Mad cows and fruit flies

Recent events in Indonesia make my head spin! The People's Consultative Assembly (MPR) and House of Representatives (DPR) -- I'm still confused as to which one does what -- seem to be hell bent on creating havoc one way or another and no one really seems to know exactly what their agenda is as a body or as individuals. Various groups, with the fixated mentality of football supporters, threaten each other and throw stones for pro-this and anti-that and meanwhile numerous pseudo-intellectual misfits attempt to rationalize the whole thing and tell us all to either stay calm or start preparing for a civil war.

In a moment of elucidation it occurred to me that there can only be two reasonable explanations. The first one is that the members of the MPR and DPR have been consuming far too much beef for breakfast, lunch and dinner. T-bone, sirloin, rump, fillet and the good old beefburger to mention a few of the likely staples consumed between mud-slinging and arm-flapping sessions. I'm sure they work up an enormous appetite.

Could there be a connection between their extraordinary behavior and the recent fears concerning the mad cow disease, which, I hear is a brain-wasting disease? Indonesia did in fact order thousands of tons of the protein food that is said to be the cause of this particular disease. If indeed this is the case, then it's only a matter of time before the honorable members of the MPR and DPR start dribbling saliva, twitching their flanks and staring vacantly at each other with big watery eyes. This may indeed be an improvement.

The other possibility is based on recent research into the Human Genome. Apparently, humans only have about 30,000 genes instead of 100,000 as we had previously been led to believe. That means that we have only about twice as many genes as a tiny fruit fly! It suddenly occurred to me that if that is the case, then perhaps the honorable MPR and DPR members are genetically modified fruit flies whose sole intent is to take control of Indonesia and its massive reserves of fruit. I can only shudder at the thought -- I've always detested small intrusive insects.

I'm putting my money on the first hypothesis. In the event that my second hypothesis is true then it doesn't bode well for us at all. The fruit flies would control all the fruit stocks and we'd all be forced to eat beef, but perhaps that's just as well.

Whatever the case, I'm sure there are those who could accuse me of eating too much beef too, or of having less genes than a fruit fly. As the joke goes about the two cows in a field, when one cow asks the other, "Hey, aren't you worried about this mad cow disease?" the other cow says, "Why should I worry ... I'm a duck!

JOHN C. TORR

Jakarta