No Other Choic

No Other Choic

By Siti Nurhayati

I was holding the letter tight, as if in a dream.

Incredulous, I read it again.

"Look, your dad has no other choice," it read. "I have to
divorce your mother. This is the best way, for me, and, perhaps
for your mom, too. All this must be ended before it is too late
and gets worse. Unless I divorce your mom, there will be
disaster ... "

I couldn't continue reading. Something pierced my heart, a
bitter memory of how my boyfriend left me a few years go.

He got married, secretly, to my close friend.

I went through dark and painful days. Time moved very slowly,
if at all.

I could never understand how my dad had the heart to divorce
my mom. I couldn't detect anything leading to this separation.

Dad was the essence of a good husband: full of responsibility,
and devoted to his family.

My brother and I respected him very much.

He taught us how to live modestly, and how to love others. He
also taught us how to maintain harmony and peace. In our eyes, he
had all the qualities of an angel.

He often gave us spiritual encouragement when we were feeling
low. But after this letter? He was suddenly just like any
ordinary man: very fond of his power, giving free rein to his
desires, oppressing the weak, and hurting the feelings of women.

How my mom should be pitied. How unlucky she was.

Mom was the figure of a woman who could brave all kinds of
trouble. She fought hard to ensure a better future for us. Thanks
to her hard work, my brother and I were able to study at the
university.

We knew she earned more money than my dad, but that did not
necessarily mean that my dad played a smaller role in our
upbringing.

My mother's face flashed before me. A smiling face. A face
always beaming with hospitality. Despite her middle age, she was
beautiful. Her curly hair cut a shoulder length, she looked
younger than her years. She was graceful.

***

As the oldest child, I was very close to both of my parents. I
was involved in the family's affairs. Any time my parents made an
important decision affecting the family, they would ask my
opinion.

Strangely, this time my dad did not ask for my opinion. So
suddenly, he made his decision to divorce my mom.

Was it because it was a private matter? After all, a divorce
involves the children, too, doesn't it?

It is often the case that it is the children who must bear the
emotional brunt when their parents separate. Or, perhaps dad did
not ask for my opinion out of fear that I would oppose it?

Whatever my his reasoning, I did not agree with dad's decision
to divorce mom.

I thought this decision was groundless. To ensure that our
family would stay intact, I found it hard to imagine us crumbling
as our parents went their separate ways. I knew my mom's heart
would be torn to pieces if she was divorced.

I felt a sudden urge to come home as quickly as possible so
that I could discuss this with my father.

Unfortunately, I first had to take an exam and could not go
home until the week after. I only hoped that my dad would not
alert my brother to his idea.

If he heard the news, my brother would be unable to
concentrate on his studies. Above all, I believed I could pre-
empt my dad's decision.

***

One evening, I got a call at my boarding house. I thought it
was from my father or my brother.

Mom rarely called me.

I was right. It was Andi, my brother, on the other end. "Three
days ago dad came to see me and said he wanted to divorce mom.
Has he told you about it?"

I was shocked. Andi had learned of this divorce plan, directly
from my father. So it was proof that dad did not have to courage
to see me. He only wrote me a letter.

"Are you sure, Andi? Dad may be just kidding, you know?" I
said, feigning ignorance.

"Of course. Dad was dead serious when he told me this plan."

"Still, I don't believe him. He must be lying. Don't you
remember that dad is very fond of cracking jokes?"

There was silence for a few seconds. Andi might be thinking of
ways to convince me.

"Let's say this is true, what do you think, then? You could
have prevented him, you know?" I said, trying to get his opinion.

"What for? If dad plans to divorce mom, let him do it. This is
the best way for him ... "

Hearing this, I began to feel my heart racing.

I did not realize it when Andi had hung up.

I felt weak all over. I found it hard to imagine what my
family would be like in future. I thought Andi could help
discourage dad from going forward, but he told me plainly that it
was all right for dad to divorce mom.

***

It was a bright, sunny morning.

Andi was still in bed. He had watched TV until into the early
morning. Dad was in the front yard, pruning the trees.

It had always been dad who took care of our small garden. Mom
had never had the time.

Oh, mom, I thought to myself, where have you been? Something
was moving deep inside me.

"Risti," dad called me. I saw dad sitting now on the terrace.
I thought he wanted to talk about his plan to divorce mom. I
hurried to see him.

"I hope you can understand my decision," he said, flatly,
staring off into the distance.

I saw an expression of a heavy burden in his face.

"I have been very patient all of these years. I have gotten
used to living alone, and taking care of this household. Your mom
is rarely home," he continued.

"I know she is the source of money for our family, but that
doesn't mean I'm really penniless. I can afford to send you to
school, even to the university -- I can afford to support the
whole family if we all live modestly; if you can curb your
worldly desires, you will always feel there's something lacking
in your life," he said, still very softly.

It passed through my mind that mom was only ever home for a
few days between trips that would last weeks, or even months, on
end. For her, the house was nothing more than some kind of train
station, or bus terminal.

"Have you discussed this with mom, dad?" I asked.

"Yes. Your mom insists on leading the life she has been living
until now. She would like to make as much money as possible.

"She behaves as if I am useless and cannot support you at all.
You know, happiness does not lie in riches, but in how we are
spiritually and physically satisfied. You know all these years
I've been very lonely. Very, very lonely ..."

I saw the tears begin to well in his eyes.

"So do you agree with me?" he asked. His face was suddenly
expressionless.

I was quiet for some time.

Then I nodded slowly. I hugged dad tightly, very closely and I
cried.

Translated by Lie Hua