Love is not enough to build a happy marriage

By Rita A. Widiadana

JAKARTA (JP): People often say that quarrels and arguments are the spices of any marriage. But when they occur in an inter- racial marriage, they are likely to explode into a marital disaster, according to experts.

Adriana Ginandjar, a marriage and family therapist at the University of Indonesia's Applied Psychology Institution, believes that every married couple will undoubtedly face problems, ranging from sex and money to children and communication. And in interracial marriages, there are more sensitive issues such as different cultural backgrounds and a wider communication gap that also have to be taken into consideration, said Adriana, also the marriage consultant for a local family magazine.

Men and women who enter such a marital relationship must have a corresponding perception toward their union.

"Many people make a rushed decision to tie the knot with foreigners just because they are so in love," Adriana said.

But she added that love is not enough of a foundation on which to build a happy and fulfilling marriage, especially when those involved come from different cultures.

Fred P. Piercy, a visiting professor of psychology at the University of Atmajaya, Jakarta, shares the same opinion.

According to Piercy, who with his colleague Norman M. Lobsenz wrote a book on solving marital problems Stop Marital Fights Before They Start, a person tends to idealize the image of the one she or he loves and tends to gloss over differences, or even deny them in the hope that the other person will change after marriage (which seldom, if ever, happens). Moreover, a person in love makes every effort to please the other. As a result, he or she sometimes pretends to agree with the ideas and attitudes of the loved one, he said.

Adriana added that extra time is needed by a mixed couple to learn each other's culture and habits and to weigh up all the possible consequences, including the legal issues, of getting married.

"A lot of Indonesian women wed foreigners but they do not understand the legal procedure. When their marriage collapses, these women suffer the most because they have a weak bargaining position," she said.

Marrying a foreigner is becoming increasingly common in this modern era.

Today, more and more young couples increasingly wed across social, religious, economic and cultural boundaries. This results in a growing number of couples whose differences stem from and are intensified by their dissimilar backgrounds.

Piercy said sources of differences between partners are rooted in the backgrounds each brings to the marriage. What a person learns from their parents, teachers, friends -- from the environment she or he grew up in and experiences -- all become a part of the way she/he thinks and behaves.

"In an inter-racial marriage, each partner should work harder to achieve their mutual dreams and expectations," Adriana said.

For instance, an Indonesian woman should actively support her foreign husband in adjusting to her circle of friends and family. On the other hand, the foreign husband should also act accordingly when he introduces his Indonesian wife to his own community.

She said she has many mixed-marriage clients who had failed to compromise and to bridge their differences because they lacked this understanding.

"When they are stuck with their mounting problems, they should seek professional help," said Adriana.

For troubled mixed-marriage couples, one of the institutions that may help them solve their marital problems is the International Community Activity Center on Jl. Kemang Raya 32, South Jakarta.

The center, established in l975, provides various activities for expatriate families living in Jakarta.

Irene Walton, the director of marriage and family counseling at the center, said that she and her staff deal with mixed- marriage couples whose relationships have become rocky. The center is also working with related Indonesian agencies dealing with marital problems.

"They are just like any other couple. Lack of communication skills is the most common problem," Walton said.

Some couples are lucky enough to be on the same wavelength from the start. Others must work to learn a partner's language and its meanings. Some never manage to acquire that skill, she said.

Walton suggested these couples to set up clear agreements before or right from the start of their marriage. These should include how to raise children, who owns what and attitudes to religion so that they can walk along the same path of life.

"Mutual respect and affection is much more important in bridging all the differences. They have to accept and appreciate their dissimilarities to enrich their marital relationship," she said.