Samuel Wattimena puts his gay past behind him for God

By Bruce Emond

JAKARTA (JP): Fashion designer Samuel Wattimena has long been a favorite of the country's top entertainers for his stylish, slinky gowns.

In gay circles, he also earned a reputation for his up-front acknowledgement of his sexuality and as an enthusiastic regular on the party and nightclub circuit.

But Wattimena is now making news outside of the style and social sections of local newspapers. His public declaration that he has embraced Jesus and is no longer gay has shocked many, including friends and colleagues in the fashion industry.

"It has been difficult for many people to understand," he says in a rambling two-hour interview in a local cafe. "Some people have criticized me behind my back and others have even come up to me and said things to my face, like 'We'll see what happens to you.'"

His frank discussion of his gay experiences, including in a lengthy profile on a recent Christian TV show, has been particularly startling in a communal society where gays and lesbians face overwhelming pressure to conform.

When mention of homosexuality does make it into the media, it is more often as a snide aside, such as an official sniffing that he is not a banci (fag) in facing his critics. The homosexuality of many public figures, including a late national leader's famously campy choreographer son and the former Soeharto minister implicated in a foreign sex scandal, may be open secrets, but they receive the soft touch in agreeable media profiles.

In contrast, Wattimena, 38, refuses to pussyfoot about his past. In blunt, sometimes harrowing detail, he confesses to embarking on a sexual merry-go-round in a vain quest for love. He is equally candid in describing his renewed love for Christ.

Skeptics will no doubt be tempted to dismiss him as a deeply troubled man who fell into the safety net of a religion only too happy to embrace a reformed homosexual; a prize sinner too good to pass up.

Problem is that he does not, for all the persuasive pronouncements and profession to a life of abstinence, come across as a raging zealot hell-bent on bringing the world's gay men and lesbians back to the straight and narrow. He shows genuine surprise, if not hurt, when asked if he understands the pain and anger his statements cause many gay people.

In his own words, Wattimena tells of his gay experiences, his immersion in a netherworld of sex and drugs and what led him to religion.

Question: When we talked on the phone yesterday, you mentioned your "change of attitude" regarding being gay. What does that mean?

Answer: Actually, it was something I always wanted since junior high school. I wanted so much to get out of this way of life but I couldn't do it by myself. I cannot say I didn't enjoy being gay, but there was nothing in my soul. It was only physical for me and I could never rid myself of the overwhelming guilt.

In 1992, I had a mental breakdown and I underwent intense psychiatric care for about six months. Still, I couldn't rid myself of the guilt. It is only now, after realizing that I could not do it alone but had to leave it up to Christ, that I have changed.

Q: What have you learned?

A: I found out that I was filled with hate. And it was toward my parents, especially my father, because they treated me like a girl when I was small. So they created me to be that way. In elementary school people started teasing me, calling me a fag. It made me wonder why I talked the way I did. Why did I have the funny intonation?

At the time I did not know that I really hated my father, because my family was very close-knit, ostensibly harmonious. We never fought, never argued. Which means we never had an outlet for our emotions. And my family supported me because I was the youngest. My brothers must have thought something was wrong with me, but they protected me. If I put on a girl's dress, they all clapped and made light of it. My father would even take photographs.

Q: What were your first sexual experiences?

A: I knew about sex very early on because my older brothers would watch porn films in front of me. In elementary school, I can remember taking a porn magazine to show to my friends. I guess I became known as the porn distributor among them! But I felt under so much pressure in junior high school when I was really picked on. Other boys would call me a fag and challenge me to a fight, and I would not know what to do.

I started having sexual relations quite early on. In high school a friend asked me to visit a gay friend's place and that's when it started. And then, of course, you start seeking out other people like yourself, but the gay relationships were always with men older than me, not the same age. I was already cruising around looking for sex, looking to get someone to get laid. When it was over, I was always left wondering why I felt like garbage.

Q: You say this desire to change started a long time ago...

A: There were perhaps four times in my life when I really tried to change, tried to get out of the gay life. But I would always find myself giving up because I was depending on myself, not on Him. I would try to change, and then think that all of us are sinners, even the smallest baby, so why bother. And it went on like that; each time you fall, you fall further into the ravine.

I started to accept myself as a gay. Here I was a smart, intelligent gay man, and my gay life became happier and wilder. I met a Western man and I finally had a real relationship after never being able to get enough. He was handsome and intelligent and he really cared about me, which I never felt before. Because previously I was always suspicious that people wanted me because of my fame or money. So, I had the person I dreamed of, but still I was so afraid, so insecure about him finding someone else. I built up a fortress and pushed him away, and I became even wilder.

Q: What do you mean?

A: I was living in New York in 1994 and I went crazy with sex. I wanted to try everything, experience everything. I was using drugs to get me through the experience. Twenty-four hours of the day were filled with sex and more sex.

Before and after my relationship with that man, I did wild, unbelievable, evil things. I would use my money and my name to go after people. If I saw someone I liked, I would do anything to get them. I would have waiters give notes to men in restaurants. Even if the man was not gay, he would tolerate it because I was well-known.

There were so many evil things. I would sleep with men not because I liked them or their face, but because I knew they were well-endowed. I find it difficult to believe some of the things I did. I tell my friends now and they can't believe it. I was cute, smart, talented Sammy to them.

Q: But many gay people would be offended by what you are saying, that it falls into the homophobic stereotype of gay people as promiscuous, sex-obsessed deviants who need to be saved. Your life may have little in common with a man who accepts being gay, and sexual addiction is not exclusive to gays. Are you on a mission to convert gays?

A: This is about me and I'm not talking about the gay community. People ask me are you encouraging them to change? Well, I'm talking about me, but to change them is God's right. But I always ask my friends whether they are happy. For me, my soul was held hostage by evil, by the devil, but I changed by realizing that only He could be my savior.

Why can't you see it from the other side, that I am trying to share why I feel touched by Jesus. My thinking is that if I see a good movie, I'm going to tell my friends about it, why I liked it, why it had meaning for me. I feel blessed with my life experience and I want to share it with them. If I was given lots of free candy, I would want to share it with people. I'm not judging people; that's up to God.

Q: What was the turning point?

A: My friend (model-actor) Didi Mirhad was sick in the hospital. He had lost a lot of weight but nobody really knew what was wrong. I called up his relative, who broke down and told me Didi had AIDS. We took Didi to see a pastor in a charismatic church, which is so different from the church I grew up with, where you sang and prayed but kept everything formal.

As the pastor ministered to Didi, everything he said hit home with me. It was like every word was meant for me and my situation. I started looking forward to taking Didi to see the pastor. It was all about love, like watering a plant in dry soil. I went up to the altar one day, and the pastor went to touch my head and I fell back from the power. Scenes from my life flashed before me and I was sobbing, and I felt my soul was out of my body. It stopped suddenly, and I began to laugh hysterically. Everything had changed.

People ask me how I changed so quickly, and I say I had been trying for 22 years. But the difference was that I was trying on my own. It was only through His help that I made it. Now I ask for His help all the time, for the smallest of things. I take care of the things that are possible, and He takes care of the impossible.

Q: It sounds like switching one's sexuality is easy, like making a menu choice between chicken and beef. Some could argue that, faced by the daunting specter of someone you cared about dying of AIDS, you tried to escape through religion.

A: No, that's not true. Insecurity and guilt are not the domination of gay people. For me, this is about my well-being. I still have problems in my life, but He will always fight for you if you choose to accept Him. Accepting Him as my savior has made all the difference.

I had a gay friend visit me last night and he was talking about how he finally found the right one for him; someone who was handsome, rich and loyal. So I told him, you know, there is someone who is even more beautiful than your friend, even richer than your friend can ever be, the most loyal of all. And that is Jesus. There is nobody greater than the person who died to save us all.

Q: Does that mean you regret your past, including with the man who loved you?

A: I don't have regrets. I'm very happy that I had that relationship, that God gave me that experience. It was a beautiful moment. But now I am in a greater relationship, the one I looked for my whole life. And nothing can buy that.