Making the man mightier than the word

JAKARTA (JP): "LAYDEEEEEES AN' GENNULMUNN!! IN THE RED CORNAH... WEARIN' A SILK BATIK WRAP-AROUND.... OUR FIRST CONTENDAH... FARID BASKOROOOOOO....!!!"

The crowd of thousands lets out a roar of applause, foot stomping, whistles, cheers ("pulverize him, Farid!"), jeers ("get out, you lame duck!"). Cat calls heard as Farid, arms waving in the air, performs a few dance steps in the ring... while the announcer, waiting a few moments for the cacophony to abate a bit, continues: "AN' IN THE BLUE CORNAH IN IKAT SHORTS... CONTENDAH NUMBER TWO... ALOYSIUS HARYONOOOO...!!!"

Yes, folks! It's a contest, a real, honest-to-goodness slug fest between two guys whose names you've seen often enough in the columns of The Jakarta Post.

Now, what is all this about? Well ... they've been at it for such a long time, you know, writing letters to this paper, generally telling anyone who cares enough about what is wrong with Jakarta, Indonesia, the world, and you. They're not exactly writing at each other (I mean Baskoro and Haryono -- at least I can't remember either one reacting to the other's writings), as much as pouring vitriol over the writings and opinions of other permanent contributors to this paper's Your Letters column. Their scribblings, and those of many others, appear with such regularity and in the process turning Your Letters into one of the paper's most amusing sections, that I think something should be done or organized to create an event that would be, well, visual and audible. Like, for instance, a television show. Think of the entertainment value.

So here's what the Post might consider doing. Engage, say, the Jakarta Convention Hall or the square in the middle of the exhibition center in Kemayoran, put a ring in it (wrestling or boxing ring size would eminently serve the purpose), bill the event as the fight to end all fights, scream it from every magazine, radio and television program, as well as all available rooftops in this city, and then sit back and watch the money roll in.

But please don't think that there'll be pools of blood all over the place. We're a peaceful lot, we Indonesians, and besides, it's purely pour le sport, n'est ce pas? But the trappings are needed, like the vast cavern of the Convention Hall and the ring in the middle of it. They'd be the only features that would remind you of such blood sports like boxing and wrestling.

You could visualize the match as follows: Since the two have been at it like so many mesdames Sevignees and de Staels, there'd be two word processors in opposing corners. The two would be given one or more subjects to opine about, such as the use of foreign words in Indonesian, the traffic situation in Jakarta, Serbia-Bosnia, women's lib, whatever. The referee calls the two contenders to the middle of the ring, reminding them of the do's and don'ts.

"No dictionaries, Rogets, Oxford Book of Quotations", and of course they'll be body searched for hidden implements that will make the computer go faster. Then the bell rings and the slinging match begins over, say, five rounds each one lasting five minutes. The two will be banging the keyboard, while every word is instantly shown on giant screens for the audience to see.

Can't you just hear the yells and screams! "That's a good one, Farid!!" or "c'mawn, Aloysius, beat the hell out of him!!" Of course there'll be rules and regulations, and to make sure everything goes fair and square there's the jury composed of the Post's greats: Raymond Toruan, Susanto Pudjomartono, Lela Madjiah, Endy Bayuni, Margaret Agusta, Hartoyo Pratiknyo and whoever feels like serving on the board of judges (I bet they'll be fighting over it).

As I said earlier, the two contenders are mentioned as an example. The contest needn't be between those two. Besides, it would be an international event, what with all those foreign names appearing in Your Letters. "AND HERE... LAYDEEEEES AN' GENNULMUN... WEARIN' A SHOCKING-PINK BATHROBE.... THE CONTENDAH REPRESENTING ORSTRAYLYUH... SAAAAWREY-COOKSON!!!" Or "FROM THE YEWNIGHTED STATES OF AMERRICAAAAH... HEEEEEEEEERE'S JOHN FENTON!!! Or "WRAPPED IN RED, WHITE 'AN GREEN... ALL THE WAY FROM ITALEEEEE.... PIERO ROOOOOONCIII!!!" Let's have that one talk about soccer and rugby. Or "HAILING FROM LEIPZIG IN GER- MANEEEEEE... HERE'S ALEEEEEEX WOLVESPERGES!!!" Give that one the subject of "Medan" and he'll go on about how to improve that city. Each would have an opponent, so you could have Sawrey- Cookson vs. Menon (India), or Djuana (Indonesia) vs. Wolvesperges, and so on.

But -- perish the thought! -- let us not forget that this is the age of equal rights. Naturally the contest will be open to everyone regardless of race, gender, color, creed, status, stature, physical handicap, sexual orientation, whatever. What's more, man need not be matched against man, or woman against woman. So... "FROM BELGIUM .... WEARING A FORM FITTING, CHARTREUSE ONE-PIECE BATHING SUIT WITH ORANGE POLKA DOTS... HERE'S MELODEEEE KEMP!!!" As for prizes? Let's hear your suggestions. Anyway... get your tickets early!

-- Jak Jaunt