Mad politicians or merely 'foot-in-mouth'?

JAKARTA (JP): It would appear that Britain is not the only country unfortunate enough to have been hit recently by devastating outbreaks of contagious disease. But, whereas in Britain the mad cow disease and foot-and-mouth plagues have been mostly confined to livestock thus far, in Indonesia their human variants have become the biggest causes of concern.

There is still, however, some debate in Indonesian medical and scientific circles as to whether the country is in the grip of an epidemic of mad politician disease of unprecedented proportions, or whether the identified symptoms are merely manifestations of the less deadly, but also very damaging, foot-in-mouth disease.

According to one expert, the first intimations of an outbreak of mad politician disease were recorded during a rally at Monas Park in the capital last year when People's Consultative Assembly Speaker Amien Rais condoned the launching of a jihad in Ambon.

"It's always a sign of mad politician disease when public figures start bellowing uncontrollably, especially about such emotive and populist issues," said one medical expert.

However, another expert disagreed, saying, "this was clearly a straightforward case of foot-in-mouth disease as could be seen from the fact that Amien later recanted and denied he had ever said anything about a holy war." However, none of our experts were able to confirm whether Amien's current foaming at the mouth and baying for the President's blood were in any way connected with either of the diseases.

Notwithstanding the lack of unanimity among the experts as to the true nature of the problem, one thing they all agree on is that Indonesia's politicians are very sick people indeed.

Many experts have also expressed the fear that a new variant of mad politician disease could have spread to certain kyai (religious leaders) in East Java. "It is clear that the recent behavior of some clerics and their followers here borders on insanity, what with suicide squads, jihad forces and free-day-out-in-Jakarta squads. I fear that if mad kyai disease is confirmed, there will have to be a mass cull carried out before the entire national herd is infected," said our medical correspondent in Surabaya. However, many doubt whether such a move in East Java would be effective, claiming the time for such measures has long passed.

According to Jakarta resident Bejo (not his real name), the symptoms of mad politician disease were to be seen everywhere. "How come they were surprised by gas stations running out of diesel in Jakarta a couple of weeks ago, even though it was obvious that any factory manager with even an iota of sense was going to buy his diesel at the pumps rather than at twice the price from Pertamina," he asserted. This irrefutably proved that many of the members of the government's economic team were stark, raving bonkers, he added.

Other symptoms of mad politician disease include a persistent inability to grasp fundamental economic realities -- for example, setting the exchange rate assumption in the 2001 budget at about Rp 7,000 to the dollar when the national unit at the time was already trading at Rp 9,000 per dollar and worsening by the day, as well as the stubborn belief that the IMF are a bunch of gullible foreign fools who will keep on dishing out the money till the (hopefully sane) cows come home.

Some economic observers, nevertheless, have claimed that this latter assessment is not so far off the mark.

The country, however, is no stranger to health scares and the people tend to take them in their stride. It is common knowledge that the deadly disease armythrax has long been out of control throughout the archipelago and has led either directly or indirectly to the deaths of countless civilians. "The fear of armythrax is so great to this day that even the coming together of a number of generals for an unannounced meeting almost results in national hysteria, and with good reason," said public health expert Sarimin (not his real name).

When questioned about the possibility of armythrax, military spokesman Colonel Paijo claimed that all such suggestions were part of an insidious plot by "certain parties" to discredit the armed forces, and that "stern measures" would be taken against all such "provocateurs". He also warned that "the people" should not be "easily provoked".

Many are now suggesting that the only answer to the current diseased state of Indonesia's body politic is an across-the-board extermination and immediate burial of all politicians and their camp followers before the situation reaches the point of no return during the upcoming special session of the People's Consultative Assembly.

One expert in communicable diseases disagreed, however, claiming that such a move would be useless. "There would be no point whatsoever in the culling and mass burial of these goons as they're all well-known to be capable of digging their way out of any holes, even ones they've dug for themselves," he concluded pessimistically.

-- James Boyd