Mixed marriage: A tale of trials and tribulation

Mixed marriage: A tale of trials and tribulation

JAKARTA (JP): What is a mixed marriage like? What is it like
marrying a person from a different country, with different
culture, customs, law etc.? Several people in such marriages
talked to The Jakarta Post about their experiences

Heni, a housewife, married an Englishman in Sukabumi, West
Java, in 1991, and moved to London shortly after the marriage.
Three years later, her husband found a new job in an insurance
company in Jakarta, where they have now built a new home. They
have two children and live in a nice house in South Jakarta.

"So far, I have had no significant problem with my husband
even though we come from different cultures. We are open to each
other and have good communication. I think that's the key to
maintaining our marriage.

"About my children, well... as you know, Indonesian law says
that they follow their father's citizenship. They have British
citizenship. I feel sad because they are not Indonesian. But an
immigration officer told me that they can apply for Indonesian
citizenship when they grow up. I hope their love for Indonesia
will grow in their hearts so that when the time comes, they will
apply for Indonesian citizenship and become Indonesians like
their mother.

"But for one thing, it is good that my children have British
nationality, because I don't have a paid job. Things can happen
and I have to make sure that my children will get the inheritance
and this will be much easier if they hold British citizenship
instead of Indonesian," she said about the possibility of the
marriage breaking up or if her husband passes away.

Wati, who is in her 40s, is married to an English consultant.

"There are many cultural problems in mixed marriages. As for
me, it took me a year to adjust to the situation. In Indonesia,
we can accept guests at any time. Our relatives might come to our
house to stay for a few days or a week or two without telling us
first. But they (Westerners) can't accept this.

"They are also more individualistic and independent. They
don't want to be helped by others, and work hard to handle
problems by themselves, which, I think, is good."

Wati and her husband live in Jakarta, but they send their
three children to study in the United Kingdom.

Wati said she was happy that the children have British
citizenship, which gives them many "privileges."

"If you are a European and you work, you will get a higher
salary compared to an Indonesian," she said.

Suhartono, an Indonesian executive who used to work in Sydney,
married an Australian woman in 1987. Three years ago, he brought
his family to Indonesia and has settled here since then.

He said that the most difficult problems he has faced are to
do with emotions and culture.

"In a way, it would be more pleasant to have an Indonesian
wife. If you have an Indonesian wife and you want to go out with
her, you can ask your mother-in-law to take care of the
children," he said.

He said he often worries about his wife every time he has to
go out of town. He also worries when she takes public transport
or goes to a public place, like the local market, by herself.

"I worry about her because I'm afraid she does not really know
the area and, you know, she is from a country which has a
different culture," he said.

Laksmi is a Balinese girl married to a Frenchman. Laksmi, a
devout Hindu, married Pierre (not his real name) in a Christian
ceremony in Jakarta five years ago. The newly-wed couple moved to
Paris soon after their wedding. "It was my first overseas trip.
Everything was so messy. I had mixed feelings -- nervous but
happy," Laksmi said.

She said she had to make an immediate adjustment to the
Western culture. "Communication problems haunted me during the
first year of my stay in Paris. I could not speak French at all.
My husband and I spoke English," Laksmi said.

She was fortunate that her husband and his family have fully
supported her. "Pierre comes from a small and warm family. They
have very close relationships. I felt accepted," Laksmi said.

She said she worked very hard to bridge all cultural
obstacles. She took French lessons and socialized with Pierre's
family and friends. "Sometimes, old French people gaze at us
awkwardly, but we never take it into account. In general, French
people have been so nice to me and my baby," said Laksmi who is
now working in a restaurant in Paris.

The couple has a five-year-old girl. "I have a busy schedule
as a working mom. So far, I am happy here with my loved ones."

Alicia, an Australian woman, married a noted Indonesian
businessman 13 years ago. The couple held their wedding
ceremonies in Australia and in Indonesia.

In Australia, their wedding was held in a civil agency. The
newly-weds underwent an Islamic wedding ceremony in KUA, the
Moslem Registry Office in Jakarta.

"I was so depressed during the first year of our marriage.
Everything turned out so bad. It was just like living in hell,"
she recalled.

She said she was so nervous when meeting her husband's
family, especially her mother-in-law.

Problems started to surface one by one. Their children's
citizenship was one of the first serious matters that had to be
dealt with. One of the children holds the mother's citizenship,
the other follows his father as an Indonesian.

"Every six years, both of us, my son and I, must extend our
stay permits here," she explained.

She always finds it hard to deal with the bureaucracy. She
said the Immigration office should give clear information on all
existing regulations and procedures which must be followed by all
foreigners living in Indonesia.

"Officials continue to give different information on the
necessary regulations, "she said.

Taxes imposed on foreigners also burden her. She has to pay
Rp 450,000 (US$194) in annual tax at the City Revenue Agency.
"Many foreign women are married to Indonesian civil servants who
earn meager salaries. It may be difficult for them to pay the
tax," Alicia said.

There are some other things that bother her. As a foreigner,
she has no right to buy property. "Under Indonesian law, foreign
spouses are in a very weak position, " she said.

Despite all these obstacles, Alicia has finally realized that
living in Indonesia is not as bad as she previously thought.

"My home is where my family lives -- wherever it is. If we
always think about all the differences, we will never be happy at
all. I'm so lucky I have such a supportive husband and children,"
she commented.

When she looks back, she just cannot believe that she was
strong enough to overcome all problems that had rocked her
marital life.

Vala, an Indian man, exchanged vows with Jenny, a Javanese
girl, early this year. "We are now still adjusting ourselves to
this new situation. So far, we have not yet faced any major
problems," he said.

Vala said he comes from a society where a man would not, or
rather could not, marry a girl outside his caste. The idea that
Indian men might want to marry foreign girls from a different
religion or cultural background has never crossed the minds of
most Indian parents.

"I made a daring decision to choose Jenny as my wife although
I have not yet received the full blessing of my parents in my
home country. I understand it is very difficult for them to
accept a foreign daughter-in-law. I keep hoping that the so-
called globalization will change their minds," Vala said
optimistically.

Thanks to the broad-minded Javanese culture, Vala said he
faces no difficulties with his in-laws. "They accept me as their
own son and brothers. What worries them is my immigration status
as a foreigner as they are afraid that we may face tough phases
when dealing with the bureaucracy," Vala said.

"We are also worried if we have children. Under Indonesian
law, a child would automatically get his father's citizenship in
cases where the father is a foreigner and mother an Indonesian.

"And since I speak Indonesian fluently and understand the
culture well, I do not have much of a problem with
communication," Vala smiled. (sim/raw)