Lessons on peace begin at home
JAKARTA (JP): "Do men ever listen?" is an often heard lament from housewives about their husbands. Here's overwhelming proof that men not only listen, but listen with their brains, too.
A scientific study conducted by the Indiana University School of Medicine on the brain activities of men and women confirmed "men listen with only one side of their brains while women use both sides" (The Jakarta Post, Dec. 2, 2000). There was, however, no conclusive evidence that one sex listens better than the other.
My own "observations" of married couples over the years lead me to believe that men might be listening, for the sake of marital bliss, with only one ear. I suspect that this must be especially true of Indian husbands, though it may be universally applicable.
Considering the low rate of divorces in India, I reckon that Indian men must be adept practitioners of this "art". When the wife speaks up, the "man on the spot" uses his left or right ear, depending on the "distance" from his "better half". Only by "listening" in this manner can he ever hope to remain on "speaking terms" with his partner.
As a corollary to this "hearing defect", many husbands don't "leave" for their offices in the mornings, but "escape" from nagging wives. Needless to say, husbands "run" to their offices but just "go" home in the evenings.
Of course, one must concede that the reverse can be entirely true in households where both men and women work outside of the home. "What a pain in the neck husbands can be," I can hear hapless wives murmuring in the distance.
Well, friends, please don't take the above comments too seriously. They are only a humorous way of looking at things "differently" (lateral thinking, perhaps).
Indeed, what matters most in a marriage is that reactive communication should be avoided. We don't need to counter each and every opinion of our partner. Home is not a place to score points. Keeping "mum" is a good tactic. As they say, "When one will not, two cannot quarrel." Only by clapping with two hands can noise be produced.
Silence doesn't mean that you agree with whatever is being said. "Still", silence helps in cooling down the atmosphere. Incidentally, notice that the words "listen" and "silent" contain the same letters.
Silence, however, can't be carried too far. Bottled up emotions are sure recipes for mental stress. In fact, a friend of mine uses a punching bag at home to relieve his daily stresses. Writing in diaries is one way to "get it off your chest". Relaxation and meditation are also useful to calm our minds.
Long-time married couples know it is futile to try and convince a partner who is stubbornly clinging to his or her "position". You can wake up a sleeping person, but not someone who is pretending to be asleep.
We must not lose sight of another aspect of marriage. Expectations and reality are different. When the "sexessful" honeymoon period wears off, the revelation dawns on you that the person you married is not the one you visualized before the wedding. This is because married couples come from different families and different backgrounds, and values don't necessarily match.
To quote Andre de Mission, the French writer, "You study one another for three weeks, you love each other for three months, you fight for three years and you tolerate the situation for 30." No wonder marriage has been compared to a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering!
Family means "togetherness", having similar perceptions, at least on common issues. Often, during husband-wife feuds, a "win-lose" syndrome takes over, resulting in continuous bickering. A collision of egos also stands in the way of rapprochement. It takes two hands to applaud. We invariably expect the other partner to understand us first. Honestly, how many of us are willing to say "sorry" to our spouses (even if we are wrong)?
Every day is a new day, another lovely day to look forward to. Let it be a new beginning. Wish a "good morning" in all sincerity to your spouse. Don't start off on an ego trip, which gets you nowhere.
A "happy home" is a conscious and continuous effort. The difference between a "house" and a "home" is this. A house is a structure made out of bricks, mortar and cement. Home, on the other hand, is a place where relationships blossom and happiness rules. Or at least, that's what it should be!
A good family life is never an accident -- it's an achievement. Family first? Yes, indeed. This doesn't mean, however, that we can shirk our responsibilities toward others. Charity begins at home, but it never ends there.
Home is the most important unit of civilization, so let the "Peace Movement" begin from our homes and spread its wings across the community and the world.
-- D. Chandramouli