Looking for a quick fix for our relationship blues

Aida Greenbury, Contributor, Jakarta

For your information, I was born and spent most of my early life in Yogyakarta. It's a city famed for its culture -- the center of Javanese culture and the place where the sultan resides -- and for the graciousness of its people, its rather exceedingly sweet snacks, its becak trishaws, horse carts, the ever-insistent batik sellers, the dark-skinned long-haired gigolos and other things I can't name.

Aside from the aforementioned slightly intriguing products, Yogyakarta is especially famous for its soft-spoken, gracious, humble ladies of the palace. If you are not so fortunate to get acquainted with them, the ladies of the villages almost measure up.

Don't get me wrong: Though Javanese, I'm nowhere near those "G" spots, as I'm far from any description of "gracious". Perhaps spending a few years of my life in Western European countries, associating with the expatriate community in Jakarta and the fact that I am married to somebody from down under have depleted, or worse, nipped the Javanese trait from my blood.

Knowing that background, my Irish buddy and I were involved in the following conversation one sunny day:

"Aida, do you have any sisters who might be interested in having a relationship with a foreigner?" he asked me. Mind you, this friend of mine had been burned by a long-standing relationship with a gal from his hometown.

"Nope. Both my sisters are already happily married. One is married to an East Javanese and the other to a complete d***head from Jakarta. Even if I did still have an available sister, I doubt that she would be interested in getting involved with a foreigner," I said.

"My family is still quite traditional. I'm the only strange case in the family who has a taste for 'white meat'. You should be aiming at the 'foreigner-chaser families'. I know a couple of families all of whose daughters were married off to foreigners. Do you want their phone numbers?"

I took a deep breath after such a lengthy explanation. I don't remember how many times I have exercised the same litany to my male Western friends.

"No, that's exactly the problem. I want somebody traditional. I want to go back to Ireland with a humble, gracious, Javanese princess. I don't want a woman like you. Geez Aida, the lot like you is abundant in my country. No offense.

"Well, they are not really exactly like you. The point is -- wait I have an idea."

He abruptly stopped talking and looked at me with mischief in his eyes. I didn't like that look.

Since I love my friend dearly, I had no heart to refuse his request. That afternoon, I wrote an ad, to be published in the local Yogyakarta newspaper Kedaulatan Rakyat. Written in Indonesian, the ad said:

"Good-looking, nice, patient, nontemperamental Irishman is looking for a traditional, humble and gracious lady from Yogyakarta for a serious relationship. Please send a letter with your background information and recent photos to:..."

Of course since my delightful friend wanted to keep his identity secret, he asked me to put my address on the ad. And not to forget, he also asked me to go through the "application' letters and sort them out according to his taste. I told him that he owed me three bottles of good Tawny Port for that.

A week passed, and we received hundreds of letters from Yogyakarta. The letters were from women of various professions -- single mothers, tourist guides, career women, servants, farmers, prostitutes, students in their junior high school uniforms.

They sent photos of themselves posing in traditional outfits or merely standing in front of a kampong home. One photo befuddled me though, showing a girl wearing a black belt karate uniform, acting out a deadly kick. Wait -- a traditional girl and a black belt? Duh?

The results were not successful. Shortly after the ad was published, my buddy found a prospective traditional girlfriend from Jakarta and he didn't pursue any of those applicants any further. I felt a bit guilty for helping him sow such hopes for the women.

A couple of days ago, I received a letter from a woman who had read my published articles. To make a long story short, basically she explained that she recently had been through a divorce, she was fed up with Indonesian men and asked my opinion on how to get to know and eventually marry a foreigner.

With the intention of living happily ever after.

I just don't get it: Why do some people think that changing their old partners with new partners who have different skin colors and cultural backgrounds will magically solve all the problems of former relationships?

And is there anyone out there who can prove that an Indonesian love partner for a Westerner will fix all marital/relationship problems?

It's like when someone is ill; one doesn't choose a medicine based on the color of its box, but based on the efficacy of the ingredients of the medicine. And one doesn't get completely cured by only taking the medicine, without trying to live a healthier lifestyle.

Quite simply, one should not choose a partner based on her or his skin color, or nationality, or the cultural assumptions one makes about him or her, but it should be based on his or her personality.

And if one has problems with one's partner, there are two things to fix: the partner and oneself.