Making my own choices, proudly, as a working mother

Making my own choices, proudly, as a working mother

Liya Chaika, Contributor, Jakarta

Gifted with the developments that come along with time, better
education and opening up to the outside world, women these days
enjoy many options off-limits to previous generations.

My mother did not have the luxury of making her own decisions
-- her parents did it for her. They decided she could only finish
senior high school and should marry a man they picked for her, my
father. Although deep down she wished to further her studies and
earn her own money, my mother realized she did not have a choice.

"You have your own future in your hands, I don't want you to
go through what I had to go through," my mother keeps telling me.

So, I have made the most important choices of life on my own.
I chose where and what to study, applied to a job as a journalist
that I liked and then, three years ago -- after staying single
five years later than my mother's expectations -- I got married
to the man of my choice.

At 33, I work and run my family the best I can though at times
-- like when my housemaid has to go back to her kampong to visit
her son -- it's a frantic struggle to juggle both.

Many working mothers share such a maddening schedule, while at
the same time dealing with the whispers that they are "bad"
mothers.

I know that I am not. I always hold to the opinion of Susan
Chira, deputy foreign editor for the New York Times, who said in
a summary of her book, A Mother's Place, that those who believe
stay-at-home mothers make ideal ones have neglected to consider
the personhood of the mothers themselves.

Chira points out that a mother's intellectual and emotional
satisfaction will undeniably affect her children. So, if a mother
feels forced into staying at home with the kids, her resentment
is not likely to result in star-quality mothering, she adds,
without any intention to say that all stay-at-home mothers are
bitter and bored.

As a mother, I want my baby girl to grow up into a smart and
independent woman who knows what she wants in life. But that
feeling of guilt -- either for leaving her in the care of my
housemaid (fortunately she has never called her "mom") or for
spending little quality time with her -- gnaws away in the back
of my mind.

My mother did not have to experience my problems. As a full-
time mother of two, she was always there for me, from the moment
I woke up until I went back to sleep.

Although we always have maids at home, it was always my mother
who woke me up every morning -- "forcing" me to take a bath,
preparing my neat school uniform, breakfast, lunchbox, and then
walking me to and from school.

When I got home from school, my meal was ready; later on, she
would "transform" into my teacher, helping me with homework, or
as a storyteller reading me bedtime stories.

I know I am not my mother who could always be there for her
children. But I also know there are many women out there who
enjoy good careers and run families at the same time,
successfully. I guess there's nothing wrong with wanting both.

Every morning, I prepare meals for my child, bathe her,
accompany her at breakfast, leave out some instructions for my
maid to follow and then go to the office. Although I arrive home
much later than other parents, I still find time to read bedtime
stories to my child before she sleeps. Well, most of the time.

But there is still that lack of understanding among others.

Once, when my baby was sick and I had to ask for a day off
from the office, there was a patronizing response.

"I think raising children is not hard," smiled one boss, who
conveniently forgot that he has a full-time wife at home in
charge of his two children. The view was echoed by my other
supervisor, who also has a wife taking care of his four kids, who
said that being a journalist and a mother is no big deal.

Maybe, it's the cultural thing, as we are still indoctrinated
with the "father goes to the office and mother cooks in the
kitchen" thing. But working in a profession where "culture"
should not cloud judgment, such comments are hard to swallow.

For unlike those working fathers, a working mother not only
works at the office -- she also runs the household, takes care of
the children and her husband.

I am not trying to judge men -- I know there are many
enlightened working fathers, like my husband, who are much more
considerate than my bosses. But I always remember one of my
colleagues's response to a comment on why there is no father's
day here.

"Come on, mother's day (officially, women's day) is only once
a year, but every day is father's day. When a father comes home,
he only yells 'coffee' and the coffee is there...."

Many a true word said in jest.