Listen up: TV gossip shows are towers of babble

I barely watch television, as what local stations offer is unbearably trashy, and I can't afford cable.

However, when I have nothing else to do at home and find time to channel surf, I'm not embarrassed to tell that I always opt to watch the gossip shows.

Oh, come on, what else is there to choose from? The silly mystery shows? The (literally) bloody crime reports? Ridiculous and offensive-to-any-breathing-and-living-creature soap operas? The unbelievable reality shows?

Even the 24-hour music channel is boring -- full of bubble gum pop, corny, angsty rock and posers (including the VJs).

So, why not dig into the juicy tidbits of the lives of the rich and famous?

I often don't recognize the here-today-gone-tomorrow "famous" folk featured on the shows, and it is also a headscratcher to me why anyone would want to be a celebrity right now.

Still, I take some joy in witnessing that combination of fame, fortune and beauty does not jack up one's IQ points, or instill a measure of good taste.

Mocking these people from the comfort of my living room has become a form of escapism for bitchy me, and apparently for others as well, because the gossip shows get good ratings.

There are now 40 of their ilk on nine private TV stations, with state-run TVRI the sole gossip-free zone.

It was not until I got sick and was forced to stay home for several days that I got to see how absurd the shows really are.

Instead of trying to be different, they follow the same pattern: The angles are pat and predictable, and the comments of the hosts are inane, and often sexist.

So, I got to thinking -- how to upgrade the shows to a higher level of babble: Straight Talking: Stop asking single or obviously gay celebrities ("he's 55 and still looking for love, living quietly with his poodle Fifi ...") when they will get married. And quit nagging married couples when they will have kids. Also, spreading unfounded divorce or breakup rumors only serves to show your tackiness. Dish the Dirt: It's a gossip show, so none of this half-baked stuff, please. We want all the dirty laundry -- stained, torn and faded -- washed in public! We want to know who has used the casting couch to climb to stardom, who has been nipped and tucked and whether it's true that Krisdayanti's monthly makeup expenditure is equivalent to the annual budget of a small Central Java regency. Needle Points: Offer a few well-placed verbal jabs at celebrities who are famous for being famous, holier than thou, experts at self-aggrandizement, etc. Basically, mock them all!

For instance, in the case of actress/singer Dewi Yull divorcing actor Ray Sahetapy, everyone knows that the other woman is older, and richer. Instead of pitting the two women against each other, somebody should ask Ray when was the last time he actually worked for a living. Plumb the Depths: Go to reliable and relevant sources; interviewing the religious tutor of Ray's mistress' children will sure make her famous in her neighborhood, but it gets you nowhere in finding out the truth of the matter. Different Strokes. As a start on being a more creative, get pointers from E! Entertainment. Take a look at the worst celebrity makeover, the best kept secret, the fat salaries and high cost of maintenance, the competition among local divas, etc, all done with a healthy dose of sarcasm. Discretionary Power: Get the story, yes, but it's still crucial to remain ethical when reporting on issues like rape, drug addiction and HIV/AIDS. The coverage of the rape case involving teen heartthrob Faisal, for instance, was biased, star-struck and blatantly sexist.

I know that the critics and moralists want to banish the shows from the airwaves. I say no; there is an audience for them. And it has to be said that they reflect who we are as a people: Nosy, fickle, uncreative, judgmental and apolitical. We get the leaders we deserve, and the same goes for our TV shows.

-- Indira Husin