Letting go isn't what you think

Rahayu Ratnaningsih, Contributor, Jakarta

We live in a world of ongoing battles, in a world where appearances matter more than substance. That's why we are celebrity-struck; movie stars, musicians, models, TV personalities, make more buzz and often much more money than their real contribution to the world and more than other people who offer more than just their looks or image.

When you are overweight, your battle is to lose weight. When you are in shape, your battle is to look better than just above average. When you have that six-pack tummy, your battle is to keep looking that way; the battle to discipline yourself to only eat "right" foods and avoid "wrong," unfortunately more palatable, foods.

Then when you are a nobody, your battle is to be a somebody. When you eventually become a somebody, your battle is then to climb the ladder to sit together with those more-talked about dignitaries of the field. Then you may be hot for a while for what you do, but the heat dies down often sooner than later then you once again reach the unheard-of zone. Then the battle starts all over again.

And when you are a somebody, another battle presents itself, i.e. the battle to find love to complete your near-perfect life. When you do find love, the battle is to stay in love, to stay attracted and attractive to your partner, to keep the flame, to shun the relentless temptations to stray. When love is falling apart, the battle is then to get over it and to start all over again.

Even when you've got up there, to the place you always wanted to be in, it really isn't what it's cracked up to be. Things always seem more alluring on the way up there simply because you are not there. It's called the grass-is-greener effect. Once you are there, you'll ask, is that it? Now that it's a part of you, it's really not that big a deal. Surely you are familiar with this yourself, it's even enshrined in the law of diminishing return. It's even often less worthy than the ordinary, common things you used to look down on or take for granted. The exhilaration just doesn't last. The good thing is that so now you know, so there is no what-if. Been there done that. Now move on to a new battle: a new, presumably bigger and better piece of pie to win. You get what I mean.

It's OK if you love yourself for doing it, if you enjoy your life while getting to that new destination. But for most people a battle is exactly that: a battle, with a lot more heartaches, self-pity, self-loathing, anxiety and disillusionment than fun, joy and fulfillment. We have been brainwashed to always want -- bigger, more, better -- but never taught the virtue of letting go. Letting go sounds like defeat, sounds like giving up, sounds like losing and there is no place for a loser in our world. The only worthy purpose of living is to win. It's a zero-sum game. Be a winner or a nobody.

Wanting equals suffering, there is no need to be uneasy about stating just that. Desire hurts by definition because it means you don't have what you want. We've seen enough to be unapologetically honest about it. In our culture, though, you'll be treated as an outcast if you bluntly state the obvious. "O you are so negative and pessimistic, without desire how could we have progressed as a human race?" The question is, really, can we want without the emotional complications that usually go with it?

Wanting creates tension and emotional knots. Freedom is when you feel fine with yourself the way things are here and now. Letting go, however, doesn't mean laziness or indifference. Letting go doesn't equal foregoing effort or inaction. It's not the goal you are giving up but the craving and unwholesome state of mind: it's your discomfort, absence of peace and unhappiness caused by your attachment and delusion -- but sadly a lot of desires spring from this delusion in the first place. Whether you are successful or not, famous or not, rich or not, is only a matter of opinion, perception or appearance, but whether you are happy with yourself and your life now is what defines true success and accomplishment in life. And if you can make a little contribution to other people's happiness, then you belong to the small percentage of the most fortunate people on earth!

Letting go is, thus, the wisdom of knowing that at the end of the day nothing really matters, but love and forgiveness and the act of letting go itself. On your deathbed you won't worry about the fact that you never had that Fabio' six-pack tummy or Donald Trump's catalog-order-like bride, or even his cheesy, ornate penthouse. You won't think, "I wish I had taken up the pole dancing class on top of yoga, tae bo and pilates." Or "I wish I had gone to parties and events more so I would have made more contacts and connections." Hey, who cares?

So you constantly meet a thick brick wall you need to penetrate or crumble to get to where you want to, and you have been banging your head against it one time too many. Hey, why don't you just let go? You shouldn't give up if you don't want to, but you have to release those knots in your mind and heart so you can move on with ease. It hurt you to bang your head 10 years ago, it hurt you yesterday and it still hurts now. What's the probability that it won't hurt tomorrow? Don't you get it? Clutching doesn't work. Has it never occurred to you that maybe, just maybe, letting go is the answer? Instead of being so conditioned by a limited repertoire of responses that perpetuates your feeling of worthlessness, letting go creates a space that opens up more flexibility, possibilities and a wider variety of meanings and perspectives you were previously unfamiliar with. And it brings about a liberating realization that, no matter what, you always have a choice over how to respond to situations that help you, not only to cope with difficulties, but also to overcome them to get to that coveted place up on the hill surrounded by brick walls.

The writer is the director of the Satori Foundation, www.satorifoundation.org, and author of three books. E-mail: satori@cbn.net.id