Marrying 'out': A leap of faith

Marrying 'out': A leap of faith

Hera Diani, The Jakarta Post, Jakarta

After six years in an on-again, off-again relationship,
Fransiska, 25, and Reza, 26, are finally determined to tie the
knot.

It's been a difficult decision. They have dealt not only with
the usual couples' issues, but also their difference in religion.

Fransiska, who is Catholic, and Reza, a Muslim, have decided
that they will adhere to their respective religions.

"I just can't abandon what I've been taught and believed in
the past 25 years. Neither can he," said Fransiska, or Siska, a
graphic designer.

Even to take that step of finding a middle ground -- such as
Siska agreeing their children will be raised as Muslims -- is
fraught with guilt and the possibility of rejection from their
families and communities.

Their families at first opposed their relationship, but they
finally gave permission for them to wed, as long as Siska and
Reza did not convert.

But they find themselves in legal limbo when it comes to
marrying.

Under Law No. 1/1974 on matrimony, a marriage is only legal
when it is conducted according to one faith or religion.

"If we get married at the religious affairs office (for Muslim
unions), I have to state that I convert to Islam. That means
pretending, and it's like playing games. I don't want to do
that," Siska said.

Marrying out of one's religion is one of the most sensitive
issues in Indonesian society and a nightmare for most families,
with the assumption by others that parents did not bring up their
children "properly". Most young people rule out dating someone of
another religion because of the potential social and legal
pitfalls if they do fall in love and want to marry.

Still, many interfaith couples have set up home together,
including such famous unions as actress Lydia Kandou and singer
Jamal Mirdad.

The good news for them is that a consortium of representatives
-- from the government, non-governmental organizations and UNICEF
-- is working on a new bill to legalize interfaith marriages
while maintaining a couple's respective religions.

However, the draft of the bill is not expected for another
year. Even then, attitudes will be hard to change.

Many couples deal with the legal restriction by getting
married under one religion, but then continue to practice their
own religions in the marriage.

"Iwan," a Muslim, and "Rachel", a Catholic, were married in a
church more than 10 years ago.

"We're still happily married and still maintain our
religions," Iwan said, adding that in Islam, it is OK for men to
marry non-Muslim women, although it is not vice versa.

"Both my children are Catholic, but I don't mind that. You
know, it's just not productive to argue about religious
differences."

Others choose to go to other countries to marry, with the most
popular destination being Singapore. Data shows some 5,000
Indonesian couples waiting to marry at the registry office on the
island-state.

Ariani, who is a Muslim, counts herself lucky that she married
John, 53, a Christian from North Sulawesi, in 1976 when the law
was not strictly imposed.

Now, with three children, they are still happily married and
maintain their respective religions.

"I still pray, fast and do dzikir (chanting praise to God)
because I always think those are the most wonderful things. That
goes for my husband, too," said Ariani, 48, an area
representative of a multinational company.

"In our house, we celebrate both Idul Fitri (the post-fasting
month celebration) and Christmas. Most of the time, I even do the
tree decorating," she added.

When they married, Ariani and John faced resistance from their
families, with each demanding their child's spouse convert.

"I come from a Sundanese family who is fanatic about religion.
I, however, am more liberal. I thought as long as my future
husband loves me, is responsible and has a high sense of
humanity ... that's all that matters," Ariani said.

Her family also told her that she would be "committing
adultery" as Islam forbids a Muslim woman to marry a non-Muslim.

"I thought that it's actually God's intention that I met my
husband and married him. I feel that it's just not possible that
we're going to be damned by Him," she asserted.

They decided at the outset of their relationship that they
would not make differences in religion an issue.

They have also committed that neither of them will try to
persuade their children but instead leave them free them to
choose the religion that is most suitable for them. The couple's
first two children are Muslims while the youngest is Christian.

Religious ties, however, are hard to break. When pressed,
Ariani admitted that deep down both her and her husband hoped
their spouse would convert.

"But forcing it will do no good. Besides, we're growing older.
Let's just be realistic," she said.

Ariani is saddened by the stories of marriages crumbling under
family pressure, and of parents disowning their children.

She also knows that no legislation can change attitudes.

"It's such a pity because religion is one's personal right.
Everyone has their freedom, it's their personal relationship with
God," she said.