Is good negotiation getting the best deal for everybody?

Pri Notowidigdo, The Amrop Hever Group, Global Executive Search, (e-mail: jakarta@amrophever.com)

How many times have you negotiated with somebody to find that you have agreed to something that you really didn't fully accept and later felt disappointed? Why not consider the following situation and see how you might respond:

You are married with three children and have a well-paid job that you enjoy. Your wife has been bringing up the children and managing the home. She proposes to return to her professional career now that the children are in school. What would be your response? Would you agree to her proposal, providing that she pays for another pembantu (a domestic helper) from her salary? Or, would you agree to her working part-time because you think her timing is bad? A third consideration: Would you suggest a family discussion about what changes this would mean and how to solve any problems that might arise? Or finally, would you agree to her proposal, providing that she can guarantee very little disturbance of family routine leaving it up to her how she would achieve this?

If you are understanding and sensitive to a win-win solution, you would have likely chosen the third alternative. Did you? Why? Underlying this choice is your respect for the other person's dignity and fairness, two elements of a win-win negotiation.

In practical terms, if the person you are dealing with feels that you are not treating them fairly, they could become angry and act irrationally, thereby getting them and you nowhere. Moreover, if you expect to do more business with that person in the future, trust is essential.

In order to effectively apply dignity and fairness to successful negotiations, you may want to think about the necessary skills that you now have and use. Building rapport and trust is the building block for beginning a negotiation.

Underlying this is listening and discussing. Getting all the facts is very important. Find out about what the other person wants and you may end up helping the other person feel satisfied. You could be satisfied simply through the process of dealing with a person who is different to yourself. Accept and enjoy the experience of a different personality. Your willingness to accept changes will be the beginning of another opportunity for you to grow personally.

All this, of course, begins with knowing what matters most for you - knowing yourself and what you stand for. If these skills are not yet part of your repertoire, then developing them may offer you a learning challenge. Practice these skills using them in small everyday situations before you apply them in more important issues in your life.

Finally, you will want to reflect on which of the following definitions of negotiation is nearest to your definition of negotiation: Does negotiation to you mean a discussion resulting in equal give and take? Or, is negotiation a discussion to find a reasonable compromise? Then again, is it perhaps a discussion during which one person persuades the other to accept a proposal? Or, as has been suggested at the beginning of this article, is it not a discussion to find an agreement that, as far as possible, satisfies the interests of both individuals?

If you can adopt the last definition of negotiation, then you are on your way to becoming a good negotiator. In the long run, you will also have effectively developed and managed meaningful relationships both professionally and personally and become more at peace with yourself.