`Mr. Moms', wives dealing with odd territory

Bruce Emond, Contributor, Jakarta

After 12 years shouldering the burden as the sole bread-winner in her family, "Nita" committed a quiet act of rebellion.

With her husband at home perfecting his Playstation skills in between helping the housemaid care for their three young children, she went out on payday and splurged on a new handbag, spending most of her wages for the purchase.

It was a reckless action, representing her accumulated anger and frustration with her husband's lack of initiative to find work, as well as the pressure she felt to keep the family afloat financially.

Now, she literally and figuratively got to hold the purse- strings.

"Everything came to a head when we went out of town for a family gathering, and we suddenly realized we had no Pampers for the youngest one," the 36-year-old private company employee said. "We were panicking and he looked at me as if it was all my fault, like 'why didn't you think of this?'

"Enough was enough. Not only was I the one who had to support the family financially, but I also had to take care of the main weekly shopping. And, if there was any problem with the kids at school, then it always came back to me as me being responsible."

Nita's husband is not the equivalent of the stay-at-home or house husbands by choice of the West or Japan (where a group of the men has even recorded an album of music together as part of their "solidarity"). While it's often been easier for women to find work during tough times in Indonesia, men in the home were usually exempted from household and child-care duties, either due to the presence of domestic help or because the tasks were deemed "women's work".

The dynamics are shifting today. Younger, less compliant household workers are no longer likely to stay with one family until their dying days, meaning that the sharing of household responsibilities among couples is often a necessity at some time during a relationship.

Another factor was that the economic crisis that struck in 1997 suddenly threw many white-collar male workers out of work and into the home. They found themselves out of their element, removed from the traditional male domain of the workplace and dependent on their wives for financial support. Some experienced feelings of insecurity and confusion about the sudden reversal of their role in the family, especially if they were raised in families where women were consigned domestic duties.

Psychologist Ieda Poernomo Sigit Sidi defines two types of husbands in their view of household responsibilities.

"The first does not see it as too much of a problem whoever needs to take care of domestic duties, but there are also the ones who consider being in the home to be taboo, and that it is for the wife to deal with. Their understanding of concept sharing is still lacking," the specialist in marital counseling said.

A better understanding of marriage as a partnership, instead of a relationship of one partner being dominant over the other, is needed in a changing world, Ieda added.

"In the 1970s and before, the wife was in the domestic position, the husband went out to work. From the 1980s on, it's not so clearly defined. For the past 30 years, we have been experiencing a transition period in our norms, with such (great) changes in the family in the last 10 years. Now, it's time to define the family for the 21st century ... it's not the same as for our parents, and certainly not like for our grandparents," she said.

While societal attitudes may be changing gradually, close-knit families still hold sway. Couples still not only have to deal with their own insecurities in a changed marital situation, but also the disapproving opinions of family and the community around them.

Family ties were an issue for "Susy", an executive at an event organizer, when her husband's computer dealership went bankrupt during the crisis.

"I deliberately avoided telling them at first, not because of shame but because I didn't want them to worry or lose their respect for my husband," said the mother of two sons.

Ieda acknowledged it was difficult to face up to family pressure, saying that couples needed to establish and commit to a shared identity and values at the core of their relationship, with their extended family and society encircling it but taking roles of lesser importance.

"It's about unity as a family today. People cannot be passive in their roles, or put a burden on others, but they have to have a compact relationship. It's a process of maturity in realizing that the relationship is not decided on who gives what, but on the shared commitment," said Ieda, who recommends that all couples undergo pre-marital counseling.

"That's why the role of the wife is very important. If she tells the family, 'we're OK, we didn't expect this but we're coping with it', then that should be enough."

Susy's husband, "Iwan", initially dealt with his own confusion by partying until late with friends or even speeding in his car, "because he told me he needed to be recognized, too", Susy recollected. "My husband possesses a strong character, and I knew I had to be water to his fire ... we communicated our feelings through notes to each other."

After the initial difficulties of adjustment, Susy and Iwan said they learned a lot about themselves and their relationship through patience and understanding.

Iwan said he gained newfound respect for what it takes to run a household.

"Of course, the one thing I can never do like my wife is have kids, but I'm picking up my sons, cooking for them, helping them with their homework, which my own father would never have done."

Aside from the reactions of the extended family, children are another important part of the equation in how they accept their father in the home.

Both Nita and Susy said that their children sometimes expressed confusion and unease with the situation. One of Nita's sons, for example, asked his father to buy him a toy, "but to please use your own money, instead of always using mom's".

Ieda cautioned parents to be particularly careful in how they express their feelings about their spouse to young, impressionable children.

"Even if a mother is frustrated with her situation, she must never express it in insults to her husband," she said. "Kids record to memory everything that is going on around them, and, especially for boys, such a situation would affect their relationships with their wives later on.

"If they've seen their own mother's frustration, then they'll probably try to keep their wives in the home out of fear of having the same thing happen to them."

With a foundation of trust, honesty and security about their family, including using religious teachings to instill an understanding of the sanctity of marriage as a partnership, children should be able to weather the cruelest taunts, Ieda said.

"If another child says to them, `Your dad should be wearing a skirt like all the mothers picking up their kids', children who have an understanding of their family's position won't be affected by it," she added.