Letters to the governor from 'Bambang' a deer
Daniel Ziv, Contributor, Jakarta
Last year Governor Sutiyoso moved 12 spotted deer into the newly gated grounds of the National Monument (Monas) in a bold attempt to beautify the city's largest park. Bambang, one of the deer, recently wrote a series of letters to the governor sharing some of his daily thoughts and experiences. The following is a selection from these letters.
Dear Governor Sutiyoso,
Yesterday I was moping around with my friend Daud -- we were slurping from some discarded bottles of red Fanta -- when we were suddenly approached by a tourist from Malang. He seemed alarmed to encounter deer in the center of town and he asked us how we got here.
I answered, "I'm basically a gubernatorial appointment." The tourist looked confused, but old Daud and me were pissing in our hoofs, our paws rattling on the dry dirt like a Sukhoi before an air show.
"A political appointee!" I said, "Get it?"
Daud had lost control by this point and the red Fanta rose up through his snout and spilled out all over this homeless guy who's always talking to himself.
What I'd like you to know is this, Governor: We are not just here to make your park beautiful. We are exceptionally funny, and we unselfishly share our unique brand of comedic art with ordinary passersby. We are the Seinfelds of Jakarta's ornamental outdoor spaces. And each morning, rain or shine or smog, we wake up and do our thing all over again.
I salute you with a proud deer salute.
Bambang
Dear Governor Sutiyoso,
You are Pharaoh. You are Sukarno. You are Jayavarman II. You are a monument meister who does monuments like he means it -- a rare breed in this unspectacular day and age. I saw what you just did with the new statue of Sudirman.
People will criticize, but Sir, my Monas deer friends and I understand what you were trying to do with those black marble cubes set in the middle of the grassy traffic island.
And we know how you refurbished the fountain at Hotel Indonesia traffic circle. We know, and we long to sip from its cool, sparkling, neon-tinted waters. We long to dive in and swim around in circles to the tune of the Doobie Brothers' Takin' it to the Streets and wave to the traffic around us and feel more cosmopolitan and alive than any other deer on earth!
You'll be interested to know that the dude who normally brings us animal fodder in his blue truck hasn't turned up in nearly a week. But there is plenty for us out here, Sir. We've learned to improvise, and it turns out the late night bakso meatball stuff that we find in back of the pushcarts is pretty tasty.
I prefer beef bakso (meatballs) because the one they call "seafood" is way too chewy and smells suspiciously like pork. The other day Daud had a few too many and began hurling all over the place, right next to the folks doing tai chi! A little girl had to come over and give him tons of water. I won't say I didn't laugh. I swear Daud is so stupid sometimes.
Don't worry about responding to this one, Sir. And forgive me for this rant. I know you have a city to run. A very big city faced with many challenges.
Over and out for now,
Bambang
Dear Sir,
You are no doubt having a super-busy week and I am just a spotted deer, but I beg a moment of your time so that I can congratulate you on getting the next annual municipal budget approved. Good job! You are more than just Pharaoh, Sir, you are like a modern-day Marco Polo because apparently city council is getting over $1 million for overseas study trips! Well done.
Here's something. This morning I woke up and there were loudspeakers blaring from every direction and, to be frank, it scared the living hell out of me because it felt like the horn of an 18-wheel truck had lodged inside my left ear and wouldn't get out. It was like "Wooaauu!!! Wooaauu!!! Wooaauu!!!" for about 20 minutes until changing to a shrieking sort of "Reeeooo! Reeeooo! Reeeooo!" and I can't even tell you how annoying that was.
Then I discovered all the noise was part of a security drill. So many security officers everywhere, Sir. So many uniformed guys. Their uniforms were very tight and suddenly Daud started darting up and down the monument square like a Brimob cadet on steroids. I'm pretty sure Daud is into men, but of course you can't even talk to him about stuff like that.
If you're planning a study trip to Bogota to review their busway system again, you must not miss the huge Unicentro Shopping Mall in North Bogota. It has not just an amazing food court but, on the ground floor right next to the DeOro Galeria, a huge Prada boutique that nearly always offers 15 percent off their newest products.
You can find -- and I'm not messing with your head here, Sir -- top grade handbags, briefcases and ladies purses for as little as US$700, and as a tourist you don't even pay sales tax!
Mr. Governor I salute your considerable vision.
See you on Thursday, maybe?
Bambang
Deer (notice my pun, Sir) Governor Sutiyoso,
Yesterday we had a bit of a Bad Experience. My friend Daud -- I know, I know, don't get me started on him again -- picked up a still-burning kretek cigarette from next to our compound fence and decided to demonstrate his coolness to the other deer in our group.
He took a few drags, made strange sucking sounds, and before we knew it small pales of smoke emerged from his ears! So most of us are freaking out at this point, thinking Daud is pretty much on fire, and suddenly these tourists appear and start taking pictures, and one of the ladies dares her husband to light up a cigarette and pose next to Daud, and the whole thing was just so crazy, Sir.
The lady had a digital camera, though, so when things calmed down we got to see ourselves on the little screen.
Here's a tune we sometimes sing in late afternoon, when the light is soft and fuzzy:
I'm a survivor I'm not gon' give up I'm not gon' stop I'm gon' work harder I'm a survivor I'm gonna make it I will survive Keep on surviving
Sir, that'll be all from me for now.
Viva transmigration!
Bambang
Dear Governor,
The subject of games played by deer might not seem a high priority given your ultra-packed schedule at the moment, but please bear with me as I tell you about a really great one we like to play.
Since the compound you assigned us is at the edge of Monas Park, our fence sits right on Jl. Merdeka Selatan, where some of the city's heaviest traffic whizzes by pretty much around the clock. We're seriously in the heart of the action!
Anyway, the game is called "Cough Cough Spew Punch" and it goes like this: One of us has to stand spread-eagled with his antlers pressed right up against the fence, facing the traffic. He must watch everything going on out there, and try to describe the vehicles as they zip by in quick succession.
A good player would sound something like "red-car-blue-vespa- green-bus-dead-dog-yellow-bike-brown-cart-blue-cab-dirty-cop- orange-bajaj..." and so on, you get the point.
The challenge here is to breath smoothly and be clear-headed enough to keep it up for as long as possible, because traffic fumes gradually enter the player's system, causing delirium and gradually wearing down the vocal chords. The first sign is usually just a persistent cough, but after further exposure, it becomes a more violent spew accompanied by some hilarious sounds and a real throbbing in the chest!
When the player spews uncontrollably, it means his time is up and the other players get to punch the crap out of him for sounding so ridiculous. (Daud once lasted for over two hours, until we discovered he had stuffed an Indomie bag up his left nostril. Boy did he get punched after that!)
We normally play during weekday rush hour when traffic is heaviest.
Respect,
Bambang
The writer was founding editor of Djakarta! - The City Life Magazine, and is the author of Jakarta Inside Out. His second book, Bangkok Inside Out, will be published in September by Equinox.