Knowing when to send children to school
Dear Dr. Donya,
I hope you could give me your advice regarding my daughter who is going to be three years old in October.
In January this year, she went to a nursery school three times a week, for two hours, starting at 10 a.m. From the very beginning she never cried in class, even though most of the other children were crying. She did not seem bothered by the others crying at all and found it easy to go to school.
From the beginning, I never stayed with her in class. But as the school is at a house, she could see me anytime she was out of the classroom. However, she never came to me. She seemed to be independent and her teachers said so.
After six months at the nursery, we put her in a real school. Now she has to wake up early from Monday to Friday. Her classes start at 7:45 a.m. and finish at 11 a.m.
At first, she was eager to go to this new school.
On the first day, everything went well. She woke up early in the morning, happy and fresh. As it was the first day, the teachers allowed parents to stay with their children. But I didn't accompany her inside the room, I just waited for her outside and it was okay, although many other children were crying.
On the second day, parents were absent from the class and this made more children cry, including, this time, my daughter. When I asked her what made her cry, at first she said she was feeling sad because everybody else was crying. Later on, she said she was afraid of the crescent moon picture on the wall in her classroom, but I know that she has always liked that kind of picture.
Actually, when she gets back home, she is okay and happy. But up till now, she has still been crying and it is getting worse as she does not want to go to school. Today, it was so difficult to persuade her to get up and get ready for school. I am not sure if I should just let her stay at home or make her go to school no matter what.
But when I "forced" her to go, she cried all the way, making me worried that she would be traumatized by the experience and end up hating school.
I feel sad and don't know what is the best way to deal with a child of her age in this situation. I hope you can advise me on the matter.
-- Budi
Dear Budi,
If it makes you feel any better, I am sure that you are not the only parent that has to deal with their child acting up when it concerns going to school. I personally think three-year- olds are too young for real school. I still do not get it. Why is there such a hurry to send kids to school.
As for your child, I believe that the other kids crying triggered her response. Most kids cry when starting school. When time passes, the crying fades but as regards your daughter's reaction, is there any sign of depression? Any illness? If she acts fine at home, you have choices.
1. Wait until she gets older. I started school at five and I am waiting for my son to be five years old before sending him to school. I believe that the first five years is the "golden time" when children most need their parents. But after five years, they will be interested in socializing and will be mature enough to appreciate school.
2. Let her go to school and be with her at the beginning and then gradually fade away little by little. She will cry but she will get the idea that you are with her and still love her. She will understand that she has to go to school and when she comes home she still has a mom and dad. She will understand that you are not going anywhere and that you love her.
I hope this helps you. If there is anything else I can do, please let me know.
-- Dr. Donya
Dear Dr. Donya,
Our daughter is almost four and a half years old and she still will not go to the toilet at home.
We have tried to be patient, supportive and understanding but we are starting to get a bit worried. She will use toilets in other people's homes but not ours.
Do you have any advice, or can you recommend a book on the subject?
-- R.J.
Dear R.J.,
Is she the only child you have? If she is four and a half years old and has not been fully toilet-trained then that is cause for concern. So, she can go to the toilet when she is in a stranger's home but not her own. Does it mean she is still using diapers? How do you manage her? She has bowel movements but does not let you know, or she wants you to go with her? I am afraid that I will need more information before I can answer your question.
Any conflict? Any problems at school? Does she go to school? How does she act when she is in school? If she only has problems when she is at home then you have to look for a reason why?
Please give me more information. I am waiting for your answer.
-- Dr. Donya