Punishing not pleasant but sometimes a must

Donya Betancourt, Pediatrician, Sanur, Bali, drdonya@hotmail.com

How can you help your child master the impulses and feelings of aggressive behavior? The most important step you can take is to set firm, consistent limits. This will help them understand what is expected of them and what behavior is, and is not, permitted.

As part of setting firm, consistent limits, be sure that everyone who cares for your child agrees on the rules that are expected, as well as the guidelines for discipline when the child disobeys.

It is most important to be clear that whenever an important rule is broken, the child should be reprimanded immediately so that they understand exactly what has been done wrong. Your child needs to be given an understanding of being responsible for their own actions and learn to accept the consequences.

The parents' own temperament, mood and how they deal with daily pressures also plays a major role in how they interpret the child's behavior.

One of the best ways to teach your child nonviolence is to control your own temper. If you express your anger in quiet, peaceful ways, children will probably follow your example.

If you must punish your child, do not feel guilty about it and certainly don't apologize. If your child senses your doubt, the risk of the child losing the message is greatly increased. In fact, the child may interpret your doubt as a sign that you are the bad person.

While punishing your child is never pleasant, it is a necessary part of parenthood and there is no reason to feel guilty about it.

Easygoing parents may accept a wider range of behavior and be slower to consider something a problem, while parents who are by nature more stern typically move more quickly to discipline their children.

Things become a bit more confusing for a child if a parent is suffering from depression or parents that are experiencing marital or financial difficulties because these parents are less likely to tolerate any sign of errant behavior as they see it. Parents are not cut from the same cloth, consequently, differing styles of parenting determine how children are influenced in behavior and development. There is a large body of knowledge that believes parental use of physical punishment may play a direct role in the development of antisocial behavior in their children.

It's also important to help your child find ways to deal with anger without resorting to violence. Teach the child how to say no in a firm tone of voice, to turn and walk away and to seek compromise instead of fighting. Teach your child that settling differences with words is more effective and more civilized than with physical violence. Praise the child and compliment him or her for how "grown-up" they are for being civilized and not hitting, kicking, or biting.

It is very normal for youngsters to have occasional outbursts, especially during temper tantrums. Most children get angry at others only when they are provoked. Unless they are very tired or stressed, they can usually be distracted or consoled, and will quickly forget their anger. They may cry, argue or yell, but they resort to violence only when they are extremely frustrated.

Some children are very sensitive, easily offended and quickly angered. Many of these youngsters have been tense and unusually active since birth. They are often more difficult to soothe and settle as infants. Beginning in preschool years, they show signs of becoming violent toward other children, adults, and even animals. They often lash out suddenly and for no apparent reason, and may seem to be touchy or irritable most of the time. Even if they hurt someone in their anger, they are rarely sorry, and never feel responsible for the incident. Instead, they blame the other child for making them angry, as if this excuses their own actions.

Your child might go through a brief period of this kind of behavior if they are particularly worried, tired or stressed. But if it continues for more than a few weeks, consult your pediatrician. If it becomes a routine daily pattern for more than three to six months, it should be viewed as a serious problem.