Is having a sissy for a son cause for concern?

Is having a sissy for a son cause for concern?

By Donya Betancourt

SANUR, Bali (JP): The increased public prominence of gays and
lesbians in the last 20 years has made sexual identity in
children a more pressing issue for some parents.

They may be concerned about why their son likes playing with
girl's dolls or dressing up in his mother's clothes, or how their
daughter came to be a tomboy. What is the cause? Why does it
happen to their child? Can we prevent it?

Normal psychosexual development consists of three parts.

1. Organ identification: When children are two years to three
years old, parents, relatives or friends help them identify their
sexual organs and learn the difference between a boy and a girl.

2. Gender roles: Between about three years and six years old,
children learn gender roles. Boys behave like their fathers,
girls behave like their mothers. Aunts, uncles or perhaps a close
friend of the family may play a role in encouraging the child to
be friendly and to act like men if they are boys and for girls to
gain confidence in being a girl.

During this period, children mature in their sexual identity
by means of intense adoration of their parents. The boy learns to
be like his idealized father and spends all day practicing his
dad's activities and manners. At the same time he develops a
strong romantic interest in his mother and idealizes her as his
choice of wife when he grows up. Girls learn to behave like their
mother and form a possessive romantic relationship with their
father.

Between seven years and 12 years old, children learn more
about their sexual role in the community. They become more
emotionally independent of their parents and are exposed to the
world outside their family home. They repress much of their
interest in romance and sex and they develop their own segregated
groups of boys and girls.

3. Sexual orientation: Hormonal pressures of adolescence
insist on some form of expression. The boy's romantic adoration
of his mother, which has been suppressed for years, turns to love
for a girl. The girl's adoration of her father can now be seen
with her loving a boy. Children continue to be influenced by
their adult role model. If their parents respect themselves,
their mates and their children, then their children will continue
to be inspired by this pattern, even after they become
independent in later life.

When parents think that their little girl is masculine and
their little boy is too feminine, they will often place blame on
each other for the way they raised the child. A construction set
or a toy car is not what gives a boy a strong sense of male
identity. The boys' positive relationship with his father in
early childhood is paramount in the development of his male
identity.

The love he feels toward his mother is also a key element in
his sexual orientation. A father who wants to help his son grow
up to be a masculine male can start by sharing his time and
playing with his son. When your son is around, give the boy a
feeling of acceptance, share a secret, be his friend and take him
on father and son excursions.

The father also has a role with his daughter. She can only
pattern herself after her father to a limited degree, but she
gains confidence in herself as a girl and a woman from the
feeling of his approval. The mother's companionship, nurturing
and providing love and emotional support to teach boys and girls
the ways of the world.

The children need opportunities for special activities such as
bicycling, hiking or going to the movies with their mother that
will continue the process of identifying gender roles. Single
parents' requirements are no different from couples because what
children need most of all is nurturing, consistency and love and
that can involve finding a role model outside the immediate
family home such as a special uncle or aunt to mimic.

There are some cases where the child is born with ambiguous
genitalia, such as Kleinfelter's syndrome, and a pediatrician is
required to carry out an investigation of the X and Y
chromosomes. This will typically be done before the child is two
years old and the physical sex identification can be augmented.
Then the parents can stimulate the sexual behavior of the male or
female.

There are cases where a boy is unhappy about being a boy, he
wants to play with dolls, prefers to play with girls and says he
wants to be a girl, or there are girls who may only want to play
with boys. Consult a medical professional to determine the
anxiety, unhappiness and misunderstandings in the child's home
life. If the child is less than nine years old, it is possible to
reformat the child's thinking with professional consultation.

After nine years old it is very difficult to have discernible
results; one cross-cultural study found that 80 percent of boys
who were effeminate were later gay. Still, many experts believe
both biological and/or social factors play important roles in
determining sexual orientation.

But as long as the child is comfortable and accepts who he/she
is, it is best to let the child grow up with whatever identity,
attitudes and interests that have developed within them. As
parents, one must put our children's happiness first as it is
best to accept them for who they are rather than making them feel
ashamed, anxious and depressed because of parental disapproval.

The fact is a person's basic or primary sexual orientation is
set during the earliest years of development by chromosomal
normality and abnormalities, hormonal balance and imbalances,
positive parenting and defects in normal human bonding and child-
rearing. Some things you can change and some things you cannot
change. What we can all do is accept and appreciate our children
for the unique individuals they are. My recommendation is to
enjoy being a parent. Go and have an ice cream with your child
today.

Donya Betancourt is a pediatrician based in Sanur, Bali.
Questions? Contact her at drdonya@hotmail.com or
features@thejakartapost.com.