Parents must realize their role in educating children

Mochtar Buchori, Educator, Legislator, Jakarta

The classic maxim asserting that parents and teachers should cooperate in the education of the young is easier said than done. The complaint is that parents are either ignorant about this principle or unwilling to fulfill their due share. Sending children to schools means, for many parents, that from that time on education has become the sole responsibility of the school and the teachers.

This attitude among parents has an especially bitter taste in expensive schools. Here parents seem to assume the following attitude, "I paid you a big sum of money. Now do your job properly, and stop complaining to parents."

Most teachers feel hurt by this kind of attitude. They feel they are mere instruments in the educational mechanism. Teachers, however well paid, should never be looked upon as mere instruments and should never act like one. Teachers should, like parents, behave as the children's guardians. They must be viewed as partners of the parents, and not instruments of the school and the parents.

But many parents do not seem to take seriously the task of parenting. The practice of sending children to nursery schools at very early age is one such sign. It is as if these parents want to get rid of their parenting role as early as possible.

Such parents seem to forget that parenting is not merely having children born, as the Latin words parentem (i.e. one who produces) and parere (i.e.to produce) suggest. The serious part of parenting is guiding children in their growth towards adulthood, toward the stage at which they become able to make moral decisions regarding themselves and are responsible for their decisions.

Evidence abounds showing that the way parents discharge their part in educating the young determine the quality of the outcome. This is most visible in the affective growth of children. Whenever parents and teachers do cooperate in inculcating values in children, maturity in esthetic, social, and ethical realms is reached without much pain. But whenever such cooperation is lacking, maturity in understanding and respecting social, ethical, and esthetic norms is either retarded and ultimately achieved only after the child has undergone much pain and agony, or never achieved at all.

Observers say that in big cities and in urban communities the relationship between parents and teachers is one of instrumentalism. But in rural communities there is still partnership, no matter how little, between parents and teachers. The problem here is how to make parents aware of their role in educating their children, and how to make them willing to meet this role.

But because in many households fathers and mothers must work, what can be done? Every couple within each family must tailor their own answer.

There is, however, one common principle. Within their limited time, parents must show their deep affection and genuine interest in the present and future welfare of their children. And this must be done in ways that correspond to the needs and demands of the children at various stages of development. Showing interest and affection to a five-year-old child is one thing, but showing this parental virtue to an 18 or 20-year-old son or daughter is quite a different matter.

This means, among other things, that parents should never immerse themselves totally in their personal affairs. Career ambition should not be allowed to cloud their vision concerning their parental ambition. This is one of the essences of parenting. When you become a father and a mother, you must always remember that you no longer live for yourself. In the end, you also live for your children, especially during the early stages of their growth.

There are two problems. Firstly, do all parents have ambition with regard to the future of their children? Secondly, is it an ambition developed by the children themselves, or is it the ambition of the parents?

Lack of vision and ambition in the children's future is selfishness. Superimposing parental ambition on the children is called ego-extension, which is also selfishness. Selfish parents should not blame teachers if their children fail to meet their expectations. They only have themselves to blame.

It is only when parents and teachers fulfill their respective roles in the education of the young that we will be able to guide our children to become a meaningful part of their generation.