Lesbians in Indonesia are living in the shadows

Lesbians in Indonesia are living in the shadows

Christiani Tumelap, Contributor, Jakarta

You might be able to keep all your moral and religious
objections to yourself when it comes to a lesbian acquaintance at
work or college, and treat them as you would any other female
colleague.

But it is impossible to hide the shock and disappointment when
you find out your own sister is a lesbian, said Retno, referring
to her experience with her sister, whom she called Adek.

"I assume several friends of mine are lesbians but we get
along quite well since we mind our own business. But she's my
sister. I mean, she knew it was against our religious
teachings ... I still love my sister, I really feel sorry for
her. But I just can't understand why she became a lesbian," Retno
said.

As in many other countries, the close-knit, family oriented
Indonesian society does not tolerate homosexuality. Nevertheless,
it tends to exercise a double-standard approach when it comes to
lesbians and gays.

"(People consider) it (homosexuality) to be wrong, but many
tend to 'accept' a homosexual as a friend as long as the person
keeps her or his business private. But when it happens in their
own family, people switch their stance to the negative," said Ida
Ruwaida Noor, a sociologist at the University of Indonesia.

"Lesbians find themselves rejected. Society believes that if a
women has emotional and sexual feelings for the same sex, it is
deviant behavior or a sexual disorder. These women are sometimes
even considered to be suffering from a mental or social disease,"
said Ida, who runs a gender and sexuality program at the
university.

Aware these beliefs exist among much of society, most lesbians
in the country maintain a low profile, if not completely hiding
their homosexuality.

It is difficult enough for women to accept the fact that they
are attracted to women, but it is even harder trying to decide
whether and whom to come out to, said Mia, 30.

"When I found out I was a lesbian, I tried hard to deny it,
telling myself not to do something that is prohibited by my
religion. Tired of the self-denial, though, I pulled myself
together and tried to find a way to tell my mother. But I decided
it was best not to tell her when she expressed her strong
disapproval when I talked about an 'imaginary' lesbian friend,"
she said.

Permata, 36, first felt emotionally attracted to a girl when
she was 12.

"At first, I didn't know that it was wrong. When I later
learned that it was wrong, I felt guilty ... But I don't want to
deny my feelings. I did not choose to become a lesbian, it's just
the way it is. Now, as long as I don't harm anyone, I don't feel
guilty anymore," she said.

She first expressed her feelings to a woman she was attracted
to when she was 20. But she has not told her family or friends
about her sexual orientation.

Many lesbians, for a variety of reasons, engage in
relationships with men at some time or another.

"About 10 years ago I dated a man for about three years. All
that I felt was some togetherness, no love, no sexual desire.
Since then, I have never wanted to deny my feelings or force
myself to get into a relationship with a man," Permata said.

Mia, whose family lives in another city, says she has a
girlfriend who sometimes sleeps over at her house.

"She also hasn't come out and she still lives with her
parents. We never show our feelings for each other in public, but
I think her parents are starting to guess that there's something
going on with their daughter."

She says several people who suspected she was a lesbian cut
off contact with her, while others have remained friends. "But I
guess they also talk behind my back sometimes."

Mia was not comfortable describing her relationship with her
partner, only saying, "I assume the role of the man. We go to
work and live a normal life like straight people."

There is no universally accepted scientific explanation for
why some women become lesbians.

Ida says some experts suggest it has something to do with
hormones, while others regard it more as the result of a woman's
environment.

"Objectively, the second assumption is the more dominant
factor, especially among radical feminists who choose to be
homosexual. They refuse the presence of men in their lives
because the latter are thought to exploit women with their
penises," she said.

There is very little research on lesbians in Indonesia, mainly
because, compared to the gay community, lesbians tend to gather
in a rather closed and exclusive group, which is related to
society's lack of acceptance, Ida said.

There are few lesbian groups in Indonesia, all of which
try to provide a medium for communication between lesbians as
well as to reduce isolation and stimulate a broader and fairer
discussion of the issue.