More career women prefer to stay single

JAKARTA (JP): She planned to get married right after she finished her study at university, but several years have passed since graduation and she remains single.

"I haven't found Mr. Right," Pinta Silaen, a company manager of Intrasari Group, said. "I still want to get married, but I just don't know when."

Pinta is 30 years old. While many women at that age are married and have children, she is still single. And like her, there are many career women who have put marriage on hold. Like Pinta, many single women have not married because they are still looking for the right man.

"I won't be in a hurry, I don't want to marry the wrong person," said Sugianti Wongso, 31, accounting manager of PT Meta Epsi Inti Dinamika Corp.

Indonesian women used to dream about a husband who had a better education and a better wage, and could "protect" them. Some still hold onto that idea, while others, especially educated women, prefer a soul mate who is more or less "equal", and not necessarily "better". As women become more independent, they see their future husband not as a "protector", but as someone to share feelings and ideas.

Linda Mangunsong, 29, has her own reasons for being single.

"In the past, people said you could not be a complete person if you were not married. But we have different values now. Marriage is not to be avoided, but it is not to be pursued, either," she said.

"As for me, marriage is not my first priority. I put learning as my top priority and career as the second," Linda, a marketing manager, said.

She prefers the single life because her work requires her to travel a lot and she is afraid that she won't be able to do so when she is married.

"I also notice that the company often gives more opportunity for singles to develop their career," she said.

Linda said when she was younger, she dreamed of getting married at the age of 27. Afraid of marriage might hamper her career, she is waiting for the right time.

"Also, I don't want to marry a man who does not base the marriage on partnership. I don't like the idea that a marriage makes the man head of the family and the woman the housewife," she said.

"I still plan to get married, but if I can't find the right man, then I will just be realistic. It's okay, I don't think getting married will not make you a perfect woman," she said.

Maria, 41, believes that marriage is a matter of choice.

"Being an unmarried woman is hard. Some people might accuse you of being abnormal. Some might say you are gay. But I don't care," she said. She is happy being single as this allows her to concentrate on her job as a journalist.

"I can travel as far as I want and no one fusses," she said.

Maria said she chose to remain celibate because she believes marriage is a contract of negotiation. "I am not able to negotiate and I don't have the patience for that."

The society, however, still can't accept such a way of life. Maria's mother and her relatives always raise the issue whenever she returns to her hometown in Central Java. "They always ask why nobody wants me," she said.

Tendency

Darmanto Jatman, a psychologist and sociologist at the University of Diponegoro, Semarang, said there is a tendency for educated women who work outside the house to postpone marriage or not marry at all.

The tendency, long established in the West, has also hit Asia. It is strongly felt in Japan and Singapore. The Singaporean government has even launched a national campaign to convince women to marry earlier and have children.

"Once women begin building their career, they might put marriage as the second priority. They date but they don't want to get married," he said.

A number of Christian intellectuals have even set up a club for single women. Most of the members are in their 30s and live in Jakarta and Yogyakarta, according to Darmanto.

Darmanto said educated people are influenced by what they read. As they learn from newspapers and books about many broken marriages, they lose their trust in the marriage institution. They are afraid their spouses will not give them enough love. As a result, they tend to postpone marriage.

On the other hand, some women decide not to marry because they are not prepared to meet society's expectations of a good mother and wife, which is still determined by traditional values.

Two or three decades ago, many people were married before they were 20 years of age. But today, young people from the middle- class will not marry until they are established -- or in their 30s.

"For men, this is not really a problem. But for women, this is hard. When they are established and want to get married, they can't find anyone to marry because most women want a man who is in a better position than her, while the men want to marry a woman who is in a lower position than him," he said.

"That's why you see a 40-year-old man marrying a 20-year-old woman. And no one is fussy. But people will grumble if a woman marries a much younger man," he said.

"We are entering the cosmopolitan world, but we still maintain the old way of thinking," he said. "The root of the problem is culture." (sim)