Love your children for who they are

Dear Dr. Donya,

I am writing to you as I have seen that you give sensible answers to everyday problems we have with our kids.

I am an expatriate living in Jakarta and have a three-year-old son. My son although very friendly and outgoing at home is very quiet and keeps to himself at play school. We started him off at a play school early as we wanted to help him socialize better. Being foreigners in this country we do not have close friends and family unlike if we were back home.

His teacher has told me that he is very attentive, eager to learn and obedient but has no interest whatsoever in playing with the other children in the class. I too have observed this. He enjoys playing by himself and despite other children visiting him at home to play with him, he withdraws and prefers to play with his maid or be with me.

I am a full-time mother and have always been around for him. Is it that he prefers adult company? Both my husband and I are very outgoing friendly people but our son is very much a loner. Is this normal? Will this trend reverse in the future? I have tried to encourage him to join others but am not making much progress. Also he has a very good grasp of both the English and Indonesian language and cannot stop talking while at home. But he is shy to reply to others and even in his school he only replies to his teacher if spoken to. He never gets up to any mischief at school.

We bought him a bicycle for his 3rd birthday but he has no interest in riding it. He was very keen on buying it and he chose it himself but he is not very good at it. All his classmates are able to ride a bike (even the girls) but he is not able to and does not want to try. Is this normal? He prefers to play indoors than kick a ball or ride a bike. He also cannot catch a big ball as yet.

He is only 11.5 kilograms and 95 centimeters in height. He dislikes food and so has failed to gain the necessary weight. Do you think that his physical inability is due to his lack of strength? He is on a multivitamin prescribed by his doctor which is supposed to improve his appetite. Is there anything else I could give him? Do you have any suggestion about the kinds of food I could give him ? Thank you very much in advance,

-- Robin

Dear Robin,

I would definitely say your son is normal for his age; for a single child who is with adults most of the time. He is probably bored with other young children. The best way to remedy this is to introduce him to other kids and to be patient.

My son was also the same. In the beginning I was a full-time mother too and he was always with me. He was shy when he met new people but he is getting better.

How long has your son been in school now? He is three years old and each child is different, some are out-going and some are shy.

As for riding a bike, when he is ready he will do it. Do not force or compare him with others, love and enjoy him for who he is. He is a sweet and quiet boy but if you are still in doubt, see a pediatrician and let him/her evaluate your son.

His weight is a concern, I think he is a little small in terms of weight. How about his weight before now, has he stopped gaining weight or has always been low? About his eating, is he picky or has this just changed? He is tall -- 95 cm for a three year old is quite good. There must be some food or fruit that he likes, western or eastern, fruit like watermelon. Most kids love watermelon and banana. His stature will come from his parents, what are you and your husband's weight and height. I am very interested in your son's condition so give me more details and we will follow up so we can work it out. There may be no problem at all. Please let me know; thanks for writing.

-- Dr. Donya