Is the tango really dirty dancing?

Let's hope that the people at AC Nielsen have their little boxes in working order tonight because a momentous piece of television history is set to be made on venerable old TVRI.

Forget about the Princess Di profile on METROTV or the Meryl Streep movie on RCTI: From Sabang to Merauke, it's a sure bet that millions of us, myself included, will be tuning into Dansa Yo Dansa (Come Dancing) with rapt attention for a sure ratings winner.

Obviously the creative minds behind the new, commercial- packed, we-just-want-to-be-funky TVRI have got their wish -- and then some.

You see, Dansa Yo Dansa, which to all appearances is a sentimental showcase for aging couples to twirl around the dance floor, with satin-voiced crooner and host Kris Biantoro keeping them in order, has been declared pornography.

I regret that I must have somehow missed the good parts during fits of channel surfing. For, to paraphrase that American judge in the 1960s, I know pornography when I see it, but this homage to the rhumba and the tango does not fit my definition.

Camp? Perhaps. A bit out of tune with today's urban hip youth? Most definitely. A chance for people getting up there in years to have a lot of fun and relive their youth? Yes.

But porn? Now, even with the couples dancing cheek-to-cheek and those snazzy outfits which may indeed be a bit of an eye- opener for some people in the provinces, that's a stretch by any definition.

When State Minister of Communications and Information Syamsul Mu'arif announced on Wednesday that the government would come down hard on the broadcast or publication of sexually suggestive images, Dansa Yo Dansa was one of the shows mentioned as offensive to some groups.

We can only imagine what the action will entail. For instance, during tonight's broadcast, will specially trained police, who have been given a crash course on the intricacies of ballroom etiquette, cut in on the dance floor when things start getting a little too close for comfort?

Will 60-something Cici and octogenarian Otto be carted off in a police van for overstepping the line when it comes to the cha- cha? Will dancers judged overly ardent be sent in disgrace to a cold shower and told to tango on home?

At the end of the show, when all the dancers join to do the poco-poco, will any high-kickers be put in their place?

What we really want to know, though, is what is it that some people are getting to see that the rest of us don't. As one colleague mused, perhaps the would-be censors tuned in when one of the old guys was having some bladder control problems and they got the wrong idea about what was going on.

"Why are they getting all upset up that show when dangdut singers are much more suggestive in their movements," another exasperated colleague asked.

"This is just a bunch of old people enjoying themselves."

Could it be that we tend to view dangdut, however suggestive the lyrics and provocative the singer's gyrations, as Indonesian music, even though it is actually a musical hybrid from India and the Middle East. Perhaps it's a case of no salsa, please, we're Indonesian.

It's not to dispute that there is a lot of titillating drivel right now on the airwaves. The country's "education" channel, TPI, started things a couple of years back, in the heady, no- holds-barred days of reform, with Midnight Affair, a live broadcast set in a trendy apartment, with a clairvoyant and a model fielding calls from a lot of heavy breathers.

Thankfully, that affair is over, but only to be replaced by Majalah X, which is laughable in its deliberate and desperate attempts to be sensational, and Hello Wanita, which is also trying its darndest to be cutting edge in its exploration of sexual themes -- and failing unadmirably.

The latter has actress-cum-TV host Dian Nitami sitting on a bed in a ballgown, discussing a host of topics important to women, including, of course, sex.

On this Friday's show it was oral sex. After Dian, a sex therapist and viewers had chewed over what that really meant, our gentle host proceeded to worry about possible "injuries" that can occur.

It's programs like these last three that give TV a bad name, but I still wouldn't ban them. As long as they are not showing people in the act (head down to the Glodok VCD sellers if that's your bag), then they can keep filling the airwaves with their inanity and bad taste, for all I care.

For, at the end of the day, it's the viewers who determine whether they get quality TV or are satisfied with a staple of mediocrity.

So, tonight, I will be in front of the TV at 7:30 p.m., trying to figure out what the song and dance is all about with Kris and his partners in crime. And, if I don't like it, for whatever reason, I'll do what I did to Dian: turn it off.

-- Kurt Vickers