JP/ /EVI

JP/ /EVI

Blending cultures begets child of tomorrow

Evi Mariani
The Jakarta Post/Jakarta

Diversity is a challenge faced by everyone. But for this young
couple and their 18-month-old offspring, diversity is a way of
life as they navigate the trepidations of accommodating three
different cultural backgrounds and three faiths.

Minutes after Nayanda was taken from her mother's womb and put
in a crib, her uncle whispered "Allahu akbar, ashaduanna
Muhammadarrasullullah" into the right ear of the happy father,
who in turn spoke the words into the baby girl's right ear.

Behind the uncle and the father, a group of eager relatives
waited for their first peek of the baby.

There was Nayanda's Balinese grandmother and Chinese-
Indonesian grandmother, her Muslim, Hindu and Catholic relatives,
who had been waiting for her to be delivered for hours that night
at a hospital in South Jakarta.

Nayanda Amarasriwasiti, who was given the Chinese name Zhu Hui
Li, was born into a colorful family 18 months ago.

Though still a toddler, Naya has been exposed to a wider range
of cultural and religious traditions than most adults.

When she was six months old, Balinese prays were recited by
Hindu priests to ensure she would have a bright future.

Six months later, on Chinese New Year earlier this year, she
donned a cute red cheongsam to receive hugs, kisses and the
traditional ang pau (money in red envelope for health and
fortune) from her grandparents in Bandung.

Occasionally, with her parents, she takes part in a religious
gathering with her mother's Minangkabau (West Sumatra) Muslim
side of the family.

Every day she is taught basic courtesy on being a good Muslim.
With persistent patience her mother teaches her, little by
little, to say alhamdullilah (praise be to God) and
assalamualaikum (may God be with you) as well as how to conducts
prays (shalat).

Her mother, Fifi Luckita, 31, is the third child of a mixed
marriage of a Minang father, who died when she was only six, and
Balinese mother, who died this year. Meanwhile, Naya's father,
Rudy "Dodo" Sofian, 34, is the first child of a Catholic Chinese-
Indonesian family.

The couple met in 1999, when the company where Fifi worked
built an office building in Central Jakarta. Dodo was the
interior designer for the office.

It took them only months to decide to marry.

"I was a Muslim and he was a Catholic. I myself did not see it
as a problem because I was born into a colorful family. My mother
was a Hindu who converted to Islam when she married my father,"
Fifi said.

However, Fifi's extended family from her father's side hails
from Minangkabau and is known for their strictness in religion.
So she told Dodo it could be a problem that he was Catholic.

The Minang family, it was said, had once rejected a marriage
proposal because of religious differences.

"But he (Dodo) told me he would convert to Islam," Fifi said.

Dodo has never been staunchly religious -- a man with the kind
of spiritual confidence who regards all religions as having
equally beneficial objectives. Therefore, converting to Islam was
no big deal for him.

Nevertheless, he was gripped with anxiousness when it came
time to inform his parents in Bandung, West Java, and reveal not
only his intention to marry a woman of a different ethnic
background, but also convert to her religion.

Would his father, a deacon at a local Catholic church, be
understanding?

At his parents' house Dodo sat in silence in the living-cum-
dining room, gathering the courage to break the news.

"Pa, what if I convert to Islam?"

His father remained silent, his face not betraying whatever
emotion may have flared inside.

As if trying to delay the inevitable, the father did not look
at Dodo and instead continued going about his business in the
same room until, at last he rose and disappeared into the
kitchen.

One can only imagine the quiet emotional flurry erupting
between the pots, pans and dishes.

For Dodo it was a painstaking endless wait. Eventually
eternity ended and Dodo's father emerged from the kitchen, his
manner foreboding, still not looking at Dodo.

What came from his mouth was wise in its simplicity: "You're
an adult. You decide what's best for you."

That was the only reply Dodo got.

"All at once it felt like a heavy burden had been lifted,"
Dodo remembered.

Once he had received his father's consent, Dodo knew he would
not encounter resistance from his mother. Later, without too much
difficulty, his parents agreed to go to Jakarta to as party of
the proposal party visiting Fifi parents.

Meet the family

In Indonesia, a wedding and the time leading up to it is often
a nightmare for couples. Weddings are not a simple case of the
bride and groom exchanging vows, but rather a social event
involving the whole extended family.

Weddings of the same culture-ethnic background are often a
headache, so one can imagine the trepidations of a ceremony
involving widely differing cultures.

Dodo and Fifi's wedding was the first for their respective
parents, thus experience was not something they could count upon.

Dodo's family -- which included aunts and uncles -- drove all
the way from Bandung to Jakarta for the proposal ceremony.

On the drive to Fifi's house, one of Dodo's aunts who rode in
the same vehicle repeatedly played Christian hymns on the car
stereo.

"She did not say anything, but I knew she disapproved of my
decision to leave behind Christianity," Dodo said.

Despite the silent disapproval of some, the whole family
displayed unity and was nevertheless as supportive as they could
be. Bringing fruit and Chinese fortune cakes, they could only
guess at how this cross-cultural proposal would be conducted.

However, no one really knew what to expect from the future in-
laws. Although some of the aunts had witnessed other proposal
ceremonies, they had not encountered a cross-cultural nuance to
one before.

At the same time, Fifi's Balinese family, having waited in her
house in South Jakarta, was also a bit confused about the process
of proposal ceremony.

The elderly family members had instructed one of the uncles
acting as host to let Dodo's family speak first, so it would give
the impression that Fifi's family were intent on the marriage.

What transpired has for Fifi and Dodo become an amusing
memory, albeit a little regretful.

"For half an hour they spoke in circles. Full of pleasantries
without really getting to the point," Fifi recollected.

"Meanwhile, my father, who was supposed to talk, was awkwardly
silent," Dodo added.

Finally, Dodo's eldest aunt took the initiative by saying that
they had come a long way from Bandung to ask for Fifi's hand in
marriage.

After the aunt finished her speech, Dodo's father at last
uttered his first words, a direct and brisk sentence: "So, do you
accept the proposal?"

"I felt like lurching to the floor upon hearing such a curt
sentence," Dodo remarked with a smile.

Later, Fifi was brought out and seated in the middle of the
room full of guests.

From her "hot seat", she could hear Dodo's aunts whispering
the Sundanese word for white, "bodas, bodas", referring to the
color of Fifi's skin. Although she is not Sundanese, Fifi
understands a bit of Sundanese.

Dodo's mother and the aunties are kind and amiable people.
However, most of them had limited experience in closely relating
to those of non-Chinese ethnicity. Hence their views are often
painted by typical racial profiling, views formed not due to
hostility, but because of ignorance and habit.

White-skin obsessed -- just like many people in this country
-- they were reluctant to have a relative with darker skin, which
they considered less beautiful than their own Chinese fair skin.

It was somewhat a relief to Fifi that she had gained initial
approval from Dodo's mother and aunts, even if it was because of
her fair skin. It also helped that several relatives remarked on
the distinctive shape of her nose, which Chinese called 'hoki'
(bringing fortune). The fact that she owned a house only
solidified perceptions that she came from a well-off family.

With the proposal out of the way, next came all the challenges
of preparing the wedding, which was set for three months later.

Because Dodo and Fifi had long been financially independent
from their parents, they had the luxury of being able to plan the
February 2000 wedding themselves without too much interference
from the families.

Being an admirer of Balinese culture, Dodo agreed for it to be
carried out in line with Balinese custom, and to dress up in
Balinese costume.

But nothing would be simple in this marriage.

To respect the Minangkabau side of Fifi's family, they also
agreed to dress in traditional West Sumatra wedding costumes in
the morning during the actual marriage ceremony in front of a
penghulu (religious leader).

But Dodo's family eventually also insisted that some cultural
Chinese rituals be included.

"Days before the wedding, my mother insisted on having a
Chinese ritual. After examining the schedule we agreed to hold
the te pai ritual in the afternoon," Dodo said.

Te pai is a ritual where the bride and groom serve Chinese tea
to elderly relatives, who give ang pau to bless the couple.

Dressed in Balinese wedding attire, Fifi and Dodo stood,
served tea and bowed to the seated elderly relatives.

"We actually wanted to wear a Chinese wedding costume for te
pai. But my Balinese costume was so complicated and heavy on the
head. It would have been really difficult for me to change three
times," Fifi said.

Despite all the differences, and some glitches, everybody left
happy that night.

The Minangkabau family even gave Dodo the honorary title of
Sutan Pandeka Mudo (Young Knight).

"I don't know why they chose that title. Perhaps it was
because I dauntlessly overcame all the obstacles in marrying
Fifi," a grinning Dodo remarked.

"The marriage was the first mixed marriage among my generation
in the family. I think it somehow set a good precedent in my
extended family because two other mixed marriages followed," Fifi
added.

Through it all the cross-cultural experience somehow helped
shed ethnic prejudices among the Chinese-Indonesian family. They
learned to see that good and bad exist irrespective of ethnicity.

Building a family

Uncles, aunts and cousins may have had a lot to say in the
run-up to the wedding, but when all the ceremonies were over Dodo
and Fifi were left with just each other to face the daily
tribulations of making a "mixed marriage" work.

Despite coming from different cultural and religious
backgrounds, the two have much in common. They both grew up in a
middle-income family living in a multicultural urban environment.
Moreover, both are educated professionals.

The first year of their marriage was filled with common
problems faced by any other newlyweds getting over the honeymoon
hangover.

"I went through the first years of the marriage not expecting
anything too ambitious," Fifi said, referring to their financial
state at the beginning.

For the first two years the couple lived in a room in a
boardinghouse in West Jakarta.

Fifi had a secure job with a steady income, while Dodo was
starting his own interior design consultancy firm.

Armed with a facsimile machine, drawing tools and a pile of
name cards and contacts, Dodo and Fifi decided to pool their
resources to build up the consultancy.

Their company has grown from originally employing just three
people to more than 15.

Four years after the wedding, they had Naya, who has become
the central preoccupation of the couple.

With material needs taken care of, the couple inevitably faced
the awkward decision on the issue of their child's faith.

"I never force Dodo to pray. If he does, I want it to be truly
from his heart," Fifi said.

Dodo admits that he really only prays during major religious
events -- Idul Fitri, Idul Adha etc. During Ramadhan he fasts.
But he does no more than that, such as learn to read the Koran.

He quietly keeps issues of religion to himself, rising up as a
Muslim primarily during social occasions.

Fifi, because of her colorful background, is also not the most
devout of religious practitioners. However, she admits to being
eager to learn more about her religion.

"I have a lot of questions about Islam. I was taught about sin
and punishment, and told about how non-Muslims wouldn't gain a
place in heaven," Fifi said.

"I could never understand that because I grew up among Hindu
relatives. They are all kind and good people. I could not
understand why they would not go to heaven," she added.

Fifi began Koran lessons with neighbors, who invited an ustadz
(religious teacher) to instruct them.

"Each time Dodo would ask what I'd learned from the ustadz,
and we would discuss it at length," she said.

Eventually they decided some of the teachings were bizarre, so
Dodo suggested she find another teacher.

Later, Fifi read a newspaper article written by an Islamic
teacher from Nurcholis Majid's Paramadina Foundation.

"The title was Inclusive Islam. I liked the article so I
dialed 108 to find Paramadina's number," she said.

She got information that Paramadina offered Islamic classes on
various topics like fiqih (Islamic jurisprudence), and religion
and violence.

When she told her husband, Dodo also showed interested and
they eventually ended up taking classes together.

"Some of the teachings are controversial for conservative
Muslims," Dodo said. "The teachers said that all religions have
the same objective. I know that some Muslims find that mind-
boggling."

"Some of my neighbors reprimanded me for taking the course at
Paramadina. They said they were wrongful teachings," Fifi said.

By then the couple had already decided to raise their daughter
as a Muslim.

"I'm not worried even if her father does not know how to
recite the Koran. She can learn these things from Islamic
teachers. And besides, compared to myself, Dodo has more
extensive knowledge about the history of Islam," Fifi said.

"What is important to me is for Naya to grow up to be a
tolerant Muslim," she said. "I don't know what my reaction would
be if she married a hard-liner when she grows up, a man with a
beard and all. I don't think I'd mind as long as he respected
Naya's colorful family," Fifi surmised.

No one knows for certain what kind of challenges Naya will
face when she grows up and starts to question her identity.

Given her parents' background, it would not be surprising if
she becomes yet another Indonesian respectful of this great
country's pluralism: respect for other's differences without
necessarily changing their identities and beliefs.

Four decades from now, when Indonesia commemorates its first
centenary, Naya will have grown up and made something of herself,
hopefully one of her generation's vanguards in building a true
multicultural nation.