Managing conflict positively for peace of mind

Pri Notowidigdo, The Amrop Hever Group, Global Executive Search, (e-mail: jakarta@amrophever.com)

"Peace is not the absence of conflict, but how you manage it," stated Charles Kettering.

How do you manage conflict? Do you think it is best to avoid conflicts? Do you think you must be confrontational in a disagreement with somebody? Or do you believe that gentle words cannot calm anger? Do you believe that it is futile to waste time and energy to resolve a conflict to the satisfaction of everybody? How you respond to these questions reflects your approach to conflict management.

What are these approaches?

1. The Avoidance Approach: You avoid conflict at any cost because you have an irrational fear of helplessness in the face of conflict. The outcome of avoiding conflicts ranges from minor irritating dissatisfaction to deep unhappiness. This is because when you avoid you rarely get what you really want, and withdrawing ends up with your being isolated.

2. The Direct Confrontation Approach: If you're in this category, you just do not like to take no for an answer. Your aims and objectives are so important to you that you would gladly pay the cost of lost friendships in order to win an argument.

People in this category are normally proud and successful, and are not overly concerned if others dislike them. They cannot tolerate failure, so they rarely learn the valuable lessons to be gained from failure.

3. The Accommodating Approach: If you are in this category, you would rather give in rather than fight. Your aims and objectives are unimportant compared with the value of relationships. This situation is useful in a temporary situation. Trying to please all of the people all of the time, though, can weaken relationships, and the consequent dissatisfaction can lead to even more subtle attempts to control conflicts by, for example, becoming covertly aggressive.

4. The Compromise Approach: If you are a compromiser, you are not afraid of conflicts, which are seen as part of everyday life. You dislike extremes. You look for the middle ground, and expect to have to give up something in order to gain something. The disadvantage of compromise is that the issues underlying the original conflict are likely to arise again in the future, demanding further compromises.

5. The Synergy Approach: This method is probably the most ideal. Relationships, at work or at home, do not survive unless both people are gaining satisfaction. Therefore, in this approach, you make time to resolve conflicts by confronting all the issues with courage and the intention of learning something in the process. Both parties have to be fully involved, but the gains are invaluable. When a conflict is resolved, both parties get what they want and there is a greater understanding between the parties.

We must be able to manage conflict in a positive problem- solving manner in order to deal with the underlying issues, grow from the experience and move on with our lives.