One-night stands: Harmless fun that can lead to trouble

JAKARTA: "Mita", a member of the marketing staff of a pharmaceutical company, was assigned to attend a five-day seminar in Paris.

At breakfast before the event started, the 30-year-old met Xavier. Married just six months, Mita thought her fellow seminar participant from Mexico was handsome but not as attractive as her husband.

"He did not interest me because I am used to meeting Caucasian men," she said.

The first three days of the seminar passed uneventfully. On the fourth day, Xavier invited Mita to Samaritan, the famous Parisian department store.

"He said he wanted to buy some souvenirs for his fiancee," Mita reminisced.

They later dropped in at a cafe and got to know each other better. Mita began to admire him more.

Arriving back at the hotel, Xavier suddenly clasped her hand. Mita did not resist. In the hotel lobby, Xavier pulled her into a corner and kissed her. Again, Mita let him do it.

They went to their separate rooms, but Mita heard a knock on her door later that night.

"Xavier was at the door, wearing pajamas with the shirt unbuttoned," Mita reminisced of a time when she forgot about her husband at home. "I myself was only wearing my T-shirt, without a skirt. I was taken aback for a while but finally found myself in bed with him. We made love until the next morning.

"The next day we stayed away from the seminar. We locked ourselves in the room the whole day, making love, ordering food and taking a bath together."

She realized that their love affair was absent of emotional ties. The next day, they said their goodbyes and headed home.

"He only gave me a kiss in the lobby and promised me nothing. I was then convinced that there would be no continuation of this relationship. I did write a letter to him some time later but it went unanswered."

She has never told her husband about her infidelity.

To conventional people, the thought of a one-night stand may be strictly off-limits in their lives. To others, a fling with a new acquaintance is nothing new.

Hollywood scenarios are rife with characters hopping in and out of bed. While casual relationships may be common in the West, Indonesians are still reticent about owning up to sleeping around.

According to "Rori", 32, an executive in a U.S. oil company, one-night stands are commonly discussed in his male-dominated work environment. He returned to Indonesia in 1996 after studying and working in the States for 10 years, and Rori said he did not know for certain when casual sex became common in his homeland.

"When I returned to Indonesia in 1996, many of my friends were in the habit of indulging in one-night stands," he said, admitting he had also had the affairs.

"Doddy", 29, said he had noncommittal sex while still a university student in Boston. Upon returning to Indonesia in 1994, he was a little surprised to find that many of his friends did the same.

"Anita", who works in a property marketing company where a lot of expatriates are employed, believed one-night stands were common among employees of multinational companies.

"We usually go to discotheques and it is really up to us to get partners there," said the 27-year-old who has often dated Caucasian men.

An executive in a foreign company, "Ririn", 28, said she had group of fellow revelers who believed money was no object when it came to eating well and staying in good hotels.

"We really have a good time and enjoy ourselves when we are together, eating and drinking. Then when our gathering is over, it is up to anybody to sleep with anybody else. It is no bother. Most of us practice one-night stands."

But she avowed that she was the exception in refusing to sleep with acquaintances.

Most people said they had their first one-night stands abroad.

Doddy's first time was with an Indonesian girl he met at a party in the U.S. Rori revealed he experienced it with a Malaysian girl living in an apartment next to his. Both said they were initially driven by curiosity.

There are other reasons. "Tetty", 28, said she tried it because of her apartment mates' habits of changing habits. "Mediana", 24, told of setting out to "gain control" over an apparently gay man who gazed at her in a bar.

Obviously, influences some people experience abroad, particularly in the U.S., play a part in their sexual experimentation. Working in a foreign company here can provide the same influences.

"Mirza", 29, slept with a colleague in a leading advertising company. She often worked closely with him on projects.

"Because of being together often, we became attracted to each other and slept together."

Rori said he was usually introduced to potential sexual conquests by other friends. Mediana complained it was hard to find the right man.

"Men are too emotional here. After a few kisses, they may ask you if you want to be their love," she said, adding that the sentimental approach caused her to lose her "passion".

Do one-night stands happen only between new acquaintances? Mirza disagreed, saying that would be just like the relationship of a prostitute and client.

Rori said cultural factors made it better for people here to get to know each other first before having a sexual dalliance.

Possibilities for one-night stands can be discovered anywhere, but especially in upmarket cafes.

Willing partners may be found on the Internet. There are a number of homepages in Indonesia for the purpose. The mIRC program for chatting on the Internet, for example, opens up the opportunities.

Matchmaking telephone clubs, usually advertising in Sunday newspaper, may also be good hunting grounds.

Nevertheless, many prefer to find partners from among known acquaintances for fear of contracting a sexually transmitted disease (STD).

According to Dr. Boyke Dian Nugraha, a gynecologist and observer of lifestyles in the capital city, one-night stands usually begins with mutual attraction, which is different from sex with prostitutes driven only by sexual urges.

He described one-night stands as a new trend in heterosexual relationship, and said more people were trying them out.

But he cautioned that many Indonesian women were not really emotionally ready for nonbinding sexual flings. He said women would usually demand more from her sexual partner from their relationship, especially if one or both of them are married.

In such cases, he warned, a one-night stand may end up as more trouble than fun.

- The article is from the November edition of Tiara lifestyle monthly. It is printed here courtesy of Tiara.