No Other Choic

By Siti Nurhayati

I was holding the letter tight, as if in a dream.

Incredulous, I read it again.

"Look, your dad has no other choice," it read. "I have to divorce your mother. This is the best way, for me, and, perhaps for your mom, too. All this must be ended before it is too late and gets worse. Unless I divorce your mom, there will be disaster ... "

I couldn't continue reading. Something pierced my heart, a bitter memory of how my boyfriend left me a few years go.

He got married, secretly, to my close friend.

I went through dark and painful days. Time moved very slowly, if at all.

I could never understand how my dad had the heart to divorce my mom. I couldn't detect anything leading to this separation.

Dad was the essence of a good husband: full of responsibility, and devoted to his family.

My brother and I respected him very much.

He taught us how to live modestly, and how to love others. He also taught us how to maintain harmony and peace. In our eyes, he had all the qualities of an angel.

He often gave us spiritual encouragement when we were feeling low. But after this letter? He was suddenly just like any ordinary man: very fond of his power, giving free rein to his desires, oppressing the weak, and hurting the feelings of women.

How my mom should be pitied. How unlucky she was.

Mom was the figure of a woman who could brave all kinds of trouble. She fought hard to ensure a better future for us. Thanks to her hard work, my brother and I were able to study at the university.

We knew she earned more money than my dad, but that did not necessarily mean that my dad played a smaller role in our upbringing.

My mother's face flashed before me. A smiling face. A face always beaming with hospitality. Despite her middle age, she was beautiful. Her curly hair cut a shoulder length, she looked younger than her years. She was graceful.

***

As the oldest child, I was very close to both of my parents. I was involved in the family's affairs. Any time my parents made an important decision affecting the family, they would ask my opinion.

Strangely, this time my dad did not ask for my opinion. So suddenly, he made his decision to divorce my mom.

Was it because it was a private matter? After all, a divorce involves the children, too, doesn't it?

It is often the case that it is the children who must bear the emotional brunt when their parents separate. Or, perhaps dad did not ask for my opinion out of fear that I would oppose it?

Whatever my his reasoning, I did not agree with dad's decision to divorce mom.

I thought this decision was groundless. To ensure that our family would stay intact, I found it hard to imagine us crumbling as our parents went their separate ways. I knew my mom's heart would be torn to pieces if she was divorced.

I felt a sudden urge to come home as quickly as possible so that I could discuss this with my father.

Unfortunately, I first had to take an exam and could not go home until the week after. I only hoped that my dad would not alert my brother to his idea.

If he heard the news, my brother would be unable to concentrate on his studies. Above all, I believed I could pre- empt my dad's decision.

***

One evening, I got a call at my boarding house. I thought it was from my father or my brother.

Mom rarely called me.

I was right. It was Andi, my brother, on the other end. "Three days ago dad came to see me and said he wanted to divorce mom. Has he told you about it?"

I was shocked. Andi had learned of this divorce plan, directly from my father. So it was proof that dad did not have to courage to see me. He only wrote me a letter.

"Are you sure, Andi? Dad may be just kidding, you know?" I said, feigning ignorance.

"Of course. Dad was dead serious when he told me this plan."

"Still, I don't believe him. He must be lying. Don't you remember that dad is very fond of cracking jokes?"

There was silence for a few seconds. Andi might be thinking of ways to convince me.

"Let's say this is true, what do you think, then? You could have prevented him, you know?" I said, trying to get his opinion.

"What for? If dad plans to divorce mom, let him do it. This is the best way for him ... "

Hearing this, I began to feel my heart racing.

I did not realize it when Andi had hung up.

I felt weak all over. I found it hard to imagine what my family would be like in future. I thought Andi could help discourage dad from going forward, but he told me plainly that it was all right for dad to divorce mom.

***

It was a bright, sunny morning.

Andi was still in bed. He had watched TV until into the early morning. Dad was in the front yard, pruning the trees.

It had always been dad who took care of our small garden. Mom had never had the time.

Oh, mom, I thought to myself, where have you been? Something was moving deep inside me.

"Risti," dad called me. I saw dad sitting now on the terrace. I thought he wanted to talk about his plan to divorce mom. I hurried to see him.

"I hope you can understand my decision," he said, flatly, staring off into the distance.

I saw an expression of a heavy burden in his face.

"I have been very patient all of these years. I have gotten used to living alone, and taking care of this household. Your mom is rarely home," he continued.

"I know she is the source of money for our family, but that doesn't mean I'm really penniless. I can afford to send you to school, even to the university -- I can afford to support the whole family if we all live modestly; if you can curb your worldly desires, you will always feel there's something lacking in your life," he said, still very softly.

It passed through my mind that mom was only ever home for a few days between trips that would last weeks, or even months, on end. For her, the house was nothing more than some kind of train station, or bus terminal.

"Have you discussed this with mom, dad?" I asked.

"Yes. Your mom insists on leading the life she has been living until now. She would like to make as much money as possible.

"She behaves as if I am useless and cannot support you at all. You know, happiness does not lie in riches, but in how we are spiritually and physically satisfied. You know all these years I've been very lonely. Very, very lonely ..."

I saw the tears begin to well in his eyes.

"So do you agree with me?" he asked. His face was suddenly expressionless.

I was quiet for some time.

Then I nodded slowly. I hugged dad tightly, very closely and I cried.

Translated by Lie Hua