It's up to parents to explain facts of life

By Donya Betancourt

SANUR, BALI (JP): Call it the birds and the bees or some other euphemism, but children start learning the facts of life at a young age, whether you like it or not.

Children begin their sex education as soon as they can sense how their mothers and fathers get along with each other and how Mom and Dad feel about their sons and daughters, and what their respective place in the world is as children.

For example, if a father abuses the mother, a child will learn through this experience that men are dominant over women and the child will not be able to be taught through a lecture at school that marriage is a relationship of mutual love and respect, because his experience tells him differently.

So the question is, when does sex education actually start?

Between the ages of three and five, when a child's love is going out to the parents, it is good for children to hear and see that their parents not only want to hug and kiss each other but that they love, care and yearn to be kind, helpful and respectful to each other. At this age, children ask questions about sex because their curiosity reaches out in all directions. They want to know why boys are physically different from girls and they begin to get ideas about things that are connected with sex -- like where babies come from and what the father's role is in making babies.

The children do not think of their sexual curiosity as sex questions, so it is important for the parents to speak emotionally about their devotion to each other, how they want to do things together like having children and taking care of them together, and how this goes along with physical affection.

Parents should not let anatomical and physiological explanations of sex stand alone, but always connect them with the idealistic and spiritual aspects of love. Remember it is just a question, but children can get the wrong impression which later can cause confusion regarding sex.

By saying this, I do not mean that you have to tell your children everything at once since they will continually come to you with questions. You can answer the questions as simply as they are asked -- it is easier and better to begin with the truth rather than telling them fairy tales and then having to change your answers later.

You may be wondering what exactly I am talking about and how you can do what I have advised. You will be faced with questions such as, "Where do babies come from?", "How does the baby get inside the mother?" and "How does the baby get out?"

A simple answer is that the baby grows from a tiny seed in a special place inside the mother, called the uterus. "The seed was inside the mother all the time." "The babies come out through a special opening called the vagina when babies are big enough," and make it clear that it is a different opening than the one used for bowel movements and to urinate.

Again, it is more important to give them the feeling that it is all right to ask anything. The questions about the father's role in sex will come when children are older, or may come earlier if they observe animals or have friends with baby brothers or sisters.

What if a child does not ask any questions about sex by the age of 7? In these cases, it is likely the child has gotten the impression that these matter are embarrassing. At puberty, our children will be forced to deal with their changing bodies. Young girls will begin developing breasts and experiencing ovulation, and young boys will experience the rage of hormones and the accompanying involuntary erections and wet dreams.

It is at this time that we as parents also face the facts of life. It is true that Asian society is different from the West, and it seems to be embarrassed to talk about sex and relationships. But I think, in this era of high-speed communications, no information can be hidden from our children. All types of information are readily available via the Internet, books and television programs. So let us, as parents, be the ones who tell our children the truth and let our children know they can trust us and ask us about anything they want to know.

The writer is a pediatrician based in Sanur, Bali. If you have any questions, please feel free to write her at drdonya@hotmail.com, or you can reach her at features@thejakartapost.com.