No B.A.T.S. in the belfry after dark in the Shangri-La

'Twas a Wednesday and your's truly was feeling decidedly frisky.

Well, I mean, why not? Not only had Soddem Insane's final defenses been penetrated by Messrs Bumsfelt and Spanks, but even better, the esteemed leader of the brethren in the white coats had decided to go AWOL somewhere on the road to Baghdad, much to the chagrin of the Jakarta police.

All of which has come as a decided relief to taverners here in the big smoke after a couple of months in the depths of a very deep depression indeed.

So, given the return of normality and sanity, until the next outbreak of madness, that is, what better way to celebrate than checking out one of those raunchy hotel bars that have been for so long a feature of Jakarta nightlife.

And they don't come much raunchier than B.A.T.S, deep down in the dungeons under the Shangri-La Hotel.

Not having set foot in the joint since long before the rise of the Soddemites in this part of the world, I really wanted to see whether things were really back to normal in what may be regarded as something of a barometer of the Jakarta pub scene.

Well, that's if you can believe Jakarta Kini, a poll of whose erudite readers would have us believe it's the best Music Bar in Jakarta. OK, the music is good, produced as it is by a crew calling themselves Shades Band imported all the way from the snowy wastes of Canada (where people have to learn to sing at an early age in case they get stuck in a snow drift or an igloo, or something). But the best? Dunno about thaaat!

As far as design goes, this is truly a strange amalgam of concepts: post-industrial, Mexican hacienda, German bierkeller and a tilt toward the London Underground -- all very confusing.

After passing through the well-guarded portal -- they've even got a walk-through metal detector -- the first item of interest is the pub on your left, which was as empty on the evening of my visit as one of ol' Soddems palaces after a flying visit from the Kurds.

A quick glance around, and then it's off to the main attraction, the big cellar way down below in the bowels of the earth, which was pretty crowded that particular evening, but not so much so as to be uncomfortable -- would imagine the weekends are something else again.

As for ambience, as in so many similar establishments -- basically not much different from glorified Blok M knocking shops -- farmyard frolics seem once again to be the order of the day.

Having migrated from colder climes in search of mates, large gaggles of males from the Expatriatus desperatis sub-species were to be seen perched all around the bar, quaffing down enormous quantities of amber-colored liquid while performing mating dances to catch the eye of the clucking hens from the Orientala everwillingus sub-species, most of whom seemed to be of the plump, oven-ready and readily pluckable variety.

Both male and female fowl also seemed, like your's truly, to be a bit long in the tooth. It could be the dim lighting, but I'm pretty sure some were positively sprouting fangs!

Despite the frigid air-conditioning, expansive and revealing decolletage seems to be very much de rigueur in B.A.T.S., bringing to mind that old British TV show starring Leonard Rossiter, Never mind the quality, fell the width.

Strangely for these parts, the males actually seemed to outnumber the females, a phenomenon possibly produced by the Rp 60,000 cover charge (which gives you a drink at the bar).

As far as the damage to the wallet is concerned, a glass of Bintang is going for Rp 39,000, while imported beers -- Corona, Miller, Fosters, Budweiser, Tiger or Heineken -- are all priced at Rp 60,000.

They've also got a fairly extensive selection of wines, although be prepared to mortgage the hovel if you fancy some of the more drinkable plonk.

On the food front, there's a fairly good menu, including such delights as the 440 gram U.S. Beef Tenderloin for Rp 360,000, or the Aussie Double Lamb Chops for Rp 150,000.

There's also "snacks", which are in fact every bit as big and as daunting as the a la carte fare, including B.A.T.S.'s Wing Tower for two people, a combo of Dixie, Jack Daniels and Balinese Chicken Wings with ranch dressing (Rp 95,000), and the beast that goes by the name of B.A.T.S.'s Mexican Tower for two people, which consists of quesadillas, chicken chimchangas and nachos served with spicy tomato salsa and sour cream.

This latter offering is so hot it would be enough to have ol' Pancho Villa himself spouting flames -- surely not some cunning plot to keep Expatriatus desperatis slurping thirstily at the trough?

It's happy hour from 5 p.m. until 8 p.m. when you're given a coupon for every drink you buy entitling you to another one. In a sneaky, underhand move, the B.A.T.S. management have instituted a draconian ordinance whereby the coupons are only valid until 9 p.m. -- thus thwarting the likes of your's truly, greedy folks who have a penchant for ordering a few dozen bevvies just before the bell rings.

As I mentioned above, the cover charge is Rp 60,000, but this only comes into effect after 9 p.m.

B.A.T.S. at the Shangri-La, Kota BNI, Jl. Jend Sudirman Kav. 1, Jakarta 10220. You can call them on (021) 5707440. All food prices quoted above are exclusive of 10 percent tax and a 10 percent service charge, while the beverage prices quoted above include 10 percent tax, but not the 10 percent service charge. All major credit cards accepted.

--Bill Blade