get them. I would have waiters give notes to men in restaurants.
Even if the man was not gay, he would tolerate it because I was
well-known.

There were so many evil things. I would sleep with men not
because I liked them or their face, but because I knew they were
well-endowed. I find it difficult to believe some of the things I
did. I tell my friends now and they can't believe it. I was cute,
smart, talented Sammy to them.

Q: But many gay people would be offended by what you are saying,
that it falls into the homophobic stereotype of gay people as
promiscuous, sex-obsessed deviants who need to be saved. Your
life may have little in common with a man who accepts being gay,
and sexual addiction is not exclusive to gays. Are you on a
mission to convert gays?

A: This is about me and I'm not talking about the gay community.
People ask me are you encouraging them to change? Well, I'm
talking about me, but to change them is God's right. But I always
ask my friends whether they are happy. For me, my soul was held
hostage by evil, by the devil, but I changed by realizing that
only He could be my savior.

Why can't you see it from the other side, that I am trying to
share why I feel touched by Jesus. My thinking is that if I see a
good movie, I'm going to tell my friends about it, why I liked
it, why it had meaning for me. I feel blessed with my life
experience and I want to share it with them. If I was given lots
of free candy, I would want to share it with people. I'm not
judging people; that's up to God.

Q: What was the turning point?

A: My friend (model-actor) Didi Mirhad was sick in the hospital.
He had lost a lot of weight but nobody really knew what was
wrong. I called up his relative, who broke down and told me Didi
had AIDS. We took Didi to see a pastor in a charismatic church,
which is so different from the church I grew up with, where you
sang and prayed but kept everything formal.

As the pastor ministered to Didi, everything he said hit home
with me. It was like every word was meant for me and my
situation. I started looking forward to taking Didi to see the
pastor. It was all about love, like watering a plant in dry soil.
I went up to the altar one day, and the pastor went to touch my
head and I fell back from the power. Scenes from my life flashed
before me and I was sobbing, and I felt my soul was out of my
body. It stopped suddenly, and I began to laugh hysterically.
Everything had changed.

People ask me how I changed so quickly, and I say I had been
trying for 22 years. But the difference was that I was trying on
my own. It was only through His help that I made it. Now I ask
for His help all the time, for the smallest of things. I take
care of the things that are possible, and He takes care of the
impossible.

Q: It sounds like switching one's sexuality is easy, like making
a menu choice between chicken and beef. Some could argue that,
faced by the daunting specter of someone you cared about dying of
AIDS, you tried to escape through religion.

A: No, that's not true. Insecurity and guilt are not the
domination of gay people. For me, this is about my well-being. I
still have problems in my life, but He will always fight for you
if you choose to accept Him. Accepting Him as my savior has made
all the difference.

I had a gay friend visit me last night and he was talking
about how he finally found the right one for him; someone who was
handsome, rich and loyal. So I told him, you know, there is
someone who is even more beautiful than your friend, even richer
than your friend can ever be, the most loyal of all. And that is
Jesus. There is nobody greater than the person who died to save
us all.

Q: Does that mean you regret your past, including with the man
who loved you?

A: I don't have regrets. I'm very happy that I had that
relationship, that God gave me that experience. It was a
beautiful moment. But now I am in a greater relationship, the one
I looked for my whole life. And nothing can buy that.