Responsible parenthood big question to minors' behavior

By Mochtar Buchori

JAKARTA (JP): Remember James Bulger? He was the toddler murdered last year by two 10-year-olds in Liverpool, Great Britain.

An earlier tragedy drew public attention in October 1987, when a wealthy couple, Nicholas and Elizabeth Newall of Jersey, the United Kingdom, were murdered by their sons, Roderick and Mark Newall.

How do we explain cases like these? I don't think that such incidents emerge out of a single reason. The mental processes that cause people to commit such violent acts must be complex. And within this complex web of causal reasons one factor must be the inability to distinguish right from wrong.

It is in this regard that responsible parenthood becomes a very important question. The role of parents is paramount in the development of the ability within each child to distinguish right from wrong. Responsible parents always do their utmost to make their children understand from early childhood on what is right and what is wrong.

How do you help parents feel responsible for the education of their children? How do you prevent them from becoming bad parents? How do you make parents understand that their obligation to educate their children does not end with having them enrolled at schools?

One of my assistants thinks that the reluctance of less educated parents to cooperate with their children's schools comes out of ignorance regarding the nature of education. But among the more educated and well-to-do parents she thinks that this attitude is primarily due to irresponsibility. In her view most of the latter type of parents believe that education is just another commodity that can be purchased.

She asked: "How do you explain to these parents that ultimately the result of school education for each individual child depends upon the collaboration of the family?"

Neither she, nor I knew how to answer this question.

In my search for an intelligible answer, I tried to elaborate on the difference between the less educated and the well-to-do parents.

It is much easier, I think, to persuade the less educated and the low income parents to cooperate. A few informative sessions and sympathetic dialogs will suffice. It is possible, in my opinion, to persuade these parents to refrain from educational practices at home that will undermine the basic educational strategy adopted by the school.

Fighting irresponsible parenthood is quite a different matter.

It is just impossible to change parents' attitudes concerning the education of their children through encounters designed to impart more knowledge about education and the child's development alone. Parents who are indifferent toward their children will not become concerned for their education on the basis of enriched knowledge about the process of education alone.

Basically, responsible parenthood will come about only if parents succeed in controlling their egotistic and egocentric tendencies, and generate genuine interest in the welfare and the future of their children. This kind of feeling cannot be cultivated within days or months. It can be achieved only through repeated self-examination concerning the meaning which one purports to give to one's life, and repeated questions concerning the place one aspires to occupy with one's family in society.

Responsible parenthood seems to be a trait that cannot be separated from moral adulthood and acceptance of oneself. True, it is a trait that is not easy to acquire. But it must be realized at the same time that failure to develop this characteristic can have very dire consequences, both personally and socially.

The best reminder in this regard is, I think, to ask oneself whether one wants one's child to become a murderer, a bum, or a nobody. As long as one still cares to ask this question, one can still hope for the growth of responsible parenthood within oneself.

The writer is rector of the Muhammadiyah University, Jakarta.