Nighttime parenting, a cornerstone of a healthy attachment
Nighttime parenting, a cornerstone of a healthy attachment
Pauline Davis, Contributor, Jakarta, paulined@optushome.com.au
In a world of exponentially increasing change, some of the most
valuable truths go back to the beginning of human existence: As
humans we need to feel loved and safe.
For babies and young children it is an issue of survival. In
traditional Indonesian society, it is natural to have a newborn
baby share the family bed but, increasingly, modern Indonesian
practices seem to be following the West where parents are
encouraged to move their babies and young children out of the
family bed to sleep on their own.
As parents we receive so much advice. While some is helpful
and indeed cherished, much of it ranges from unwanted, to advice
that could have negative consequences for our children. Some
child care experts, mostly American (men), advocate complicated
regimes where the baby is left to cry in their bed for increasing
periods until they get resigned to being left on their own.
Surprisingly, many parents try this, with varying results.
One of the first questions asked of many new parents is: "Is
your baby good", meaning does the baby sleep through the night.
Sleep is one of the most contentious issues in baby-rearing
where cultural expectations and reality from a baby's perspective
seem to conflict more than in any other issue. This is tied
closely to breastfeeding issues.
Baby knows best
From the first moment I looked into the deep, wise eyes of my
son, I knew he was the one who really knew moment to moment what
he needed.
He was the "child care expert" in this relationship. Trusting
his cues made such a difference to my parenting, and the
connections that built fostered empathy and a happy and
cooperative relationship. My daughter has also benefited from
these realizations.
Our expectations make a significant difference in how we cope
with interrupted sleep. If we feel it is normal mothering to be
woken several times a night and expect broken sleep, it seems
less disturbing when it happens and thus it is easier for us to
drift back to sleep.
A quiet, gentle environment with low lights is more likely to
settle both baby and mother.
Many studies indicate how significant the quality of the early
relationships we form with our mother and father contribute to
the development of our inner strength and happiness.
Feeling secure and being quickly responded to at night, as
well as during the day is an important way to build a close,
trusting relationship where the baby, knowing its cues will be
understood, feels more connected.
It is empowering to know you truly understand your baby better
than anyone else. Feeling this connection really made an enormous
difference to how confident and calm I felt as a parent, and how
much I enjoyed my children's company.
I was secure in the knowledge that the good feelings between
us would help work out any differences in expectations that might
arise throughout the child rearing years. Being right there to
breastfeed or cuddle your baby strengthens the reciprocal bonding
and feelings of contentment.
Co-sleeping
Whether your baby sleeps with you or in their own bed, parents
need to acknowledge the importance of a safe sleeping
environment.
Even though researchers have proven that co-sleeping is the
safer alternative that lowers the chances of sudden infant death
syndrome (SIDS, also known as "cot death") for example, it is
still important to ensure the baby cannot fall out of the bed, or
between mattresses or safety rails.
Some useful safety hints include having mattresses on the
floor, using a guard rail similar to those used to keep toddlers
from falling out of their bed, pushing the bed securely against
the wall, or connecting a bed or sturdy three-sided cot to your
bed. Make sure there are no crevices that could entrap the baby.
Waterbeds are too soft and not recommended.
It is advised that pillows and soft blankets not be used near
the baby's face and that baby sleeps on his back. Most
importantly, parents should not have the baby in the family bed
if they are under the influence of drugs or alcohol, as that
factor is the major contributor to almost all cases reported of
overlaying.
Having a baby is a huge adjustment, whether they sleep with
you, or in their own bed. Your sleep will be compromised
whatever you do, so it is vital to think carefully about your
options. Brainstorm with members of your household and work out
what will meet your family's needs the best while always
empathizing with what you feel the baby would want.
Expert advice
Katherine A. Dettwyler, Ph.D. Professor of Anthropology and
winner of the Margaret Mead Award from the American
Anthropological Association, states:
"Human children are designed to be sleeping with their
parents. The sense of touch is the most important sense to
primates, along with sight. Young primates are carried on their
mother's body and sleep with her for years after birth, often
until well after weaning.
"The expected pattern is for mother and child to sleep
together, and for child to be able to nurse whenever they want
during the night."
Throughout human history, mothers have found that sleeping
with their infants was the obvious thing to do, producing an
adaptive system that attuned the mother and baby's sleep
physiology, their heart rate and sleep rhythms. It thus is in
our nature to prefer to sleep with someone.
Sharing your bed with your baby can be a joyous experience.
Some of my most treasured memories of early parenting involve the
times when I drifted out of sleep in the morning and opened my
eyes to be greeted with the vision of my baby's face, sleeping
peacefully and contentedly beside me.
My son's look of love would simply radiate from him and
reflected back to me that sense of "wellness".
Another pleasant memory I have is the noises my baby made
during sleep.
To hear him gurgling in his sleep was simply a delight. I felt
that the parenting when I slept with my baby was some of the
easiest, yet most valuable, times we shared.
I enjoyed the benefit of co-sleeping by receiving higher-
quality sleep when not fully woken during the night and feeling
connected and confident that I was there to protect my child.
I didn't worry about him being warm enough, or breathing
clearly. The fear of SIDS can be very stressful for some people.
To me, it seemed very calming to be next to my baby and simply
put my hand on his chest if he seemed disturbed.
Our babies enjoy our protection, our emotional reassurance,
and knowing their source of food and comfort is there beside
them. It just feels "right" to them.
Nighttime feeding
Nighttime feeds are easy when you are co-sleeping with your baby.
You simply roll over and breastfeed as the baby starts to wake
and nuzzle up to you, in search of the breast.
The baby trusts you are there and has no reason to feel
disturbed or cry. Michel Odent, in his book "Primal Health"
writes:
"In the dark, the baby's predominant sense, sight, is at rest.
Instead, the baby needs to use its sense of touch through
skin-to-skin contact and its sense of smell."
As an experienced co-sleeping parent, I can honestly say it
was very rare for either of us to fully awaken. It is a
particularly satisfying way to connect after a busy day,
especially for parents who work as they can deepen their
connection during the night.
Before deciding how to respond to my children as toddlers and
now as children in their middle years, I would ask myself whether
this reaction will build love and trust in our relationship, or
reduce it. That to me is more important that almost any issue we
dealt with day to day.
Trusting that they were not trying to manipulate me when they
cried or requested my attention, but truly had needs that needed
to be met, was a cornerstone of my mothering.
Now that my first child is taller and stronger than I, and my
daughter is approaching adolescence, I feel the foundations that
continued through childhood are particularly cherished.
Fostering an easier transition from the womb to the family bed
and co-sleeping, helps establish a connection to enable feelings
of security, love and self-respect. This forms the basis for the
child to grow up feeling secure, loved, and welcome in this
world.
Pauline Davis, Contributor, Jakarta, paulined@optushome.com.au
In a world of exponentially increasing change, some of the most
valuable truths go back to the beginning of human existence: As
humans we need to feel loved and safe.
For babies and young children it is an issue of survival. In
traditional Indonesian society, it is natural to have a newborn
baby share the family bed but, increasingly, modern Indonesian
practices seem to be following the West where parents are
encouraged to move their babies and young children out of the
family bed to sleep on their own.
As parents we receive so much advice. While some is helpful
and indeed cherished, much of it ranges from unwanted, to advice
that could have negative consequences for our children. Some
child care experts, mostly American (men), advocate complicated
regimes where the baby is left to cry in their bed for increasing
periods until they get resigned to being left on their own.
Surprisingly, many parents try this, with varying results.
One of the first questions asked of many new parents is: "Is
your baby good", meaning does the baby sleep through the night.
Sleep is one of the most contentious issues in baby-rearing
where cultural expectations and reality from a baby's perspective
seem to conflict more than in any other issue. This is tied
closely to breastfeeding issues.
Baby knows best
From the first moment I looked into the deep, wise eyes of my
son, I knew he was the one who really knew moment to moment what
he needed.
He was the "child care expert" in this relationship. Trusting
his cues made such a difference to my parenting, and the
connections that built fostered empathy and a happy and
cooperative relationship. My daughter has also benefited from
these realizations.
Our expectations make a significant difference in how we cope
with interrupted sleep. If we feel it is normal mothering to be
woken several times a night and expect broken sleep, it seems
less disturbing when it happens and thus it is easier for us to
drift back to sleep.
A quiet, gentle environment with low lights is more likely to
settle both baby and mother.
Many studies indicate how significant the quality of the early
relationships we form with our mother and father contribute to
the development of our inner strength and happiness.
Feeling secure and being quickly responded to at night, as
well as during the day is an important way to build a close,
trusting relationship where the baby, knowing its cues will be
understood, feels more connected.
It is empowering to know you truly understand your baby better
than anyone else. Feeling this connection really made an enormous
difference to how confident and calm I felt as a parent, and how
much I enjoyed my children's company.
I was secure in the knowledge that the good feelings between
us would help work out any differences in expectations that might
arise throughout the child rearing years. Being right there to
breastfeed or cuddle your baby strengthens the reciprocal bonding
and feelings of contentment.
Co-sleeping
Whether your baby sleeps with you or in their own bed, parents
need to acknowledge the importance of a safe sleeping
environment.
Even though researchers have proven that co-sleeping is the
safer alternative that lowers the chances of sudden infant death
syndrome (SIDS, also known as "cot death") for example, it is
still important to ensure the baby cannot fall out of the bed, or
between mattresses or safety rails.
Some useful safety hints include having mattresses on the
floor, using a guard rail similar to those used to keep toddlers
from falling out of their bed, pushing the bed securely against
the wall, or connecting a bed or sturdy three-sided cot to your
bed. Make sure there are no crevices that could entrap the baby.
Waterbeds are too soft and not recommended.
It is advised that pillows and soft blankets not be used near
the baby's face and that baby sleeps on his back. Most
importantly, parents should not have the baby in the family bed
if they are under the influence of drugs or alcohol, as that
factor is the major contributor to almost all cases reported of
overlaying.
Having a baby is a huge adjustment, whether they sleep with
you, or in their own bed. Your sleep will be compromised
whatever you do, so it is vital to think carefully about your
options. Brainstorm with members of your household and work out
what will meet your family's needs the best while always
empathizing with what you feel the baby would want.
Expert advice
Katherine A. Dettwyler, Ph.D. Professor of Anthropology and
winner of the Margaret Mead Award from the American
Anthropological Association, states:
"Human children are designed to be sleeping with their
parents. The sense of touch is the most important sense to
primates, along with sight. Young primates are carried on their
mother's body and sleep with her for years after birth, often
until well after weaning.
"The expected pattern is for mother and child to sleep
together, and for child to be able to nurse whenever they want
during the night."
Throughout human history, mothers have found that sleeping
with their infants was the obvious thing to do, producing an
adaptive system that attuned the mother and baby's sleep
physiology, their heart rate and sleep rhythms. It thus is in
our nature to prefer to sleep with someone.
Sharing your bed with your baby can be a joyous experience.
Some of my most treasured memories of early parenting involve the
times when I drifted out of sleep in the morning and opened my
eyes to be greeted with the vision of my baby's face, sleeping
peacefully and contentedly beside me.
My son's look of love would simply radiate from him and
reflected back to me that sense of "wellness".
Another pleasant memory I have is the noises my baby made
during sleep.
To hear him gurgling in his sleep was simply a delight. I felt
that the parenting when I slept with my baby was some of the
easiest, yet most valuable, times we shared.
I enjoyed the benefit of co-sleeping by receiving higher-
quality sleep when not fully woken during the night and feeling
connected and confident that I was there to protect my child.
I didn't worry about him being warm enough, or breathing
clearly. The fear of SIDS can be very stressful for some people.
To me, it seemed very calming to be next to my baby and simply
put my hand on his chest if he seemed disturbed.
Our babies enjoy our protection, our emotional reassurance,
and knowing their source of food and comfort is there beside
them. It just feels "right" to them.
Nighttime feeding
Nighttime feeds are easy when you are co-sleeping with your baby.
You simply roll over and breastfeed as the baby starts to wake
and nuzzle up to you, in search of the breast.
The baby trusts you are there and has no reason to feel
disturbed or cry. Michel Odent, in his book "Primal Health"
writes:
"In the dark, the baby's predominant sense, sight, is at rest.
Instead, the baby needs to use its sense of touch through
skin-to-skin contact and its sense of smell."
As an experienced co-sleeping parent, I can honestly say it
was very rare for either of us to fully awaken. It is a
particularly satisfying way to connect after a busy day,
especially for parents who work as they can deepen their
connection during the night.
Before deciding how to respond to my children as toddlers and
now as children in their middle years, I would ask myself whether
this reaction will build love and trust in our relationship, or
reduce it. That to me is more important that almost any issue we
dealt with day to day.
Trusting that they were not trying to manipulate me when they
cried or requested my attention, but truly had needs that needed
to be met, was a cornerstone of my mothering.
Now that my first child is taller and stronger than I, and my
daughter is approaching adolescence, I feel the foundations that
continued through childhood are particularly cherished.
Fostering an easier transition from the womb to the family bed
and co-sleeping, helps establish a connection to enable feelings
of security, love and self-respect. This forms the basis for the
child to grow up feeling secure, loved, and welcome in this
world.