Marriage involves much more than timing

By E. Effendi

JAKARTA (JP): When you become a grown-up man, you realize that you have to worry about different things from those when you were younger. For instance, instead of worrying about whether your parents will let you come home late, you are now worrying about moving out from their home. Instead of worrying about your zip problem, you are worrying about unnecessary hairs that have started growing from every hole in your body. And of course, instead of worrying about whom to take to the prom night dance, you are worrying about why all the people that you went to elementary school with are getting married right now.

I started to worry about that last month, when I noticed that I was receiving more wedding invitations than ever before, including the one from my old classmate, Billy, who once had a hard time zipping his pants without getting something stuck in the middle, let alone finding himself a wife.

It made me think about what made them need to get married. And from whom I should borrow money to give these people wedding gifts because I have spent all of my money buying gifts for the previous month's wedding parties.

That question brought me to a friend who was once a marriage counselor. He explained to me that what is driving people to get married this year is what they think is the best reason of all. Needless to say, it is not love.

I am not saying that the people who are getting married are not in love. No, what I mean is, there is another reason for them to get married now, and that is, ready for this: the Golden Dragon.

People, especially ethnic Chinese, believe that the year 2000 is blessed with good fortune, because the year 2000 is influenced by the dragon sign. And it is not just the ordinary dragon, it is the golden dragon, the best sign ever, or like the Chinese say "Kim Liong is the hokilungcingziangtaishiu". Or something like that.

They believe that there are 12 signs that influence everyone's life. They are symbolized by different kind of animals, including rat, rooster, pig, and Lassie. Each sign is categorized into five different elements. For instance, there are five kinds of pig sign: the golden pig, the water pig, the fire pig, the lawyer pig and the consultant pig. No, the last two of those pigs are the land pig and the wood pig. From those 12 animals, the dragon is the greatest sign, and out of all the dragon signs, the golden dragon is the best. It is like the luckiest and the coolest sign of all. It is like the one that can beat the crap out of other signs; like the one that can have sex with other animals and get away with it. It is like Bill Clinton, even better in fact, because it does not have a Ken Starr dragon or Kena Stalla Liongwaichowphizia.

Anyway, it's not just the ethnic Chinese who believe that this year is blessed with a good fortune and that everyone who is married or born at this year will have a happy and prosperous life, but people from other ethnic groups too. That is why people are hurrying to find themselves a mate.

Contrary to guys, women are very sensitive about the whole marriage thing. They think of it as a sacred moment that will affect their lives forever. Sometimes they even think of it as the goal of their life. That is why some women think that they have to get married very soon, especially when they see or hear of other women their age, or even younger, getting married.

On the other hand, guys have their own concept about marriage, which can be summarized in one simple word: "What?" Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to imply that men do not want to get married, since they are the ones who usually pop the question, usually after five cans of beer ("Will you, hik, marry me? ...Burp"). It is just that most of them don't realize what the whole process really means.

Most guys just think of marriage as the next step that they have to take in their life, after getting a job and becoming a rock star. They do not understand that it involves (guys, do not scream when you read this) commitment.

A guy's approach toward commitment and relationships is like his approach to algebra. He knows that it is there, but he never understand what it is, he doesn't even have the slightest idea. A guy thinks, "Well, for three years I and Emily have had this ... this ... umm, something." And he will have this thought until someone, usually a woman, suggests that he and Emily get married, which usually leaves the guy stunned for three days.

Even after a guy agrees to get married, he does not fully share a woman's concept of what a relationship is. He is aware, in his tiny mind, that something large is going on, but he can not really comprehend what it is and what his obligation is in it. But when he is facing a major event in his married life, like having a baby or a divorce, his mind will form a definite thought, which truly reflects his many years as a married man: "What?"

That's why we rarely see a groom cry at a wedding, whereas his bride uses the whole city's supply of tissues. What the bride is thinking throughout the entire wedding ceremony is, "This is it, this is the moment when I start sharing my heart and soul with this man. Look at him, very serious and committed. Oh, where's my tissue?"

While the groom is thinking, "Which is it?" The firm "I DO!" or the low and confident "I ... do!" or the cool "I do ... do ... do ... do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do. Let's sing it everybody!".

But all of these things don't stop a guy from getting married, because he doesn't want everybody to think that he is afraid of commitment. No, he doesn't want that. You can call him ignorant, smelly, bully, brainless or even pig; but never call him a coward. That is another reason for the rising number of marriages: guys are trying to prove themselves.

It's these reasons, then, which make people receive too many wedding invitations; In fact, I have four of them just for this weekend. My point is that although it is very nice to see so many young couples joined together in holy matrimony, all the husband- and-wife wanna-bes should understand that marriage involves much more than just timing. It also involves many wedding gifts, which I have to find a way to finance right now.