Letters to the governor from 'Bambang' a deer
Letters to the governor from 'Bambang' a deer
Daniel Ziv, Contributor, Jakarta
Last year Governor Sutiyoso moved 12 spotted deer into the newly
gated grounds of the National Monument (Monas) in a bold attempt
to beautify the city's largest park. Bambang, one of the deer,
recently wrote a series of letters to the governor sharing some
of his daily thoughts and experiences. The following is a
selection from these letters.
Dear Governor Sutiyoso,
Yesterday I was moping around with my friend Daud -- we were
slurping from some discarded bottles of red Fanta -- when we were
suddenly approached by a tourist from Malang. He seemed alarmed
to encounter deer in the center of town and he asked us how we
got here.
I answered, "I'm basically a gubernatorial appointment." The
tourist looked confused, but old Daud and me were pissing in our
hoofs, our paws rattling on the dry dirt like a Sukhoi before an
air show.
"A political appointee!" I said, "Get it?"
Daud had lost control by this point and the red Fanta rose up
through his snout and spilled out all over this homeless guy
who's always talking to himself.
What I'd like you to know is this, Governor: We are not just
here to make your park beautiful. We are exceptionally funny, and
we unselfishly share our unique brand of comedic art with
ordinary passersby. We are the Seinfelds of Jakarta's ornamental
outdoor spaces. And each morning, rain or shine or smog, we wake
up and do our thing all over again.
I salute you with a proud deer salute.
Bambang
Dear Governor Sutiyoso,
You are Pharaoh. You are Sukarno. You are Jayavarman II. You are a monument
meister who does monuments like he means it -- a rare breed in
this unspectacular day and age. I saw what you just did with the
new statue of Sudirman.
People will criticize, but Sir, my Monas deer friends and I
understand what you were trying to do with those black marble
cubes set in the middle of the grassy traffic island.
And we know how you refurbished the fountain at Hotel
Indonesia traffic circle. We know, and we long to sip from its
cool, sparkling, neon-tinted waters. We long to dive in and swim
around in circles to the tune of the Doobie Brothers' Takin' it
to the Streets and wave to the traffic around us and feel more
cosmopolitan and alive than any other deer on earth!
You'll be interested to know that the dude who normally brings
us animal fodder in his blue truck hasn't turned up in nearly a
week. But there is plenty for us out here, Sir. We've learned to
improvise, and it turns out the late night bakso meatball stuff
that we find in back of the pushcarts is pretty tasty.
I prefer beef bakso (meatballs) because the one they call
"seafood" is way too chewy and smells suspiciously like pork. The
other day Daud had a few too many and began hurling all over the
place, right next to the folks doing tai chi! A little girl had
to come over and give him tons of water. I won't say I didn't
laugh. I swear Daud is so stupid sometimes.
Don't worry about responding to this one, Sir. And forgive me
for this rant. I know you have a city to run. A very big city
faced with many challenges.
Over and out for now,
Bambang
Dear Sir,
You are no doubt having a super-busy week and I am just a
spotted deer, but I beg a moment of your time so that I can
congratulate you on getting the next annual municipal budget
approved. Good job! You are more than just Pharaoh, Sir, you are
like a modern-day Marco Polo because apparently city council is
getting over $1 million for overseas study trips! Well done.
Here's something. This morning I woke up and there were
loudspeakers blaring from every direction and, to be frank, it
scared the living hell out of me because it felt like the horn of
an 18-wheel truck had lodged inside my left ear and wouldn't get
out. It was like "Wooaauu!!! Wooaauu!!! Wooaauu!!!" for about 20
minutes until changing to a shrieking sort of "Reeeooo! Reeeooo!
Reeeooo!" and I can't even tell you how annoying that was.
Then I discovered all the noise was part of a security drill.
So many security officers everywhere, Sir. So many uniformed
guys. Their uniforms were very tight and suddenly Daud started
darting up and down the monument square like a Brimob cadet on
steroids. I'm pretty sure Daud is into men, but of course you
can't even talk to him about stuff like that.
If you're planning a study trip to Bogota to review their
busway system again, you must not miss the huge Unicentro
Shopping Mall in North Bogota. It has not just an amazing food
court but, on the ground floor right next to the DeOro Galeria, a
huge Prada boutique that nearly always offers 15 percent off
their newest products.
You can find -- and I'm not messing with your head here, Sir
-- top grade handbags, briefcases and ladies purses for as little
as US$700, and as a tourist you don't even pay sales tax!
Mr. Governor I salute your considerable vision.
See you on Thursday, maybe?
Bambang
Deer (notice my pun, Sir) Governor Sutiyoso,
Yesterday we had a bit of a Bad Experience. My friend Daud --
I know, I know, don't get me started on him again -- picked up a
still-burning kretek cigarette from next to our compound fence
and decided to demonstrate his coolness to the other deer in our
group.
He took a few drags, made strange sucking sounds, and before
we knew it small pales of smoke emerged from his ears! So most of
us are freaking out at this point, thinking Daud is pretty much
on fire, and suddenly these tourists appear and start taking
pictures, and one of the ladies dares her husband to light up a
cigarette and pose next to Daud, and the whole thing was just so
crazy, Sir.
The lady had a digital camera, though, so when things calmed
down we got to see ourselves on the little screen.
Here's a tune we sometimes sing in late afternoon, when the
light is soft and fuzzy:
I'm a survivor
I'm not gon' give up
I'm not gon' stop
I'm gon' work harder
I'm a survivor
I'm gonna make it
I will survive
Keep on surviving
Sir, that'll be all from me for now.
Viva transmigration!
Bambang
Dear Governor,
The subject of games played by deer might not seem a high
priority given your ultra-packed schedule at the moment, but
please bear with me as I tell you about a really great one we
like to play.
Since the compound you assigned us is at the edge of Monas
Park, our fence sits right on Jl. Merdeka Selatan, where some of
the city's heaviest traffic whizzes by pretty much around the
clock. We're seriously in the heart of the action!
Anyway, the game is called "Cough Cough Spew Punch" and it
goes like this: One of us has to stand spread-eagled with his
antlers pressed right up against the fence, facing the traffic.
He must watch everything going on out there, and try to describe
the vehicles as they zip by in quick succession.
A good player would sound something like "red-car-blue-vespa-
green-bus-dead-dog-yellow-bike-brown-cart-blue-cab-dirty-cop-
orange-bajaj..." and so on, you get the point.
The challenge here is to breath smoothly and be clear-headed
enough to keep it up for as long as possible, because traffic
fumes gradually enter the player's system, causing delirium and
gradually wearing down the vocal chords. The first sign is
usually just a persistent cough, but after further exposure, it
becomes a more violent spew accompanied by some hilarious sounds
and a real throbbing in the chest!
When the player spews uncontrollably, it means his time is up
and the other players get to punch the crap out of him for
sounding so ridiculous. (Daud once lasted for over two hours,
until we discovered he had stuffed an Indomie bag up his left
nostril. Boy did he get punched after that!)
We normally play during weekday rush hour when traffic is
heaviest.
Respect,
Bambang
The writer was founding editor of Djakarta! - The City Life
Magazine, and is the author of Jakarta Inside Out. His second
book, Bangkok Inside Out, will be published in September by
Equinox.