JP/1/CHANDRA

Blessed absentmindedness

A human brain is a versatile organ and no computer can duplicate its myriad functions, to paraphrase Reader's Digest. In spite of this we are assailed with forgetfulness, which proves to be very convenient at times.

This temporary amnesia that affects all of us from time to time, particularly when it comes to things we borrow, especially money, can be quiet a blessing, except for those people silly enough still to lend us things. A little research on this point readily proves it to be true.

Here I am not talking about extravagant sums of money, which would not be forgotten by the borrower, mainly because the lender won't allow him to forget!

No, I am talking about more modest sums, a dollar say or Rp 5,000, or maybe even just a couple of hundred rupiah from that time you ran out of change? Or maybe it's not money at all, say a book or a CD or the proverbial cup of sugar.

These little things have a tendency to slip your mind as soon as you have borrowed them. I happened to read a story written by a man who loaned his friend $1, never got repaid and all these years later still couldn't forget about it. How true! A buck isn't going to leave a huge hole in your wallet, but it still rankles.

My uncle, being a book lover, can be heard from time to time saying, "I hate those who forget to return my books." Once he had to buy back his own book from a used bookstore. How the book got there is anybody's guess.

I remember when a friend returned a CD of mine after six or seven months, and it was damaged to boot. As I recall, I was seeing red at the time. Which reminds me, I have to return my friend's CDs!

What brings about a case of this temporary amnesia to which we are so partial? I have found that if you are generally indifferent about a person and their belongings, you are likely to forget that you have something of theirs.

But don't be mistaken in seeing this as a sign of selfishness. Invariably, the other person also is none too particular about not returning your belongings.

The real point is what happens if the other person is a frequent borrower and an infrequent returner? This is where the situation becomes dicey. This puts us in the awkward position of having to come up with an excuse to parry this person's advances every time he wants to borrow something. I have found, when tapped for money, the following to be an excellent way to fend off the advance: "What a coincidence! I needed a similar amount and was hoping you would be in a position to lend it to me."

You also have the "the well-intentioned people" who come to you for small change. More often than not you don't have any change, so instead you offer to give the person the full amount, which they dutifully promise to repay tomorrow. And you wait and wait before remembering the saying "tomorrow never comes".

There is a way around this situation. You can ask a friend, more loudly than necessary, "I owe you some money, right? How much was that?", hoping to trigger the memory of your erring acquaintance. Or you can be a bit more direct and try, "Would you please return that tenner you borrowed the other week." A word of warning, however, no one likes the direct approach.

There is a time in your life, particularly if you are touched enough, when you have to choose between a good night's sleep and maintaining a superficial relationship. I believe that a good friendship is one where we never cross that thin line between close camaraderie and privacy, and not returning the things you borrow is one way to cross that line.

My parents, who are retired, have a kind of circulating library. My mother complains that people have the very bad habit of not returning the books they borrow after they have finished reading them.

"They're like kids and I have to go and collect the books from them. And the galling thing is that they're my books," she is sometimes known to grumble.

This malfunctioning of the cerebrum does not only occur when it comes to material things; it also affects the words we speak. We rarely, if ever, remember all those times when we allowed harsh words to escape our lips.

But the person on the receiving end no doubt recalls the words, people tending to have the memory of an elephant when it comes to such things! Of course, don't expect that person to have even the slightest recollection of all the harsh words he has ever spoken, memory having the funny habit of not working both ways. How true the adage, "Words once uttered can never be recaptured."

I remember as if was yesterday the unsolicited advice given to me by a new acquaintance when I landed in Indonesia four years back. "You have made a blunder. Education is hopeless here. I would take my children home next year."

Being new to the country, I spent many a sleepless night wondering if I was playing with my children's future. Four years hence and she is very much here and I am still very much here. I am sure this person has completely forgotten the incident, but I for one still remember the mental agony I went through that first month, during the teething process, as it were, that everyone goes through in a new place.

We all have the perfect solution when it comes to other people's problems. Everything from the perfect diet and how to raise their children, to how they should treat their maids and what pets they should buy. Maybe there is a streak of sadism in all of us, and we simply enjoy the damage we do with our misplaced advice.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but when someone hurts your feelings at a party or a private gathering, the offender soon forgets the incident but you never forget it. My grandmother used to warn me: "Be very careful of what you say." She has long since passed away and I am still to learn this piece of wisdom!

Surprisingly, the words we speak without thought are bound to come back and haunt us. You only have to say, "I'd never be caught dead in this situation," and bingo you're in the middle of it.

The help others have given you in your times of need also has a short-term memory. The help you have done others seems to have long-term implications! Of course, none of us are perfect and it takes all kinds of imperfections to make this perfect world attractive to live in! --By Chandrika Radhakrishnan