Relax, folks, we have great names on the presidential list

JAKARTA (JP): "One parabola and two internets," shouted the cafe owner to his cook after taking orders from his customers.

Intrigued by such "sophisticated" names on the menu, I ordered the same, imagining that I would get special food that could make my day after a tiring argument in a meeting. But I was stunned at the sight of the food served by the waiter only a few minutes later.

Parabola was no more than a plate of jengkol (a pungent smelling vegetable with a shape resembling tiny disc antenna) and internet was the acronym of indomie telor tambah kornet (instant noodle with eggs and corned beef). What a wily way of grabbing customers' attention! The cafe uses such intriguing names on the menu because conventional names are no longer viable in attracting customers and boosting sales amid tight competition.

A name usually bears a message. In the 1970s, if you wanted to sell a plot of land at a good price, all you needed to do was spread the news that the land in the vicinity had been or would be bought by state oil and gas company Pertamina. It was bound to lure eager buyers! Pertamina at the time would buy anything for any price. Its assets were enormous, ranging from rice plantations, real estate, hotels to an airline company. A story had it that if you happened to fly above Jakarta and dropped a stone, it would be bound to fall on one of Pertamina's assets.

Being a Pertamina employee then was something to be proud of. But when the crisis hit and the company was burdened with enormous debt, the popularity as well as the pride faded away, along with a host of assets that probably went down the drain.

Now, with fresh allegations of embezzlement involving billions of dollars, I doubt the name would still be pronounced with the similar boastful tone of the 1970s.

When it comes to celebrities, names translate into business. The names of popular artists are not only printed on TV screens or on billboards for movie theaters. They have made their way to the umbrellas on sidewalk food stalls now popular as cafes.

Look at the difference a name makes! A portion of instant noodles saturated with monosodium glutamate in a cafe that bears a celebrity name could sell for Rp 15,000, while at the common warung (traditional restaurant) nearby the same dish costs a mere Rp 2,000. The customers are lured to the cafes by the names -- and the appearance -- of their favorite celebrities, leaving traditional vendors down in the dumps.

You would think that these celebrities use their names to rob business opportunities from traditional vendors. But they have their own excuses for branching out. "We have equal rights in this era of reform. If somebody else can do it, why can't we?" is their battle cry. They are apparently oblivious to the fact that competition with celebrities will eventually kill the small vendors who have been having problems making ends meet in the crisis.

Children are usually named in the hope that their appellation will bring them the best in the future and that children will act in accordance with their names. Naming a baby boy after Muhammad, for instance, is certainly intended to generate a sense of nobility so that the boy will adopt the good characteristics of the prophet.

Indonesia's first president Sukarno and my father had one thing in common; they were both very fond of meaningful names. Sukarno chose natural phenomena in bestowing names on his children. He called his sons Guntur (thunder), Guruh (also means thunder), Bayu (breeze) and Taufan (storm). His eldest daughter, of course, was named Megawati. Mega is a poetic reference to the beautiful array of colorful clouds motioning in the west at sunset.

My father, on the other hand, gave his children names from the Koran. My name, which literally means "better", was chosen in the hope that I would be better than the rest of his children.

As a well known ulema, my father was frequently requested to suggest names for children in our neighborhood. And he always suggested meaningful names imparting good behavior. His favorite names, besides the ones of the prophets, are Muchlis (sincerity), Amien (amen, the word you utter to end a prayer), Wahid (primary), Akbar (the great) and Habibie (wipe away that accusing look on your face! It is just a coincidence!).

Now, ladies and gentlemen, let's take a look at our presidential candidates and the top people among our political figures. As far as names are concerned, this country has nothing to worry about. First of all, we have Amien Rais heading the hierarchy of the People's Consultative Assembly that will elect the president. Bearing such a good name, he will hopefully not lead the Assembly in making the wrong choice, and will work to prevent dirty political machinations.

At the House of Representatives, we have Akbar Tandjung. This name guarantees greatness and a certain degree of power in making decisions.

The name Habibie (an Arabic word for "beloved"), if combined with the name of a prophet, say Jusuf, will hopefully insinuate the character traits of Jusuf, and the bearer will become the sweetheart of the people. Should he make it to the top job, we can depend on him to get support for development. After all, he is supposed to be loved by everybody.

Megawati, whose name denotes beauty and variation, would probably bring an entirely new color to the life of the people. She may combine the best brains from all components of the nation in her governance. This will minimize opposition and disappointment among political parties.

As for Abdurrahman "Gus Dur" Wahid, there is no doubt that he will embark on all-out effort to bring this nation to the forefront and return our long-lost national pride to where it belongs.

So, relax, folks. Whoever makes it to be the president, a bright future is ahead of us, providing that the bearers of the big names act the way their parents expected them to. If they do not, their names will fool the people like the names on the menu which duped the customers at the cafe.

-- Carl Chairul