Rearing for success?

Zakki P. Hakim, The Jakarta Post, Jakarta

Now, there is a growing phenomenon in which parents in big cities push their children into competition at a very young age. Though, the phenomenon is not yet considered overly alarming, it is useful to reflect on the situation and think about what children really need. This cover story highlights the issue.

On one hot Sunday afternoon, hundreds of parents and children of all ages packed a mall in Kelapa Gading to participate in various contests held by a parenting magazine and a local hospital, vying for the Rp 1 million in prize money.

Babies were crying while older children obviously looked uncomfortable with the large the crowd, including little girls with mini-skirts, tank tops and heavy makeup.

But the parents, however, seemed to be oblivious to the youngsters' noticeable anxiety.

The event was an example of how children at a very young age are made to endure such discomfort to fulfill the ambitions of their parents, or sometimes grandparents.

For example, Silvya, 2, had already enrolled in a three-day-a- week fun program in a play group.

Apparently, it was not enough for her grandmother.

The grandmother instructed Silvya's parents, Dessy and her husband, enroll the toddler in a vocal-training course on top of the play group.

"Initially we were a bit apprehensive, but grandma kept insisting on it, saying she would pay for the fees. We practically could not say no, she is my mother in-law. But we thought, it's OK as long as Silvya still sees that it's all fun and has enough time to play on her own," Dessy told The Jakarta Post.

Recently, there is a growing phenomenon in which children in big cities across the country have to live with the pressure of sometimes intense competition at a very young age.

Success for most parents means ensuring that their children are well-equipped enough to someday get a job with fat paychecks and benefits, therefore their beloved babies "must" be get into a top university to guarantee that success.

However, to get into a top university, children have a better chance if they first get into a top high school. And it goes all the way down to the top elementary schools, pre-schools and now playgroups, in which children as young as two have to undergo an intelligence test.

Unfortunately, parents will not likely stop there as they think the top schools are not enough. They make their children get into various other after-school activities: music lessons, dance lessons, religious classes, sports activities, not to mention private language courses like English or Mandarin.

National Commission for Children's Protection chairman Seto Mulyadi said it was understandable if parents wanted their children to be extraordinary.

But every child has a unique level of durability in absorbing a lesson or doing an activity, he added.

"One child has the capacity of a glass, the other may have the capacity of a bottle, while another's capacity is like a bucket. A glass has limited capacity to hold water, compared to a bucket, which will want more and more input. Recognize which one is your child," Seto added.

Nevertheless, Seto said it was alright to stimulate children in a certain direction or activity, but he reminded parents not to promise tangible rewards, such a expensive toys or clothes, as those would only be a temporary motivator.

Seto added that the best stimulation was for parents to set an example for their children, so they could imitate whatever their "idol" does.

"If the parents like to learn, the children will follow," he said.

Another stimulation was to provide an environment for children to develop themselves in accordance to their potential, he said.

"Give them intangible rewards as simple as a sincere smile. An 'internal reward' would grow into an internal motivation," he said.

Another thing is how are parents supposed to know what is best for their children?

"Parents should humble themselves in front of their children, respect them and listen to them," Seto said, adding that parents could actually feel what their children need if they opened themselves up.

He said parents should be able to clearly see when their children felt wary or uncomfortable with an activity, and thus should not force them further but explain to them that would be alright to take a break or even quit the activity.

Perhaps parents should remember what poet Kahlil Gibran once said: Your children are not your children/They come through you but not from you/You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth