Plastic packaging reaches new levels of impenetrability

Plastic packaging reaches new levels of impenetrability

Here's a simple message to critics of Indonesian manufactured
goods: Shut up!

OK, we all know of polycarbonate chairs that crumple after a
season in the sun, electric kettles that short circuit on the
third boil and greenstick furniture that warps.

But there's one local product that has achieved international
standards for toughness and can serve as a fine advertisement for
home-grown industrial skills.

Please stand and applaud: We're celebrating, of course,
plastic seals.

Impenetrable as the mind of a Javanese bureaucrat, more rugged
than the life of a becak driver, Indonesian plastic seals are the
Mercedes Benz of global consumer packaging.

Pity those outsiders who never come to grips with this
product's splendid durability and awesome resistance to assault.
Only stout lionhearts who have clawed down the dotted line on the
cap of a water bottle before succumbing to thirst can testify to
this great truth.

Forget having to pass a language examination; opening aqua is
the foremost test of cultural adaptability. As bule have been
genetically programmed against exhibiting patience and come from
soft, welfare-dependent societies, most foreigners fail.

It's a sad fate. Having flunked the plastic-peel challenge
they remain doomed to be outcasts forever, unable to realize the
abiding mysteries of Indonesian life.

It's true that some labels advise rejection of the product if
the seal is broken. That's an unnecessary warning; the seal can't
be broken even by the buyer without sacrificing a fingernail.
Right down to the quick. If there's blood on the bottle maybe
they've been successful.

It's the same with sachets. It doesn't matter whether they
contain coffee, candies or condoms. The contents may perish, but
never the wrapper.

Malicious manufacturers add to the consumer's grief by
printing tiny arrows on the packet indicating the best place to
tear. This is their little joke. Don't succumb to the
temptation; like the military's chain of command, the weak point
is always elsewhere.

Pull-tags on cartons of milk and orange juice and on tubs of
margarine are also attempts at factory humor. When these are
yanked off they reveal another far more durable skin beneath -
and no pull-tag. Funny, ya?

Force is foolish. So is seduction. Many men (usually in mixed
company) slap and tickle the membrane on water cups as though a
little foreplay will lower the defenses. But like good Sundanese
spinsters, Indonesian containers keep their virtue intact.

If you use your teeth to sever power cables you may be able to
bite open sachets. The reward is usually a mouthful of the
contents. Hair shampoo isn't a recommended lunch snack while
washing powder can get you frothy-mouthed. Literally. We won't
talk about the discomfort of gulping contraceptives.

To slash seals, the wise housekeeper includes in her or his
kitchen a samurai sword or pair of industrial-strength shears
(the type used for slicing roofing iron are best). But travellers
find such tools difficult to transport. Particularly on aircraft.

Appeals to carry a kris so you can assault the airline's
complementary plastic cup of mineral water will not be treated
sympathetically though security guards understand the problem.

They don't remove all sharp objects from passengers' baggage
to keep weapons off aircraft (as an intelligent reader of this
quality newspaper, you surely weren't misled by that public
relations reasoning?)

The confiscation policy is to ensure security staff meal rooms
are properly equipped with enough tools to open their
refreshments. After a hard day at the luggage ramp watching
moving X-ray pictures of ladies' underwear, you don't want to
spend lunch hours fighting plastic lids.

Some design wag has developed a plastic straw with an
allegedly sharp point to stab through the tops of water cups.
Foolish fellow! A woman wouldn't be so stupid. The lids can
deflect shrapnel. They're made of the same material as flak
jackets.

This article has not been written to mock. The author
recognizes plastic's major contribution to the economy
particularly in bookshops. Unemployment is down because extra
staff are hired to wrap the products. This is to prevent
potential buyers testing the publishers' florid back-cover blurbs
against the turgid text within.

This practice should be exported. Discerning readers, who
never judge a book by its cover, buy with confidence on the
quality of the wrapper. If the seal is absolutely tight and peep-
proof, you're getting a real virgin.

It's time for thirst-crazed, nail-torn consumers to fight
back, to demand the same quality in packaged foods as other
goods. If furniture can be given a veneer of varnish which strips
just as the table is set for a wedding party, why can't plastic
seals have the same short-term life?

The Deity designed easy-to-remove hygienic seals. Shells on
eggs, husks on coconut milk, skins on bananas -- all triumphs of
a benign Creation. These were copyrighted long before Noah built
his impervious ark. So why can't modern human technology compete?

--Duncan Graham