Recognize your child's adolescence phase

By Donya Betancourt

SANUR, Bali (JP): One of the major life changes in children is adolescence. During this phase, parents play an important role in supporting and guiding their children's psychological changes.

Generally, there are three stages of development during adolescence. In each stage, parents play a different role.

Early adolescence occurs between the age of 10 and 14, middle adolescence between the age of 15 and 17 and late adolescence between the age of 18 and 20.

Clinically speaking, the adolescence period is referred to as an "identity crisis" where children face a new and ever changing physical and emotional identity. At this phase, they are learning the difference in the norms and values of their parents, their friends and their own. They are also developing self- responsibility. So, the adolescence phase is a search to find the real inner self. Some of adolescents struggle during this period but eventually reach maturity.

In early adolescence, the main changes are in their developing bodies. A girl faces these changes two years ahead of a boy so she can become acutely self-conscious about her body and worry about any defects such as freckles or acne.

A boy, however, is still a little boy. He is easily hurt when criticized and his emotions easily change. One minute he feels like a grown-up and wants to be treated like an adult, but the next moment he feels like a child and expect to be taken care of.

During this period, children often become ashamed of their parents, especially when they are with their friends. They want to be just like their friends and be totally accepted so they fear rejection if their parents are different from other the parents in the neighborhood. They also turn their parents away, which in turn makes them feel lonely and have a greater need to be supported by friends of the same age and sex. Consequently, they will spend a lot of time talking on the phone.

As parents, all you can do is understand that adolescents need and want guidance, no matter how much they protest and deny it. In fact, they often wish their parents would make rules for them, like their friends' parents do. They want their parents to be consistent, not too rigid or too loose, and they want the opportunity to discuss their feelings in an adult-to-adult discussion.

Middle adolescence, between the age of 15 and 17, is called a period of "dependence-independence". They reach sexual maturity and experience the conflicting emotions surrounding it when they encounter members of the opposite sex. They begin to understand abstract concepts and may question the judgment of adults. At this stage, they develop morals by watching their parents. If the parents are honest and sincere, the teenager will feel obligated to adhere to such values. But if they find any evidence of hypocrisy in their parents, they will not conform and will reproach their parents.

As parents, you have to be clear with your children while respecting them because teenagers do not like to be told what to do. They obey you because of their conscience and their respect for you -- not because you intimidate them. In fact, your teenager will be out of your sight most of the time. You should tell your child that you want to know where and with whom they are going and when you can expect them home. You can set an agreement on the time they should be home from parties and dates. Give them the reason that if any emergency arises, you would be able to reach them. Also when you are going out, you should tell your children where you are going and when you will be home for the same reasons. And if there is a change of plan, you should call home to explain. During this period, your need to provide guidance in independence and responsibilities increases.

In late adolescence, between the age of 18 and 20, most conflicts begin to subside. They have developed their own emotional, practical and moral identity. This is a period of personal identity, intimate relationships and emancipation.

As parents and adults, the sooner we recognize the signs of change in our children, the sooner we can respond to their needs and help them make the transition from children to adults as smoothly and comfortingly as possible.

The writer is a pediatrician based in Sanur, Bali. If you have any questions, please feel free to write to her. Her e-mail address is drdonya@hotmail.com or you can reach her through features@thejakartapost.com