Marrying 'out': A leap of faith
Hera Diani, The Jakarta Post, Jakarta
After six years in an on-again, off-again relationship, Fransiska, 25, and Reza, 26, are finally determined to tie the knot.
It's been a difficult decision. They have dealt not only with the usual couples' issues, but also their difference in religion.
Fransiska, who is Catholic, and Reza, a Muslim, have decided that they will adhere to their respective religions.
"I just can't abandon what I've been taught and believed in the past 25 years. Neither can he," said Fransiska, or Siska, a graphic designer.
Even to take that step of finding a middle ground -- such as Siska agreeing their children will be raised as Muslims -- is fraught with guilt and the possibility of rejection from their families and communities.
Their families at first opposed their relationship, but they finally gave permission for them to wed, as long as Siska and Reza did not convert.
But they find themselves in legal limbo when it comes to marrying.
Under Law No. 1/1974 on matrimony, a marriage is only legal when it is conducted according to one faith or religion.
"If we get married at the religious affairs office (for Muslim unions), I have to state that I convert to Islam. That means pretending, and it's like playing games. I don't want to do that," Siska said.
Marrying out of one's religion is one of the most sensitive issues in Indonesian society and a nightmare for most families, with the assumption by others that parents did not bring up their children "properly". Most young people rule out dating someone of another religion because of the potential social and legal pitfalls if they do fall in love and want to marry.
Still, many interfaith couples have set up home together, including such famous unions as actress Lydia Kandou and singer Jamal Mirdad.
The good news for them is that a consortium of representatives -- from the government, non-governmental organizations and UNICEF -- is working on a new bill to legalize interfaith marriages while maintaining a couple's respective religions.
However, the draft of the bill is not expected for another year. Even then, attitudes will be hard to change.
Many couples deal with the legal restriction by getting married under one religion, but then continue to practice their own religions in the marriage.
"Iwan," a Muslim, and "Rachel", a Catholic, were married in a church more than 10 years ago.
"We're still happily married and still maintain our religions," Iwan said, adding that in Islam, it is OK for men to marry non-Muslim women, although it is not vice versa.
"Both my children are Catholic, but I don't mind that. You know, it's just not productive to argue about religious differences."
Others choose to go to other countries to marry, with the most popular destination being Singapore. Data shows some 5,000 Indonesian couples waiting to marry at the registry office on the island-state.
Ariani, who is a Muslim, counts herself lucky that she married John, 53, a Christian from North Sulawesi, in 1976 when the law was not strictly imposed.
Now, with three children, they are still happily married and maintain their respective religions.
"I still pray, fast and do dzikir (chanting praise to God) because I always think those are the most wonderful things. That goes for my husband, too," said Ariani, 48, an area representative of a multinational company.
"In our house, we celebrate both Idul Fitri (the post-fasting month celebration) and Christmas. Most of the time, I even do the tree decorating," she added.
When they married, Ariani and John faced resistance from their families, with each demanding their child's spouse convert.
"I come from a Sundanese family who is fanatic about religion. I, however, am more liberal. I thought as long as my future husband loves me, is responsible and has a high sense of humanity ... that's all that matters," Ariani said.
Her family also told her that she would be "committing adultery" as Islam forbids a Muslim woman to marry a non-Muslim.
"I thought that it's actually God's intention that I met my husband and married him. I feel that it's just not possible that we're going to be damned by Him," she asserted.
They decided at the outset of their relationship that they would not make differences in religion an issue.
They have also committed that neither of them will try to persuade their children but instead leave them free them to choose the religion that is most suitable for them. The couple's first two children are Muslims while the youngest is Christian.
Religious ties, however, are hard to break. When pressed, Ariani admitted that deep down both her and her husband hoped their spouse would convert.
"But forcing it will do no good. Besides, we're growing older. Let's just be realistic," she said.
Ariani is saddened by the stories of marriages crumbling under family pressure, and of parents disowning their children.
She also knows that no legislation can change attitudes.
"It's such a pity because religion is one's personal right. Everyone has their freedom, it's their personal relationship with God," she said.