Mad politicians or merely 'foot-in-mouth'?

Mad politicians or merely 'foot-in-mouth'?

JAKARTA (JP): It would appear that Britain is not the only
country unfortunate enough to have been hit recently by
devastating outbreaks of contagious disease. But, whereas in
Britain the mad cow disease and foot-and-mouth plagues have been
mostly confined to livestock thus far, in Indonesia their human
variants have become the biggest causes of concern.

There is still, however, some debate in Indonesian medical and
scientific circles as to whether the country is in the grip of an
epidemic of mad politician disease of unprecedented proportions,
or whether the identified symptoms are merely manifestations of
the less deadly, but also very damaging, foot-in-mouth disease.

According to one expert, the first intimations of an outbreak
of mad politician disease were recorded during a rally at Monas
Park in the capital last year when People's Consultative Assembly
Speaker Amien Rais condoned the launching of a jihad in Ambon.

"It's always a sign of mad politician disease when public
figures start bellowing uncontrollably, especially about such
emotive and populist issues," said one medical expert.

However, another expert disagreed, saying, "this was clearly a
straightforward case of foot-in-mouth disease as could be seen
from the fact that Amien later recanted and denied he had ever
said anything about a holy war." However, none of our experts
were able to confirm whether Amien's current foaming at the mouth
and baying for the President's blood were in any way connected
with either of the diseases.

Notwithstanding the lack of unanimity among the experts as to
the true nature of the problem, one thing they all agree on is
that Indonesia's politicians are very sick people indeed.

Many experts have also expressed the fear that a new variant
of mad politician disease could have spread to certain kyai
(religious leaders) in East Java. "It is clear that the recent
behavior of some clerics and their followers here borders on
insanity, what with suicide squads, jihad forces and
free-day-out-in-Jakarta squads. I fear that if mad kyai disease
is confirmed, there will have to be a mass cull carried out
before the entire national herd is infected," said our medical
correspondent in Surabaya. However, many doubt whether such a
move in East Java would be effective, claiming the time for such
measures has long passed.

According to Jakarta resident Bejo (not his real name), the
symptoms of mad politician disease were to be seen everywhere.
"How come they were surprised by gas stations running out of
diesel in Jakarta a couple of weeks ago, even though it was
obvious that any factory manager with even an iota of sense was
going to buy his diesel at the pumps rather than at twice the
price from Pertamina," he asserted. This irrefutably proved that
many of the members of the government's economic team were stark,
raving bonkers, he added.

Other symptoms of mad politician disease include a persistent
inability to grasp fundamental economic realities -- for example,
setting the exchange rate assumption in the 2001 budget at about
Rp 7,000 to the dollar when the national unit at the time was
already trading at Rp 9,000 per dollar and worsening by the day,
as well as the stubborn belief that the IMF are a bunch of
gullible foreign fools who will keep on dishing out the money
till the (hopefully sane) cows come home.

Some economic observers, nevertheless, have claimed that this
latter assessment is not so far off the mark.

The country, however, is no stranger to health scares and the
people tend to take them in their stride. It is common knowledge
that the deadly disease armythrax has long been out of control
throughout the archipelago and has led either directly or
indirectly to the deaths of countless civilians. "The fear of
armythrax is so great to this day that even the coming together
of a number of generals for an unannounced meeting almost results
in national hysteria, and with good reason," said public health
expert Sarimin (not his real name).

When questioned about the possibility of armythrax, military
spokesman Colonel Paijo claimed that all such suggestions were
part of an insidious plot by "certain parties" to discredit the
armed forces, and that "stern measures" would be taken against
all such "provocateurs". He also warned that "the people" should
not be "easily provoked".

Many are now suggesting that the only answer to the current
diseased state of Indonesia's body politic is an across-the-board
extermination and immediate burial of all politicians and their
camp followers before the situation reaches the point of no
return during the upcoming special session of the People's
Consultative Assembly.

One expert in communicable diseases disagreed, however,
claiming that such a move would be useless. "There would be no
point whatsoever in the culling and mass burial of these goons as
they're all well-known to be capable of digging their way out of
any holes, even ones they've dug for themselves," he concluded
pessimistically.

-- James Boyd