Nighttime parenting, a cornerstone of a healthy attachment

Pauline Davis, Contributor, Jakarta, paulined@optushome.com.au

In a world of exponentially increasing change, some of the most valuable truths go back to the beginning of human existence: As humans we need to feel loved and safe.

For babies and young children it is an issue of survival. In traditional Indonesian society, it is natural to have a newborn baby share the family bed but, increasingly, modern Indonesian practices seem to be following the West where parents are encouraged to move their babies and young children out of the family bed to sleep on their own.

As parents we receive so much advice. While some is helpful and indeed cherished, much of it ranges from unwanted, to advice that could have negative consequences for our children. Some child care experts, mostly American (men), advocate complicated regimes where the baby is left to cry in their bed for increasing periods until they get resigned to being left on their own.

Surprisingly, many parents try this, with varying results.

One of the first questions asked of many new parents is: "Is your baby good", meaning does the baby sleep through the night.

Sleep is one of the most contentious issues in baby-rearing where cultural expectations and reality from a baby's perspective seem to conflict more than in any other issue. This is tied closely to breastfeeding issues.

Baby knows best From the first moment I looked into the deep, wise eyes of my son, I knew he was the one who really knew moment to moment what he needed.

He was the "child care expert" in this relationship. Trusting his cues made such a difference to my parenting, and the connections that built fostered empathy and a happy and cooperative relationship. My daughter has also benefited from these realizations.

Our expectations make a significant difference in how we cope with interrupted sleep. If we feel it is normal mothering to be woken several times a night and expect broken sleep, it seems less disturbing when it happens and thus it is easier for us to drift back to sleep.

A quiet, gentle environment with low lights is more likely to settle both baby and mother.

Many studies indicate how significant the quality of the early relationships we form with our mother and father contribute to the development of our inner strength and happiness.

Feeling secure and being quickly responded to at night, as well as during the day is an important way to build a close, trusting relationship where the baby, knowing its cues will be understood, feels more connected.

It is empowering to know you truly understand your baby better than anyone else. Feeling this connection really made an enormous difference to how confident and calm I felt as a parent, and how much I enjoyed my children's company.

I was secure in the knowledge that the good feelings between us would help work out any differences in expectations that might arise throughout the child rearing years. Being right there to breastfeed or cuddle your baby strengthens the reciprocal bonding and feelings of contentment.

Co-sleeping Whether your baby sleeps with you or in their own bed, parents need to acknowledge the importance of a safe sleeping environment.

Even though researchers have proven that co-sleeping is the safer alternative that lowers the chances of sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS, also known as "cot death") for example, it is still important to ensure the baby cannot fall out of the bed, or between mattresses or safety rails.

Some useful safety hints include having mattresses on the floor, using a guard rail similar to those used to keep toddlers from falling out of their bed, pushing the bed securely against the wall, or connecting a bed or sturdy three-sided cot to your bed. Make sure there are no crevices that could entrap the baby. Waterbeds are too soft and not recommended.

It is advised that pillows and soft blankets not be used near the baby's face and that baby sleeps on his back. Most importantly, parents should not have the baby in the family bed if they are under the influence of drugs or alcohol, as that factor is the major contributor to almost all cases reported of overlaying.

Having a baby is a huge adjustment, whether they sleep with you, or in their own bed. Your sleep will be compromised whatever you do, so it is vital to think carefully about your options. Brainstorm with members of your household and work out what will meet your family's needs the best while always empathizing with what you feel the baby would want.

Expert advice Katherine A. Dettwyler, Ph.D. Professor of Anthropology and winner of the Margaret Mead Award from the American Anthropological Association, states:

"Human children are designed to be sleeping with their parents. The sense of touch is the most important sense to primates, along with sight. Young primates are carried on their mother's body and sleep with her for years after birth, often until well after weaning.

"The expected pattern is for mother and child to sleep together, and for child to be able to nurse whenever they want during the night."

Throughout human history, mothers have found that sleeping with their infants was the obvious thing to do, producing an adaptive system that attuned the mother and baby's sleep physiology, their heart rate and sleep rhythms. It thus is in our nature to prefer to sleep with someone.

Sharing your bed with your baby can be a joyous experience. Some of my most treasured memories of early parenting involve the times when I drifted out of sleep in the morning and opened my eyes to be greeted with the vision of my baby's face, sleeping peacefully and contentedly beside me.

My son's look of love would simply radiate from him and reflected back to me that sense of "wellness".

Another pleasant memory I have is the noises my baby made during sleep.

To hear him gurgling in his sleep was simply a delight. I felt that the parenting when I slept with my baby was some of the easiest, yet most valuable, times we shared.

I enjoyed the benefit of co-sleeping by receiving higher- quality sleep when not fully woken during the night and feeling connected and confident that I was there to protect my child.

I didn't worry about him being warm enough, or breathing clearly. The fear of SIDS can be very stressful for some people. To me, it seemed very calming to be next to my baby and simply put my hand on his chest if he seemed disturbed.

Our babies enjoy our protection, our emotional reassurance, and knowing their source of food and comfort is there beside them. It just feels "right" to them.

Nighttime feeding Nighttime feeds are easy when you are co-sleeping with your baby. You simply roll over and breastfeed as the baby starts to wake and nuzzle up to you, in search of the breast.

The baby trusts you are there and has no reason to feel disturbed or cry. Michel Odent, in his book "Primal Health" writes:

"In the dark, the baby's predominant sense, sight, is at rest. Instead, the baby needs to use its sense of touch through skin-to-skin contact and its sense of smell."

As an experienced co-sleeping parent, I can honestly say it was very rare for either of us to fully awaken. It is a particularly satisfying way to connect after a busy day, especially for parents who work as they can deepen their connection during the night.

Before deciding how to respond to my children as toddlers and now as children in their middle years, I would ask myself whether this reaction will build love and trust in our relationship, or reduce it. That to me is more important that almost any issue we dealt with day to day.

Trusting that they were not trying to manipulate me when they cried or requested my attention, but truly had needs that needed to be met, was a cornerstone of my mothering.

Now that my first child is taller and stronger than I, and my daughter is approaching adolescence, I feel the foundations that continued through childhood are particularly cherished.

Fostering an easier transition from the womb to the family bed and co-sleeping, helps establish a connection to enable feelings of security, love and self-respect. This forms the basis for the child to grow up feeling secure, loved, and welcome in this world.