Mixed marriage: A tale of trials and tribulation

JAKARTA (JP): What is a mixed marriage like? What is it like marrying a person from a different country, with different culture, customs, law etc.? Several people in such marriages talked to The Jakarta Post about their experiences

Heni, a housewife, married an Englishman in Sukabumi, West Java, in 1991, and moved to London shortly after the marriage. Three years later, her husband found a new job in an insurance company in Jakarta, where they have now built a new home. They have two children and live in a nice house in South Jakarta.

"So far, I have had no significant problem with my husband even though we come from different cultures. We are open to each other and have good communication. I think that's the key to maintaining our marriage.

"About my children, well... as you know, Indonesian law says that they follow their father's citizenship. They have British citizenship. I feel sad because they are not Indonesian. But an immigration officer told me that they can apply for Indonesian citizenship when they grow up. I hope their love for Indonesia will grow in their hearts so that when the time comes, they will apply for Indonesian citizenship and become Indonesians like their mother.

"But for one thing, it is good that my children have British nationality, because I don't have a paid job. Things can happen and I have to make sure that my children will get the inheritance and this will be much easier if they hold British citizenship instead of Indonesian," she said about the possibility of the marriage breaking up or if her husband passes away.

Wati, who is in her 40s, is married to an English consultant.

"There are many cultural problems in mixed marriages. As for me, it took me a year to adjust to the situation. In Indonesia, we can accept guests at any time. Our relatives might come to our house to stay for a few days or a week or two without telling us first. But they (Westerners) can't accept this.

"They are also more individualistic and independent. They don't want to be helped by others, and work hard to handle problems by themselves, which, I think, is good."

Wati and her husband live in Jakarta, but they send their three children to study in the United Kingdom.

Wati said she was happy that the children have British citizenship, which gives them many "privileges."

"If you are a European and you work, you will get a higher salary compared to an Indonesian," she said.

Suhartono, an Indonesian executive who used to work in Sydney, married an Australian woman in 1987. Three years ago, he brought his family to Indonesia and has settled here since then.

He said that the most difficult problems he has faced are to do with emotions and culture.

"In a way, it would be more pleasant to have an Indonesian wife. If you have an Indonesian wife and you want to go out with her, you can ask your mother-in-law to take care of the children," he said.

He said he often worries about his wife every time he has to go out of town. He also worries when she takes public transport or goes to a public place, like the local market, by herself.

"I worry about her because I'm afraid she does not really know the area and, you know, she is from a country which has a different culture," he said.

Laksmi is a Balinese girl married to a Frenchman. Laksmi, a devout Hindu, married Pierre (not his real name) in a Christian ceremony in Jakarta five years ago. The newly-wed couple moved to Paris soon after their wedding. "It was my first overseas trip. Everything was so messy. I had mixed feelings -- nervous but happy," Laksmi said.

She said she had to make an immediate adjustment to the Western culture. "Communication problems haunted me during the first year of my stay in Paris. I could not speak French at all. My husband and I spoke English," Laksmi said.

She was fortunate that her husband and his family have fully supported her. "Pierre comes from a small and warm family. They have very close relationships. I felt accepted," Laksmi said.

She said she worked very hard to bridge all cultural obstacles. She took French lessons and socialized with Pierre's family and friends. "Sometimes, old French people gaze at us awkwardly, but we never take it into account. In general, French people have been so nice to me and my baby," said Laksmi who is now working in a restaurant in Paris.

The couple has a five-year-old girl. "I have a busy schedule as a working mom. So far, I am happy here with my loved ones."

Alicia, an Australian woman, married a noted Indonesian businessman 13 years ago. The couple held their wedding ceremonies in Australia and in Indonesia.

In Australia, their wedding was held in a civil agency. The newly-weds underwent an Islamic wedding ceremony in KUA, the Moslem Registry Office in Jakarta.

"I was so depressed during the first year of our marriage. Everything turned out so bad. It was just like living in hell," she recalled.

She said she was so nervous when meeting her husband's family, especially her mother-in-law.

Problems started to surface one by one. Their children's citizenship was one of the first serious matters that had to be dealt with. One of the children holds the mother's citizenship, the other follows his father as an Indonesian.

"Every six years, both of us, my son and I, must extend our stay permits here," she explained.

She always finds it hard to deal with the bureaucracy. She said the Immigration office should give clear information on all existing regulations and procedures which must be followed by all foreigners living in Indonesia.

"Officials continue to give different information on the necessary regulations, "she said.

Taxes imposed on foreigners also burden her. She has to pay Rp 450,000 (US$194) in annual tax at the City Revenue Agency. "Many foreign women are married to Indonesian civil servants who earn meager salaries. It may be difficult for them to pay the tax," Alicia said.

There are some other things that bother her. As a foreigner, she has no right to buy property. "Under Indonesian law, foreign spouses are in a very weak position, " she said.

Despite all these obstacles, Alicia has finally realized that living in Indonesia is not as bad as she previously thought.

"My home is where my family lives -- wherever it is. If we always think about all the differences, we will never be happy at all. I'm so lucky I have such a supportive husband and children," she commented.

When she looks back, she just cannot believe that she was strong enough to overcome all problems that had rocked her marital life.

Vala, an Indian man, exchanged vows with Jenny, a Javanese girl, early this year. "We are now still adjusting ourselves to this new situation. So far, we have not yet faced any major problems," he said.

Vala said he comes from a society where a man would not, or rather could not, marry a girl outside his caste. The idea that Indian men might want to marry foreign girls from a different religion or cultural background has never crossed the minds of most Indian parents.

"I made a daring decision to choose Jenny as my wife although I have not yet received the full blessing of my parents in my home country. I understand it is very difficult for them to accept a foreign daughter-in-law. I keep hoping that the so- called globalization will change their minds," Vala said optimistically.

Thanks to the broad-minded Javanese culture, Vala said he faces no difficulties with his in-laws. "They accept me as their own son and brothers. What worries them is my immigration status as a foreigner as they are afraid that we may face tough phases when dealing with the bureaucracy," Vala said.

"We are also worried if we have children. Under Indonesian law, a child would automatically get his father's citizenship in cases where the father is a foreigner and mother an Indonesian.

"And since I speak Indonesian fluently and understand the culture well, I do not have much of a problem with communication," Vala smiled. (sim/raw)