Making the man mightier than the word

Making the man mightier than the word

JAKARTA (JP): "LAYDEEEEEES AN' GENNULMUNN!! IN THE RED
CORNAH... WEARIN' A SILK BATIK WRAP-AROUND.... OUR FIRST
CONTENDAH... FARID BASKOROOOOOO....!!!"

The crowd of thousands lets out a roar of applause, foot
stomping, whistles, cheers ("pulverize him, Farid!"), jeers ("get
out, you lame duck!"). Cat calls heard as Farid, arms waving in
the air, performs a few dance steps in the ring... while the
announcer, waiting a few moments for the cacophony to abate a
bit, continues: "AN' IN THE BLUE CORNAH IN IKAT SHORTS...
CONTENDAH NUMBER TWO... ALOYSIUS HARYONOOOO...!!!"

Yes, folks! It's a contest, a real, honest-to-goodness slug
fest between two guys whose names you've seen often enough in the
columns of The Jakarta Post.

Now, what is all this about? Well ... they've been at it for
such a long time, you know, writing letters to this paper,
generally telling anyone who cares enough about what is wrong
with Jakarta, Indonesia, the world, and you. They're not exactly
writing at each other (I mean Baskoro and Haryono -- at least I
can't remember either one reacting to the other's writings), as
much as pouring vitriol over the writings and opinions of other
permanent contributors to this paper's Your Letters column.
Their scribblings, and those of many others, appear with such
regularity and in the process turning Your Letters into one of
the paper's most amusing sections, that I think something should
be done or organized to create an event that would be, well,
visual and audible. Like, for instance, a television show. Think
of the entertainment value.

So here's what the Post might consider doing. Engage, say, the
Jakarta Convention Hall or the square in the middle of the
exhibition center in Kemayoran, put a ring in it (wrestling or
boxing ring size would eminently serve the purpose), bill the
event as the fight to end all fights, scream it from every
magazine, radio and television program, as well as all available
rooftops in this city, and then sit back and watch the money roll
in.

But please don't think that there'll be pools of blood all
over the place. We're a peaceful lot, we Indonesians, and
besides, it's purely pour le sport, n'est ce pas? But the
trappings are needed, like the vast cavern of the Convention Hall
and the ring in the middle of it. They'd be the only features
that would remind you of such blood sports like boxing and
wrestling.

You could visualize the match as follows: Since the two have
been at it like so many mesdames Sevignees and de Staels, there'd
be two word processors in opposing corners. The two would be
given one or more subjects to opine about, such as the use of
foreign words in Indonesian, the traffic situation in Jakarta,
Serbia-Bosnia, women's lib, whatever. The referee calls the two
contenders to the middle of the ring, reminding them of the do's
and don'ts.

"No dictionaries, Rogets, Oxford Book of Quotations", and of
course they'll be body searched for hidden implements that will
make the computer go faster. Then the bell rings and the slinging
match begins over, say, five rounds each one lasting five
minutes. The two will be banging the keyboard, while every word
is instantly shown on giant screens for the audience to see.

Can't you just hear the yells and screams! "That's a good
one, Farid!!" or "c'mawn, Aloysius, beat the hell out of him!!"
Of course there'll be rules and regulations, and to make sure
everything goes fair and square there's the jury composed of the
Post's greats: Raymond Toruan, Susanto Pudjomartono, Lela
Madjiah, Endy Bayuni, Margaret Agusta, Hartoyo Pratiknyo and
whoever feels like serving on the board of judges (I bet they'll
be fighting over it).

As I said earlier, the two contenders are mentioned as an
example. The contest needn't be between those two. Besides, it
would be an international event, what with all those foreign
names appearing in Your Letters. "AND HERE... LAYDEEEEES AN'
GENNULMUN... WEARIN' A SHOCKING-PINK BATHROBE.... THE CONTENDAH
REPRESENTING ORSTRAYLYUH... SAAAAWREY-COOKSON!!!" Or "FROM THE
YEWNIGHTED STATES OF AMERRICAAAAH... HEEEEEEEEERE'S JOHN
FENTON!!! Or "WRAPPED IN RED, WHITE 'AN GREEN... ALL THE WAY FROM
ITALEEEEE.... PIERO ROOOOOONCIII!!!" Let's have that one talk
about soccer and rugby. Or "HAILING FROM LEIPZIG IN GER-
MANEEEEEE... HERE'S ALEEEEEEX WOLVESPERGES!!!" Give that one the
subject of "Medan" and he'll go on about how to improve that
city. Each would have an opponent, so you could have Sawrey-
Cookson vs. Menon (India), or Djuana (Indonesia) vs.
Wolvesperges, and so on.

But -- perish the thought! -- let us not forget that this is
the age of equal rights. Naturally the contest will be open to
everyone regardless of race, gender, color, creed, status,
stature, physical handicap, sexual orientation, whatever. What's
more, man need not be matched against man, or woman against
woman. So... "FROM BELGIUM .... WEARING A FORM FITTING,
CHARTREUSE ONE-PIECE BATHING SUIT WITH ORANGE POLKA DOTS...
HERE'S MELODEEEE KEMP!!!" As for prizes? Let's hear your
suggestions. Anyway... get your tickets early!

-- Jak Jaunt