On the lookout for what lies beneath and ahead

It's that time of the year again when we gaze long and hard at our crystal ball, trying to make a bit of sense out of our fuzzy futures. While there is no guarantee that any of the following will come true (in fact, absolutely none whatsoever), stranger things have happened. You've been warned.

* January: It's a new year, and a new day, and Jakarta residents steel themselves for all the fun that lies ahead. Attendance at Friday prayers and Sunday mass reported to be higher than ever.

* February: As predicted, massive flooding hits the city, somehow catching the local government off guard. But in a stroke of something, the administration unveils a bold new plan to convert the worst afflicted areas into one giant water park, with gondola rides, dolphin shows, jetski races -- the water works. A 322- strong contingent of city officials and dependents heads to Venice for a three-month field study to explore the options, and Kevin Costner is hired as a consultant for the project, dubbed "Waterworld II". Meanwhile, residents from the submerged areas are temporarily sheltered on the sites of 2003's mass evictions.

* March: "Drill dance" queen Inul Daratista launches a range of fitness VCDs, based on her trademark stage gyration, with modified versions for kids (with spokesperson Tina "I'm healthy, really" Toon) and the elderly (aided by the preternaturally unwrinkled Titiek Puspa). Two weeks later, hospital emergency rooms across the country report being swamped with cases of slipped discs, pelvic strains and pulled hamstrings. Dangdut king Rhoma Irama says, "I told you so".

* April: To cope with mounting traffic problems, three-in-one hours are moved back once again, this time from 4 a.m. to 10 p.m. The administration advises offices to consider flexi hours or outsourcing to, say, Bangalore. Batches of three-in-one jockeys brought in from the regions to cope with demand.

* May: Certain legislator (crystal ball got real fuzzy right here) kicks off his "Alternative Robin Hood" platform, taking from the poor and giving to the rich. Costner, still in town for the yet-to-be completed Waterworld II, is hired as a political adviser and spokesperson.

* June: A group of legislators launches a campaign to stamp out the word korupsi, arguing it is overused, un-Indonesian and not in keeping with Eastern values. They suggest it be replaced with the cryptic sounding "padakai", which they claim is derived from Sanskrit. It later turns out to be short for pakai aja dulu, akan dikembalikan kalau aku ingat (use it in advance, I'll return it if I remember).

* July: Indonesia's first gossip-only 24-hour TV channel -- dishing the dirt every minute of the day -- debuts.

* August: Olympics. No, we're not going to touch that.

* September: Much acclaimed film Arisan, a snapshot of the shallow lives of Jakarta's well-heeled pretty young things, makes its international debut, stunning foreign audiences not used to seeing anything Indonesian other than sepia-toned cinematic images of arid, windswept islands and their smiling and/or brooding residents. Minor diplomatic incident when lead actress Cut Mini loses it with umpteenth foreign interviewer who pronounces her first name as in "cut above", and asks her if her mother had a thing for compact British cars.

* October: City approves Rp 1.1 billion budget for on-the-job training -- including learning a smattering of phrases of foreign languages -- for three-in-one jockeys, as well as an easy-pay tax system. "They're small people, but they're the first to pay up," one official says.

* November: With nary an announcement, the busway project is scrapped. The third lane is now reserved for herb gardens, part of the city administration's push for more alternative therapy options as decrepit public hospitals make way for a few more spanking new supermalls.

* December: With the Bantar Gebang garbage site a thing of the past, the administration announces that the National Monument (Monas) park will serve as a temporary site. It's pointed out that garbage makes an alternative food source for the herd of deer, and for the rare Madagascan star-nosed rat brought in as another exotic animal attraction. Reports surface later in the month that aforesaid foreign visitor has bred with local counterparts, creating a super hybrid species that devours the garbage, as well as small animals and children, if given the chance.

-- Broto Dharma