'It's hard to mix with other people'
He has not done it single-handedly, but Dr. Naek L. Tobing has been on the frontline in taking the topic of sex from the dark confines of the bedroom and putting it out in the open for public discussion. A longtime newspaper columnist and radio presenter, the 61-year old is becoming familiar to a new generation of the sexually curious with his weekly appearances on a sexual advice show on private television station RCTI. The father of six and grandfather of five tells The Jakarta Post's Bruce Emond about his private side, and that sex really does make the world go round.
Question: If you had the choice, what would you be doing now?
Answer: My only choice right now would be research, writing books and doing whatever else I have to do. That's my goal in life. Other than that, I just want to enjoy life.
Q: What makes you tick?
A: Many things. I think life, in my philosophy, is something we can enjoy, but we can also achieve something in it. Like, for me today, right now is how to make people happy ...
Q: Which trait do you most like about yourself?
A: I can't say for certain, but I work all the time. Every day, I look back on what I've done, and if I haven't done enough, I feel sorry. So I always think of how to do the maximum.
Q: It sounds like you are a workaholic?
A: Maybe half a workaholic. Like this week, I've had so much to do, so many activities, that my own libido has decreased. So I've realized I have to rest for my health. I often have checkups to make sure I'm OK.
Q: And what do you dislike about yourself?
A: I'm a loner, it's hard for me to mix with others. But then sometimes it's a good thing. I spend a lot of time at home, so I can read a lot. But if you are too isolated from society, you can feel estranged emotionally. The thing is to find the balance between your work and social lives.
Q: Whom do you admire?
A: Many people, but when I was small I read the biography of Abraham Lincoln, about how he came from a poor woodcutter family, then became a lawyer and senator and who had such great bravery in trying to free the blacks. It was such a great example of someone who thought of others before himself.
Q: What kind of clothes do you like to wear?
A: I just like to live simply. Everything simple, including clothes. I don't like to stand out ...
Q: What was the last book you read?
A: I bought a few books in May in Singapore and the U.S., including The Hot Monogamy and The New Hite Report.
Q: What makes you angry?
A: I am quite an emotional person, but I can control it. I'm easily angered if I'm in a poor condition, like hungry or tired. Sometimes, patients make me angry, like someone who is manipulative or in denial or lazy.
Q: What characteristics do you dislike in others?
A: Those three things I mentioned above.
Q: Are we alone in the universe?
A: I only see reality, I don't think about that which is not logical. Everything should be logical ... When I was small, we used to play jelangkung (calling the spirits) but now I live in a rational world ...
Q: What makes you laugh?
A: Anything that's funny. Sometimes, before, what my patients said. I used to tell my wife about it, but it doesn't happen so much today, it's more like things are odd. So I wonder if it's me, or if the patients I'm getting are not as funny as before.
Q: And cry?
A: I don't really cry, but I am often touched and shed a few tears. Like if I watch a touching movie.
Q: What makes life worth living?
A: That's a good question. I think I try every day to make people happy, and be a positive presence in the lives of other people. And there is more things I would like to do in Indonesia, and for my ethnic group, the Batak, who in the last few years have shown great progress, but still not optimal. I would like to try to raise a child from birth to 10 years, so we achieve optimal development. I would like to try it with Batak people, and then maybe it can be used for others. I've tried it with my own children and grandchildren, and it works well. I am having some others put the book together and I'm editing it.
Q: Do you have a favorite song?
A: When I was small, in the 1950s, my family bought a gramophone. I really used to enjoy it. The women singers of the 1950s, I can't remember their names, and singers like Bing Crosby. Lots of songs about love and I like them to this day. You know, I once sang the song I Celebrate My Love for You with my wife on Pesta on Indosiar. When I was in junior high school, I was asked by my teacher to sing a song and I chose a love song, and the teacher told me never to sing again. It was quite traumatic, but other friends said my singing wasn't that bad. Someone once said to me that if that hadn't happened, I might have been another Victor Hutabarat (a famous Batak singer).
Q: And movie?
A: I've always liked movies, like those of Kirk Douglas and Steve McQueen. I often used to play hooky from school to go to the movies. But the modern film I really like is Titanic by James Cameron. It took a genius to make that. I watched it twice.
Q: What is your favorite food?
A: Not a specific one, but I love Batak food, especially fish. And also Japanese food. I don't have a strong stomach, so I need mild foods.
Q: What characteristics do you love in women?
A: It has changed. I used to like women who were beautiful, especially fair-skinned. But now I see dark-skinned women can be beautiful, too. I used to think that an independent woman was most attractive, but now I think a housewife who is clever is also someone to be respected.
Q: How would you like to be remembered?
A: I think as someone who did something good for others, who was useful to others. That's why, toward the end of my life, I want to write and conduct research, which will be of value to others.
Q: Do you think it's true that sex, not money, makes the world go round?
A: Yes. Sex is libido, and it is the activity that motivates us in everything, whether we are going to war or to work. If we don't have that in our lives anymore, then life becomes, like empty. Sex is the greatest enjoyment in life, there is nothing so deep. Food, money -- it's all superficial compared to sex.
Q: If the world were going to end in 24 hours, what would you do?
A: Get ready! And give my final messages to my family. Hopefully, some of them would survive.