Is having a sissy for a son cause for concern?
By Donya Betancourt
SANUR, Bali (JP): The increased public prominence of gays and lesbians in the last 20 years has made sexual identity in children a more pressing issue for some parents.
They may be concerned about why their son likes playing with girl's dolls or dressing up in his mother's clothes, or how their daughter came to be a tomboy. What is the cause? Why does it happen to their child? Can we prevent it?
Normal psychosexual development consists of three parts.
1. Organ identification: When children are two years to three years old, parents, relatives or friends help them identify their sexual organs and learn the difference between a boy and a girl.
2. Gender roles: Between about three years and six years old, children learn gender roles. Boys behave like their fathers, girls behave like their mothers. Aunts, uncles or perhaps a close friend of the family may play a role in encouraging the child to be friendly and to act like men if they are boys and for girls to gain confidence in being a girl.
During this period, children mature in their sexual identity by means of intense adoration of their parents. The boy learns to be like his idealized father and spends all day practicing his dad's activities and manners. At the same time he develops a strong romantic interest in his mother and idealizes her as his choice of wife when he grows up. Girls learn to behave like their mother and form a possessive romantic relationship with their father.
Between seven years and 12 years old, children learn more about their sexual role in the community. They become more emotionally independent of their parents and are exposed to the world outside their family home. They repress much of their interest in romance and sex and they develop their own segregated groups of boys and girls.
3. Sexual orientation: Hormonal pressures of adolescence insist on some form of expression. The boy's romantic adoration of his mother, which has been suppressed for years, turns to love for a girl. The girl's adoration of her father can now be seen with her loving a boy. Children continue to be influenced by their adult role model. If their parents respect themselves, their mates and their children, then their children will continue to be inspired by this pattern, even after they become independent in later life.
When parents think that their little girl is masculine and their little boy is too feminine, they will often place blame on each other for the way they raised the child. A construction set or a toy car is not what gives a boy a strong sense of male identity. The boys' positive relationship with his father in early childhood is paramount in the development of his male identity.
The love he feels toward his mother is also a key element in his sexual orientation. A father who wants to help his son grow up to be a masculine male can start by sharing his time and playing with his son. When your son is around, give the boy a feeling of acceptance, share a secret, be his friend and take him on father and son excursions.
The father also has a role with his daughter. She can only pattern herself after her father to a limited degree, but she gains confidence in herself as a girl and a woman from the feeling of his approval. The mother's companionship, nurturing and providing love and emotional support to teach boys and girls the ways of the world.
The children need opportunities for special activities such as bicycling, hiking or going to the movies with their mother that will continue the process of identifying gender roles. Single parents' requirements are no different from couples because what children need most of all is nurturing, consistency and love and that can involve finding a role model outside the immediate family home such as a special uncle or aunt to mimic.
There are some cases where the child is born with ambiguous genitalia, such as Kleinfelter's syndrome, and a pediatrician is required to carry out an investigation of the X and Y chromosomes. This will typically be done before the child is two years old and the physical sex identification can be augmented. Then the parents can stimulate the sexual behavior of the male or female.
There are cases where a boy is unhappy about being a boy, he wants to play with dolls, prefers to play with girls and says he wants to be a girl, or there are girls who may only want to play with boys. Consult a medical professional to determine the anxiety, unhappiness and misunderstandings in the child's home life. If the child is less than nine years old, it is possible to reformat the child's thinking with professional consultation.
After nine years old it is very difficult to have discernible results; one cross-cultural study found that 80 percent of boys who were effeminate were later gay. Still, many experts believe both biological and/or social factors play important roles in determining sexual orientation.
But as long as the child is comfortable and accepts who he/she is, it is best to let the child grow up with whatever identity, attitudes and interests that have developed within them. As parents, one must put our children's happiness first as it is best to accept them for who they are rather than making them feel ashamed, anxious and depressed because of parental disapproval.
The fact is a person's basic or primary sexual orientation is set during the earliest years of development by chromosomal normality and abnormalities, hormonal balance and imbalances, positive parenting and defects in normal human bonding and child- rearing. Some things you can change and some things you cannot change. What we can all do is accept and appreciate our children for the unique individuals they are. My recommendation is to enjoy being a parent. Go and have an ice cream with your child today.
Donya Betancourt is a pediatrician based in Sanur, Bali. Questions? Contact her at drdonya@hotmail.com or features@thejakartapost.com.