Pushy parents: How much is too much?

Elaine, The Jakarta Post, Jakarta

Teenage rebellion is such a sore topic to discuss. Parents cringe at the thought of their little babies growing up to become stubborn, difficult individuals, while teenagers seem to glorify rebellion as the process that marks their passage toward independence. In other words, rebelling against one's parents is simply the trendy thing to do.

Before dismissing this issue as a mere phase, it is important we recognize the different kinds of manifestations or contexts of the concept of teenage rebellion. In many cases, parents are not the only victims, and teenagers are not always the culprits or the disrespectful ingrates.

I'm not interested in petty discussion about disagreements over fashion sense or music selection, because one's interests or tastes are inherently relative. A common but highly significant topic that often provokes parent-child feuds is none other than the career issue.

Although it is certainly understandable that all parents only want the best for their children, I am still puzzled by the insistence with which most parents force their children to blindly abide by their rules and/or definitions regarding which major, or which field of study, is more likely to generate massive amounts of cash.

A child can always smuggle a Sex Pistols record into their bedroom without their parents knowing about it, but it is impossible for one to continue pursuing one's passion if one's parents refuse to fund it. Parents are supposed to be loving guardian angels. Parents are not dictators, or are they?

My mother told me the other day about the response of most of her friends to my field of study.

"Wow! Your daughter studies at UC Berkeley? What is she studying? What? English? Oh... well... um..." Such conversations are usually followed by an awkward pause, before the jump to another topic.

I am fortunately blessed with an understanding and unconventionally progressive mother but up until this moment my father is still having a difficult time trying to reconcile my decision to pursue literature and my sister's decision to pursue film.

He would ask, "Why do both of you have to choose such strange hobbies?" It was a struggle trying to convince him to support my decision. It is still a struggle to keep on assuring him that what I'm doing is not completely useless and wasteful.

A friend of mine who is a double English and Business major once told me, "The English is for me, the Business is for my parents."

While my friend is lucky enough to be able to manage both, most kids aren't even allowed to consider the options.

I've also heard numerous stories about how kids rush into deciding their majors because their parents force them to, and end up performing badly.

A friend of mine often complained about how much she hated her business classes. She wanted to work in the U.S. but her parents wanted her to help out with their family business. It is as though kids are treated as financial assets. They need to be properly nurtured in order for their parents to reap the maximum amount of profit, a compensation for all the effort they put into raising a child.

It is not easy being a teenager these days. We are often undermined but we are also expected to achieve impossible goals. Perhaps it's the generation gap or the lack of communication that causes parents and children alike to misunderstand one another. In any case, both parties must not give up on each other. It is terribly frightening for a child not to feel support or encouragement from their own parents.

A rich business entrepreneur is not the only embodiment of success. How about critically acclaimed director or award-winning novelist, or perhaps even struggling but highly respected freedom-fighter?

Parental concern is natural but parental tyranny is not. Parents often forget that sooner or later their kids will develop their own sense of self, their own system of values, that could very well contradict their parents'.

This article does not strive to condemn authoritarian parents and romanticize suffering children because generalizations often lead to erroneous misconceptions.

I just discovered that the reason why my father was initially apprehensive toward my decision was because he couldn't grasp the idea of literature, not because he was convinced of the utter uselessness of the subject.

In spite of the debates that we had, I've never seriously thought of giving up trying to make him understand. Parents might be pushing their children too hard but children must also learn to push back. After all, the pressure is never too much as long as we still can manage to withstand it.

-- The writer, an Indonesian student at the University of California Berkeley, is an intern at The Jakarta Post.