Love is not enough to build a happy marriage

Love is not enough to build a happy marriage

By Rita A. Widiadana

JAKARTA (JP): People often say that quarrels and arguments are
the spices of any marriage. But when they occur in an inter-
racial marriage, they are likely to explode into a marital
disaster, according to experts.

Adriana Ginandjar, a marriage and family therapist at the
University of Indonesia's Applied Psychology Institution,
believes that every married couple will undoubtedly face
problems, ranging from sex and money to children and
communication. And in interracial marriages, there are more
sensitive issues such as different cultural backgrounds and a
wider communication gap that also have to be taken into
consideration, said Adriana, also the marriage consultant for a
local family magazine.

Men and women who enter such a marital relationship must have
a corresponding perception toward their union.

"Many people make a rushed decision to tie the knot with
foreigners just because they are so in love," Adriana said.

But she added that love is not enough of a foundation on which
to build a happy and fulfilling marriage, especially when those
involved come from different cultures.

Fred P. Piercy, a visiting professor of psychology at the
University of Atmajaya, Jakarta, shares the same opinion.

According to Piercy, who with his colleague Norman M. Lobsenz
wrote a book on solving marital problems Stop Marital Fights
Before They Start, a person tends to idealize the image of the
one she or he loves and tends to gloss over differences, or even
deny them in the hope that the other person will change after
marriage (which seldom, if ever, happens). Moreover, a person in
love makes every effort to please the other. As a result, he or
she sometimes pretends to agree with the ideas and attitudes of
the loved one, he said.

Adriana added that extra time is needed by a mixed couple to
learn each other's culture and habits and to weigh up all the
possible consequences, including the legal issues, of getting
married.

"A lot of Indonesian women wed foreigners but they do not
understand the legal procedure. When their marriage collapses,
these women suffer the most because they have a weak bargaining
position," she said.

Marrying a foreigner is becoming increasingly common in this
modern era.

Today, more and more young couples increasingly wed across
social, religious, economic and cultural boundaries. This results
in a growing number of couples whose differences stem from and
are intensified by their dissimilar backgrounds.

Piercy said sources of differences between partners are rooted
in the backgrounds each brings to the marriage. What a person
learns from their parents, teachers, friends -- from the
environment she or he grew up in and experiences -- all become a
part of the way she/he thinks and behaves.

"In an inter-racial marriage, each partner should work harder
to achieve their mutual dreams and expectations," Adriana said.

For instance, an Indonesian woman should actively support her
foreign husband in adjusting to her circle of friends and family.
On the other hand, the foreign husband should also act
accordingly when he introduces his Indonesian wife to his own
community.

She said she has many mixed-marriage clients who had failed to
compromise and to bridge their differences because they lacked
this understanding.

"When they are stuck with their mounting problems, they should
seek professional help," said Adriana.

For troubled mixed-marriage couples, one of the institutions
that may help them solve their marital problems is the
International Community Activity Center on Jl. Kemang Raya 32,
South Jakarta.

The center, established in l975, provides various activities
for expatriate families living in Jakarta.

Irene Walton, the director of marriage and family counseling
at the center, said that she and her staff deal with mixed-
marriage couples whose relationships have become rocky. The
center is also working with related Indonesian agencies dealing
with marital problems.

"They are just like any other couple. Lack of communication
skills is the most common problem," Walton said.

Some couples are lucky enough to be on the same wavelength
from the start. Others must work to learn a partner's language
and its meanings. Some never manage to acquire that skill, she
said.

Walton suggested these couples to set up clear agreements
before or right from the start of their marriage. These should
include how to raise children, who owns what and attitudes to
religion so that they can walk along the same path of life.

"Mutual respect and affection is much more important in
bridging all the differences. They have to accept and appreciate
their dissimilarities to enrich their marital relationship," she
said.